Alatáriël Anwamanë

Tragedy

2009-08-21T18:51:00.001-07:00

So, I was out shopping with Grey Cloak today when I got an emergency
call from work. They said the needed me down south for an emergency room
visit. I gladly accepted and put shopping on hold. I get there and go in
to find that another person had been there before me. Great! My client
hadn't been without services. However...that service-provider was
nowhere to be found. I guess she had left while the client needed a
moment of privacy, but had been gone over 15 minutes. So, I arrive to
see my client in bed with a nurse trying to communicate WITHOUT a
service-provider. I was livid! How could a service-provider just LEAVE
and not be able to be found...ESPECIALLY in the ER?!?! Ooh, I was angry.
But, I was there and could take over. Whew!

So, my client. He is deaf and legally blind. The previous
service-provider didn't inform me of this...I learned it on my own. So,
naturally I adjusted my communication strategies, which was great!
Finally, he was able to communicate.

The more I'm sitting here, the more I'm upset with ER care. I understand
they're busy, but it feels like the other 2 patients are getting quite a
bit more attention than my client. The staff here have checked on the
other 2 several times and mine once in the 2 hours I've been here. Other
times, I've had to go flag someone down. My client has asked for
something to eat 4 times. FINALLY, the staff ordered him a meal. I have
no idea when it'll get here and the man is hungry!

So, that's my rant about ER services. Now, on to the condition of my
client. He came in because he inhaled some smoke from a fire. I suspect
(from my observations) that he has zero income and very little services
from the state. He lives alone. He should either be living in assisted
living or in his own home with in-home care. He does not get that
service. He needs help with his daily care. His fingernails are long and
have dirt accumulated underneath. He has long, unkempt hair and beard.
His eyes are all red and goopy. And right now, I don't think he
understands what's going on around him. I think he's on survival mode.
He's hungry and doesn't know what to do.

And, I don't know what else to do for him.

The Switch-a-roo!

2009-07-14T19:12:00.001-07:00

So, I'm cleaning out the computer room in order to make the bedroom switch. Wait, did I tell you about that? Ok, so I'm going to be a foster mom. I'm going to switch bedrooms so my kids can have more room and I can have more kids. So, I'm going to move into the computer room, Sulla is going to move into my current bedroom, and I'll have my kids in the biggest room. The reason for the move is because the state requires 50 square feet of living space per child in a bedroom. My current room is 96 square feet. That would be good for one child. I want to have more than that. I want to be licensed for up to 3 children. So, if I had kids, I could only have one kid in that room. It's 4 square feet too small! LOL! So, I talked with Sulla and he said he'd be willing to move into that room in order for the kids to have his room which is 100 square feet. I can have 2 kids in that room. I even have bunk beds! I plan to get 2 dressers, one for each child. Then, like I said, I'm moving into the computer room. That's the smallest room and it doesn't have a closet. I can have an infant in my room up until the age of 12 months. So, I can have up to 3 kids at once.

So, anyway, back to the bedroom switch. I've been cleaning out the computer room so I can move into it. Well, I didn't get it done in time. So, I've been sleeping on the hide-a-bed, a mattress on the floor, the floor, then a mattress on the floor again! Ok, let me explain. A friend of mine just moved out of transitional housing after coming out of rehab. He needed a bed. I had a bed. I knew I was going to move into the new room and have a smaller bed anyway, so I said he could take it. He did. My plan was to have the new room clean by that weekend so I could bring up the new bed and sleep there. Well...that didn't happen. I planned to do it the following weekend. Again, didn't happen! I had to work, family stuff, and just plain laziness! And, I kinda hit a wall. Not really a wall, but a blocking point. The stuff in the computer room has reached critical mass! There is SO much stuff in there and I have NO idea what to do with it...where to put it. It had become the catch-all room for everything we didn't know what to do with from the front part of the house. So, it had computer parts, laundry, nicnacks, garbage, etc., and I needed to find a home for it. It's still not finished, but it's well on its way. In fact, Greycloak and I are going to work on it tomorrow. We should be able to get it completely finished tomorrow, with my bed up, laundry done, dresser, bookshelf, night stand moved in, cleaned and vacuumed. So, by tomorrow night, I should be sleeping on a real bed! YAY!

Then, comes the "cleaning-out-the-old-room" part...and that's no fun!

Sigh...

Sixty-Nine Percent...Might Be Good Enough!

2009-06-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

So, I found out that I need 500 out of 800 on the written part of the RID NIC test. That's 62 percent. I got 69 percent on the practice test. I'd LOVE to get a higher percent, but if it only takes a 62 percent, I might take the test sooner rather than later.

Cool...

Sixty-Nine Percent...Not Good Enough! LOL!

2009-06-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

There is a test I have to pass in order to earn my certification for the Registery of Interpreters for the Deaf (RID). I got the practice written test today. I took that test today. I only got about 69%. Although I can't exactly get an exact number, I don't think a C- is good enough to get the certification. Sad...

But, at least I can figure out the areas from which I need to study. So far, it's more about terminology, vernacular, and history. I did pretty well on the educational part (duh) and the culture part. And, I have some books from which I can study and hopefully improve my knowledge.

Now, the performance test, I don't think I'm going to tackle right now. I've taken a look at the DVD and need more time to learn the format. The focus of the interview assessment is on the RID Code of Professional Conduct and its tenets. A scenario is presented and three questions are asked: 1) what is the conflict, 2) what will you do, and 3) why did you make that choice? I DEFINITELY need to study the tenets...which I can do with the books I have. The performance test consists of a mock interpreting situation in which you are voicing for a Deaf woman and signing for two hearing people. It is a real-life situation and the assessors want to see how you perform. I'll probably practice that in the next week or so.

On another note, it's going to cost me less money than I thought to take the test. Because I'm a member of RID, I get a discount. My discount brings the two-part test down to just under $500. Ya, it seems a bit high, but really, it's how the flakes are weeded out. Only those who are willing to make a $500 investment in their career are seen as the best in the business. That's me. I just have to figure out where to come up with an extra $500.

Any takers? LOL!

OK, I'm going to bed now. I have to work! LOL!

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

2009-03-18T00:06:00.001-07:00

Doubting Thomas got a bad rap. I started writing a song a few months
ago. It's still incomplete, but it talks about my unbelief. I've been
through the peaks and valleys where I've experienced God's provision.
Living situations...college...graduate school...Idaho (*shiver*)...and
even more recently with the situation in my last house
(**double-shiver**). But, there have always been times where I've
questioned God. I've never had that child-like faith where, in the
midst of life's chaos, I can SEE my Father's hand. Afterward I can see
it. Scripture says "Blessed are they that do not see yet still
believe." But you know what? Those people are in the minority. I want
to be one of those, but I don't know how. I need to see the nails. I
need to put my hand in His side.

Sigh...

So, I had to ask for help. I asked Tamuríl, my friend and Pastor's
Wife, for some wise counsel. Let me take a moment to tell you about
Tamuríl. Tamuríl and Elrohir are the Pastors of my church. I've been
going there for about a month. I started out going pretty regularly in
October of 07 for Bible study with my friend Nienna. I fell in love
with these women and they have been my friends since. Unfortunately, I
had to stop going in January of 08 because Bible study went until 9:00,
I didn't get home until 9:30, in bed by 10:00, asleep by 11:00 and I had
to be up by 5:00 to commute to Renton every day. This was before my
sleep apnoea diagnosis and treatment, so 6 hours of sleep a night wasn't
NEARLY enough. But, I started going again about a month ago. I came to
Sunday service and surprised everyone. And have gone since (except once
when I was sick). So, Tamuríl has become my friend and confidante. I
love her. I trust her. I know she has my best interest at heart.

Anyway, last Friday after Bible study, I asked her advice on a serious
situation. I laid everything out: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I
told her what I wanted to do and why. And I told her why I shouldn't do
that. Then, I asked for her counsel. She didn't tell me what to do.
She told me she would fast and pray for me. I was kinda disappointed
because I wanted her to jump behind me and support what I wanted to do.
But...in the long run, it was a good thing she didn't. I've been able
to pray, listen, pray some more, ask God for certain things to happen if
He wants me to do one thing and other things to happen if He wants me to
do another. It's been very enlightening into God's character and how He
uses people to show that to you. Throughout the day, Tamuríl sent me
scriptures. All these scriptures told me to "rest in Him" and "cast
your cares" and "don't worry". Well, I'm not a worrier. Ask anyone!
It's one of my faults! But I was worried about this situation. I
wanted to jump, but was worried about making the wrong
decision...disappointing my family...hurting us financially. But God
used Tamuríl to communicate His care for me and my worry because I
wasn't in a place to see it. He was able to give me a glimpse of His
character as my Abba. He calmed me down enough to think. He held me
tight enough to feel secure and comforted. He quieted me down enough so
I could begin to hear His voice through the calamity.

So, did I get my answer? Yes and no. No, I didn't get the answer I was
looking for. But, yes, I got the answer to a question I didn't know I
needed to ask.

God is THAT faithful.

And, let me clarify. I was asking God for a Yes or No answer. What he
gave me was the calmness and peace I needed to avoid a rash decision.

God is THAT in tune to what I need.

I'm just waiting for one last bit of confirmation before I make my
move. But I have such peace and serenity about it that I'm
just...speechless.

God is THAT good.

Life...Sucks...Ducks

2009-03-12T22:07:00.001-07:00

So, since my last post, I've discovered that I am just not quite cut out for this life. I am very overwhelmed. I just don't quite know what to do. Here's a few things that have been going on.

1) I fell at work. I work graveyard shifts. That means, I work by myself. About a month ago, the toilet at my client's apartment was overflowing. The maintenance man came by, removed the toilet, figured out what was wrong, and repositioned the toilet. Well...he didn't put it back on correctly. Naturally. How does this connect with me falling at work? Wait for it...ok, so the night after the toilet was fixed, I went in to use the bathroom and fell in a puddle of water. I fell on my butt, hit my head on the open door, and my right arm on the vanity. I had no idea where the water came from. So, even after falling and being in pain from the fall, I cleaned up the water. I had to. I don't work with anyone else. It's just me. I'm all by myself...get the picture? Well, after I was finished, I still had to go to the bathroom. I did, flushed, and water came spurting out of the base of the toilet. Nice. Again, I had to clean it up, on my hands and knees...all the while, I was in pain, fighting a headache, backache and sore arm. Called my boss, told her what happened. Called the doctor, he told me I couldn't go back to work the following night. So, I've been off work since February 21.

2) Last Sunday, I was coming home from running errands and I caused an accident. It wasn't very bad, but it put me back to where I was when I fell. So, I couldn't go back to work (not really that sad), but I'm back in pain again.

3) Grey Cloak is still ill. He hasn't worked for over a year. He's been sick since June. I'm not expecting him to go back to work. I don't even want him to go back to the field. It would be GREAT if he could get something at the Union Hall, teaching new apprentices all his tricks. THAT would be awesome! Dilibirith is not able to work. She's been unable to work for years. I don't expect her to go to work either. If she can, we're going to get her set up on eBay or CraigsList and sell some of her cards. She's VERY good and could probably make some good money.

Sulla...now that's another story. I'm so fed up with him...I could just SPIT! I'm not sure if I'm fed up with HIM or the situation. It's hard to tell. He's been out of work since last year, too. Part of it has been because he was fired and hasn't been able to get a new job. Part of it, he claims, is his medical issues. Ok, but I have medical issues. Here...let's look at them.

He has depression.
He has anxiety.
He has sleep apnea.
He's severely obese.
He has migraines.
He has regular headaches.

I have depression.
I don't have anxiety.
I have sleep apnea.
I'm severely obese.
I have migraines.
I have regular headaches.

But, I do I have arthritis in my back.
I also have Fibromyalgia.
I also have TMJ/TMD.
I also have a fallen arch in my right foot that makes it VERY difficult (not to mention, painful) to walk.

Now, he doesn't do anything around the house if he doesn't want to because he has "off days". But, I'm expected to work, cook, clean (ok, I don't do much cleaning), laundry, create the menus, go GET the food, bring it home, pack it, freeze it, put it away, organize the pantry, make the juice, take care of Dilibirith...getting the picture?

So, I do a LOT around here. And, he doesn't. Now, I completely understand not being ABLE to do much. But, it seems like he is ABLE to do what he WANTS to do. Case in point: yesterday, a friend called asking for Sulla to work on his truck so he can move to Oregon. Well, naturally, that's something that Sulla is interested in, so naturally, he said yes. In fact, when I asked Sulla last night, after being out all day long, if he would be willing and able to cook dinner, he let out a great big sigh, told me he was willing, but unable because "he had a headache and (the friend) was coming over to have him work on his truck".

WHAT?

He couldn't make dinner because he was going to help his friend after sleeping all day?

What the Pho?

Here, I have been busting my A$$ off, working at work and around the house. He gets to sleep all day, sluff off any responsibility, and do absolutely NOTHING because he's "sick" and "having a bad day" and "going through a slump" and "has a headache", but can work through a headache to take a look at a truck?

I DON'T THINK SO!

So, today...he gets up early (another peeve of mine...he sleeps all day, and stays up all night, works on his server, then is absolutely useless during the next day) to meet this friend. Starts working right away. Seems to be having a good time (naturally, because he's doing something he likes). He takes off with the only working vehicle without checking with me (or anyone, for that matter) about anyone elses plans for the day. I had to call him at 11:00 and remind him I had to leave in 20 minutes to be in Seattle by noon for a doctor's appointment. Luckily, he came home in time and I made it.

So, I leave, go to my doctor's appointment, and get a text message. "I threw my back out. When are you coming home?"

WHAT?

OMG...WHEN WILL THIS $HIT END?!?!

He wanted me to stop what I'm doing and come home. He wanted me to drop everything to rush home to take care of him. I was going to Seattle, then to Tacoma for some baby clothes/items (that's for another posting!). I told him I would come home after I was done. I didn't make it home until 6:30. Then...when I DID get home, I had to take the friend up to Everett. I left here at 11:30 and didn't come home for the night until 8:15. And, Grey Cloak, who is sick (with a cold), was made to cook dinner because Sulla was laying down. Now, I understand he threw his back out. I TOTALLY understand that one! But...it's just another thing...another excuse not to do anything.

IT'S MAKING ME SO ANGRY!

And, I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk to him, think about him...even look at him. It just makes me so angry! I wish I could sleep all day, watch TV, work on things I want to work on, not make dinner but still eat well.

SHEESH...

Ok, my pooch needs me, so I'm going to bed.

G'nite.

Knowing is Not Believing

2009-03-08T14:58:00.001-07:00

In church today, I'm learning a great lesson. KNOWING IS NOT THE SAME AS
BELIEVING. What does that mean? The example was given about a baseball
player learning what to do in a defensive maneuver. Runners are on 1st
and 3rd. The shortstop has had instruction on what to do. He was
expected to do a specific move. The play was run and he didn't do that
move. Coach came to the player and said, "Now here's what you need to
do...". The player said, "I know, Coach."

He knew what to do, but didn't believe it would work. So, he did what
came naturally, not what he had been instructed to do. If he knew...and
believed...he would have done it.

Wow...

So, I know what is expected of me: do justice, love mercy and walk
humbly before my God.

But, do I believe that works?

Not always.

Am I im support of justice? Yes. But, do I DO justice? Do I obey the
speed limit all the time because it's the law? Do I tithe? Do I give? Do
I strive to live a righteous life? Not always. Why?

Belief.

Am I in support of mercy? Yes. But do I LOVE mercy? Do I forgive when it
isn't asked for? Do I give up the grudge? Not always. Why?

Belief.

Am in in support of humility? Yes. Do I WALK humbly before my God? Do I
present my heart with humility? Do I practice the walk of humility? Not
always. Why?

Belief.

It all comes down to trust. Who do I trust? Do I trust first my own
judgements? Do I trust what comes naturally? Do I trust my own
experiences? Do I trust my own senses?

Or do I trust God.

Period.

God has laid out EXACTLY what is expected. Why don't I do it?

Belief.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Eight: I've Had Enough

2009-02-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

WARNING: This is not the typical happy-go-lucky note/post I put up. I am upset and mad and all of thise emotions rolled into one great-big-pain-in-the-butt-mess! No small children or animals were harmed in the making of this post.

So, I just spent the entire night at work freezing my arse off (pardon me, Dominic). No heat in my work area. Yeah! And, on top of that, I could barely move as it was yesterday. The cold made it even worse today!

So, my boss decided to change things up on us. I guess (and, I say guess because no mention of this was made to me before, during or after my time as manager) our houses were sleeper houses. That means that for 4 hours each graveyard shift, the worker gets to sleep. Normally, I would be all for that. But, with my conditions, it is just a hassle. I have sleep apnea...I stop breathing when I sleep! I'm in danger of not getting enough oxygen to my brain and dying in bed. Not a great condition to have. Well...it is under control with a CPAP machine that continuously pumps air into my lungs so I won't die. So, I can't sleep without this machine or I run the risk of not waking up the next morning (worst case scenario).

Also, I sleep SO HARD that normal alarm clocks don't wake me up. I have to wake up in order to care for my client and get that client ready for work, so I need the alarm clock. My cell alarm won't work because it isntl "jolting" enough. At home, I have a bed shaker for an alarm clock that scared the poo out of me the first time I used it! But, at least I wasn't late for work! Lol!

Anyway, both of those things I need to do my job safely and effectively and both of those need to be plugged in to an electrical outlet. According to company policy, and state law, we as workers are not allowed to plug in any device into client's homes. It is called "financial exploitation" and is punishable by dismissal and jail time if you are caught by the state. So, my boss wanted me to either stay awake during those 4-hour sleeper shifts or sleep without my pump and risk death. (Ok, I'm being a LITTLE melodramatic, but sleep apnea isn't anything to mess around with. It is suspected to be the major cause of SIDS.) So, it's not like I'm not used to staying awake all shift. That's not what I take issue with. The issue I have is that during that 4-hour sleeper shift, I only get paid $9.00 an hour. That's over 30% less for those 4 hours. Now, everyone who works an overnight/graveyard shift gets paid $9.00 an hour. But, because of my medical condition, my boss wanted me to stay awake...and still only get $9.00 an hour. I told her that wasn't fair. She went to her boss' boss, as well as HR, and got approval for me to plug in my pump and sleep during those sleeper shifts.

Yay!

Not!

Because now, I get to unplug my pump and alarm clock at home, clean out the pump, prep it for travel, bring it to work, set it up but not plug it in until midnight, get ready to sleep, plug in my pump and alarm clock, set the time, set the alarm, fill the pump with water for the humidifier, get cozy on the couch (which isn't built for "larger profiles"), toss and turn all night because my back can't handle sleeping on a couch, hope I don't fall off and hurt myself, wake up in the middle of my shift to help my client use the bathroom, go back to sleep, wake up at 4am, turn the pump off, turn the alarm off, unplug both, empty the water, prepare it for travel, pack them both up, take them to downtown Seattle with me, bring them home, unpack them both, set the time on the clock, set the alarm, fill the pump, plug it in, arrange my mas so it doesn't get stuck on my bed frame, settle into bed, sleep for 8 hours, get up and do it all again.

For 30% less money than I was making last month and no benefits...because I had to cancel them because of the pay cut.

So ready for another job. Sorry Tiff...

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Seven...An Apostrophy

2009-01-25T05:31:00.000-08:00

So, when I was younger, in my early teens, I met a boy who turned my world upside down. I was a freshman in high school...he was a senior. He was tall, dark, and handsome. I was never one of the popular kids in school, so naturally, when a senior paid attention to me it made me feel ever-so-special! Well, we started going out.

And things slowly changed.

And, I mean slowly.

After a few months, I started dressing to please him. I started doing my hair to please him. Wearing the kind of make-up he liked to please him. Wearing the right clothes, saying the right words. In essence, I was becoming the person he wanted me to be instead of who I was. Well, at 14, I had no idea who I was anyway, so I didn't see anything wrong with that.

Then, he started pulling me away from my friends. I had to let him know who I was going to be with. I had to make sure he was OK with that before I made plans. That started out as a cute thing. I thought, "Oh, he cares so much about me! He is lonely without me!" And, again, I didn't know what was right or wrong in his behavior. I was 14.

Then, he started pulling me away from my family. I kinda had an idea that something was going wrong, but I was caught up in being in love. The more time I spent with him, the less time I was spending with my family. And, the less time I was spending with my family, the more caught up in him and being in love I was becoming.

The he raped me.

I'll let you all digest that one for a minute.

Yes, he raped me. I was so wrapped up in pleasing him that I forgot how to tell him "no". I wanted to. I tried. I just didn't want him not to love me anymore.

Well, about 9 months into the relationship, God finally got a hold of me and my heart...and my brain! I was at camp and He told me I had to break it off with him. That I was in an unsafe, unhealthy relationship with a man who would not let go of me if I didn't leave. So, in an act of pure faith ('cuz I really didn't want to go...no one wants to be alone!), I left him. I told him that I couldn't live that way anymore and that I was taking my life back. I haven't seen him since. And that's been 18 years.

But, I didn't really take control of my life. I decided (subconsciously) to put on a fat suit so no one would ever want to get that close to me again. I thought if I were ugly enough, men would leave me alone and I wouldn't be taken advantage of that way again. And it worked. I haven't had a date since then...18 years. That's a LONG time. And, it's not for lack of trying. I've had subscriptions to nearly EVERY singles website out there!

After a year of counseling, and some long, hard nights of crying, I've been able to pull myself together and move on. I've "dealt with it" and am a whole person. No, really! I've put it all behind me. I don't hold any animosity toward him. I feel bad that he thought he had to control me and do those things to me, but I'm not angry with him. But if that was truly the case, why do I need the fat suit?

I've tried to lose weight. I've been on Weight Watchers, Weigh Down, Slim Fast, just watching my calorie intake, working out! I've done GREAT on them, too! I've lost anywhere between 20-50 pounds at a time! And, I feet AMAZING when I'm doing it. But, I hit a brick wall and for some stupid reason I stop. I go right...up...to...the...horizon...and turn away. I didn't understand it until last night. I heard a song and it all made sense.

You see, I'm a pretty smart woman. And, I've always been smart. In elementary school, I was reading and comprehending at a high school level. By the time I reached 8th grade, my reading scores were off the charts (read that: college level...in the 8th grade). My IQ is 145. I've always been a very analytical, reasonable, thoughtful (full of thought about my actions) person. But, for some reason I wasn't smart enough to see that situation coming. Everyone else could...I couldn't. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have NOT known that was going to happen.

For years...and I mean Y-E-A-R-S...I have felt ashamed that I made such a stupid mistake. I have beaten myself up for it for the last 18 years. I even went so far as to avoid calling it "rape" and tell people I was "taken advantage of" or playing it off as though we had planned to have sex just to avoid looking stupid. And, I thought the fat suit was to avoid another situation like that altogether. But, in reality, the fat suit was to avoid feeling stupid again.

So, back to the song I heard. It was about a young woman who had gotten caught up in being in love. They say the first time won't ever last. But, that didn't stop me the first time he laughed. All my friends tried to warn me the day that we met, girl, don't you lose your heart yet. His dark eyes dared me with danger. Sparks flied like flames to paper. And the fire of his touch was burning me up...but I still held on.

I stopped dead in my tracks (in the Starbucks drive thru). Sometimes, we are not able to make choices because we are in love. I was so in love with him that I wanted nothing more than to stay that way. I wanted to get married. I wanted to make babies. I wanted to be a family...because I loved him so much. My choices were influenced by my love for him. And, you know what? That's OK. It's normal. People do strange things when they're in love ALL THE TIME! I'm not an idiot. I never was. I never will be. His raping me was not the consequence for me being stupid. I didn't earn that one. And the shame I have carried with me for the last 18 years is unnecessary. It's unfounded. It's time I can give it up. I don't have to carry it, or the fat suit, around with me anymore. I have permission to let it go. Now that I know the REAL cause, I can deal with that and let it go. I don't have to be this way anymore. And, I'm not going to be this way anymore.

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Six...Thankfulness

2008-11-27T14:43:00.000-08:00

Ten Things I'm Thankful For:

~*~ My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and the Salvation work He did on the Cross for me and my sins.

~*~ My family, blood and not, without whom I would not be who I am today.

~*~ My job, though it was a long time coming, because I LOVE going to work every day.

~*~ My friends, Bekii and Stevie, who has been such an encouragement through the last few months.

~*~ My home, though I've moved in and out too many times, it's still home.

~*~ My parents, who brought me into the world and have made me who I am today.

~*~ My dog, who has been my faithful companion, staying by my side for the last 3 years.

~*~ The internet...thanks Al Gore!

~*~ The memories I have of my grandfather...memories no one else has.

~*~ The promises of God for my future.

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Five...ARGH!

2008-11-18T22:05:00.000-08:00

So, I got an email from 2 of my instructors yesterday. They both said they didn't know I was going to be out of class for the rest of the quarter. They both said that they couldn't let me continue and still maintain the integrity of the program. They said I would probably get an "F" in each of their classes. So frustrating...

So, I emailed them back and asked if they would be willing and able to give me an Incomplete for this quarter, then allow me to finish the assignments between now and the beginning of next quarter. Neither of these courses are prerequesites for next courses, so it won't affect future performance. I'm hoping they'll agree...

We'll see what they say. It will influence whether or not I continue with classes. I can feasibly schedule myself around classes from now until the end of the year. But, we'll see...

K, g'nite.

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Four...Change of Heart

2008-11-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

Well, if you read my last post, it was a bit on the melancholy side. But, today, I'm feeling a bit more ambitious. Here's why...

I spoke with some of my friends...the new ones I've made in class. They all were very encouraging, but not very helpful. I got "oh, don't quit now" and "i'll miss you in class", but nothing that really made me feel any better.

Then, I talked with Rosie-Posie. And, she told me how she saw it. The words that stuck out to me, and ultimately made me change my thinking, were "Well, you have to decide what you want to do, but if you give up when things get a little but difficult, you'll never accomplish anything."

(Jaw hits the floor, mouth is gaping open in disbelief)

She KNOWS all I've dealt with. She KNOWS that I've faced trials and tribulations in my life. She KNOWS that I don't just run away when the going gets tough. Usually, I go shopping first! No, just kidding. Well, I do tend to rely on retail therapy when I'm down.

Anyway, I digress...

I was (almost) offended that she would talk to me like that. I felt very not-cared-for. But, I guess I was looking for an "it's ok...everyone will understand" from her and I really didn't get that at all! LOL! And, it was for the better. Because now, although it will be a LOT of work, not to mention a scheduling NIGHTMARE, I'm going to complete what I started. I'll be able to continue being financed through Worker Retraining at the college, have my tuition and books paid for, continue to work, earn enough to support my family AND not have regrets. And, THAT'S what's the most important to me.

Thanks, Rosie-Posie!

Off to do homework...

Sigh...

LOTS of homework!

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Three...Sigh

2008-11-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

Well, today is a day that I really didn't want to come. I came to the conclusion that I have to drop out of school. I got a new job this week. It's going to be too much for me to learn a brand new job, take care of the house, go to classes, do my homework, and do any of it well. So, I'm going to have to drop school.

Sigh. . .

I really wanted to continue on. I just don't think I can take it.

Sigh. . .

Well, that's all for right now. I think I'm going to go to bed. It's the end of a dream I've had...well, not the END, but a "not-right-now" anyway.

Sigh. . .

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Two...A New Chapter

2008-11-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

So, I applied for a job about 2 months ago at my on-call job. I interviewed with my current manager. I interviewed with the Program Manager Supervisor. He was VERY excited about hiring me. It was a Program Manager in King County managing staff who are providing care for developmentally disabled and Deaf adults in a group home. It would have been perfect for me! Taking my Special Education experiences and my office experiences and putting them in one job...that would have been AWESOME! Well, I probably would have gotten the job if our email and phone hadn't been cut off. Thanks Counterpunch!

Anyhow, I didn't get that job. I did get a letter from my manager saying she was trying to contact me for a few weeks. I stopped by the office and talked with the supervisor. He mentioned that there was another job available. In fact, it was taking over for my manager! I would be my own boss! LOL! I would be taking over managing the ASL sites. I'll have Deaf clients, Deaf staff, hearing staff. I'll be in charge of coordinating services, providing services, scheduling, staff meetings, etc. It will be nice.

So, I start on Wednesday at 8:00 am. I'm starting at one of the houses I'll manage. I'll be trained for about a month, then will take the reigns.

I'm a little nervous, but excited, too. It'll be my first real management position. I wonder if I can do it right. I wonder if I'll be a good manager. I wonder if my staff will respect me...even like me. We'll see.

The problem I might have is scheduling school. Part of my job will be to arrange the schedule. One of the perks is that I can put my needs into the schedule before scheduling around it. And, I need to have 16 hours of Direct Contact Service with my clients. So, I can put my 16 hours in, then schedule the other staff around that...which is nice. But, I also have other classes to take. This quarter, I have classes every day. Next quarter, I probably will, too, but it will be a smaller chunk of time each day. So, if I can work my "8-hour-day" in shifts, then I can go to school AND work. If I can't, then I'll have to drop school. However, I am going to TRY MY BEST to do both. Especially because I found out yesterday that there is a way to be funded through Worker Retraining Program at school even though I'm working full time. Let me explain...

So, one of the requirements for worker retraining is that I am in a declining occupation. Well, technically Interpreters aren't in a declining need. So, my WRP Advisor suggested I look through the descriptions to find out what my job is and see if it's declining. Well, sure enough, it is. So, I 'should' be able to continue with my education and work full time with getting full funding through WRP. I should know more later this week.

Well, I think this is a turning point in my life. I hope I don't screw it up! LOL!

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Two...ASL 101

2008-10-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

Today we learned how to sign Adjective-Noun pairs. Like:

~ Red box
~ Gray pants
~ Yellow papers
~ Small TV
~ Deaf woman
~ HOH girl

In ASL, though, you can flip the adjective with the noun. So it would be glossed:

~ Box, red
~ Pants, gray
~ Papers, yellow
~ TV, small
~ Woman, Deaf
~ Girl, hoh

Also, when talking about colors, the eyebrows and facial expressions determine the degree of intensity. So:

~ Light blue, your eyebrows go up.
~ Neutral or general blue, eyebrows stay neutral.
~ Dark blue, eyebrows go down.

Different sentence structures for the following sentence:

Your boyfriend likes to have a dark red car.

WH-q
~ your boyfriend likes to have color what? (eyebrows down)

Y/N-q
~ your boyfriend likes to have dark red car? (eyebrows up)

S-V-O
~ Your boyfriend likes to have dark red car. (flat affect)

O-S-V
~ Dark red car, your boyfriend likes to have? (eyebrows up, then WAY up).

I think I'll track these lessons on another blog...as soon as I set it up!

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-One...Long Time

2008-10-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

Well, LOTS has been going on at the ranch. Ok, so I don't live on a ranch, but I've always wanted to say that.

First, our water was just shut off. That's right, we have no running water. Kinda like the Laura Ingalls days, eh? Except they could get credit at the Olsons' store for food and supplies. We can't even do that.

We have a mortgage payment due in 5 days and no money for it.

We have a PUD bill due in 3 days and no way to pay for it.

We have $172 in food stamps for groceries until November 7th.

We have less than a 1/2 a tank of gas in one car. The other car is undrivable because the tabs have expired and we can't afford to pay them.

On a positive note, I'm back at school. I'm going for my Deaf Studies degree and my Interpreter Certification. Maybe then I can actually work! HA!

Ok, gotta find some resources. Bye!

Day...Way Too Late at Night to Care

2008-09-17T23:46:00.000-07:00

So, I just held a baby that is less than two hours old. Yes, you read
that right...TWO HOURS! Rosie-Posie Bramble had her baby while I hung
out with Peony Brockhouse today. Rosie-Posie let me know last night
that she was probably going to be induced today at 6 am. Her husband
texted me this morning at 6 saying they needed to leave at 7:00 and
asked if I could be there by 6:45. So, I got up and 15 minutes later
was on the road!

Fortunately, Peony and I had a very busy day. We went to the college at
which I will be taking classes. I had to sit through the orientation
seminar before I could register. It's a necessary evil, but kinda
redundent. I have been through orientations with my AA, my BA and my
MA. I don't think much has changed! Anyway, we had a BUSY day!
Leaving the house at noon to meet with my advisor, which I'll comment on
in a moment, we got to the school about 12:30. We didn't leave there
until about 4 pm. And, naturally, I forgot to pack a lunch and I spent
what little money I had on parking and the stupid test I had to take.
And...I forgot that 3-year-olds still take naps. So, naturally, Peony
was EXHAUSTED and CRABBY when we got to my house for a sandwich and
Goldfish crackers! But, still, she was a VERY good girl!

We finally got home, in our PJs, and settled down with a snack to watch
a movie...Mulan, to be exact! I got a text at 9:38 from Túveren saying
"He's here!". So, we went to the hospital. And I got to hold the most
precious little boy I've seen in a LONG time. He was literally 1 hour
and 15 minutes old. Wow.

Ok, so I met with my advisor at 12:30. I had to get permission to take
some of the ITP classes while concurrently enrolled in ASL classes.
Yes, I'm taking ASL classes! I've never had that formal experience, so
I can't translate it into my own ASL classroom. Anyway, basically, I'm
going to hybridize (if that's a word!) my degree. I'm going to take all
of the Deaf Studies classes and most of the ITP classes for a total of
96 credits. The only thing I won't do is the practicum and the advanced
ASL-to-English and English-to-ASL classes. I don't need them. That's
not my goal. My goal is to get enough formal education so I can go,
confidently, into a school district and teach an ASL class.

So, my advisor gave me permission to go ahead with my plan of study.
Which ROCKS! Cuz it will be the only degree of its kind!

Ok, I'm exhausted right now, so I'm going to bed.

Interesting Assessment

2008-09-15T13:51:00.001-07:00

So, I got to the college at which I'm planning to take courses for my
Deaf Studies degree today. I was told last week that I could bring
unofficial copies in just to prove I had taken English and had some of
the math credits I need. Well, that information was wrong. So, the
gentleman at the admissions office told me that I could take the
placement test and save time. Ok, so, I did that. Here were my
results.

~ Math: score 44. Recommendation - Placement in Math 084: Elementary
Algebra

That was expected.

~ Writing: score 87. Recommendation - Placement in English 101.

Ok, not as good as I'd hoped, but, still...

~ Reading: score 78. Recommendation - Your scores indicate that you may
be reading at a pre-college level. English 095, Reading Improvement, is
recommended.

. . .

What? How can I have my master's degree and be reading below college
level?

Der!

Day One-Hundred-Nineteen...Financial Possibility

2008-09-10T00:03:00.001-07:00

I just happened to be looking on the website of the college I was to attend in a few weeks and I came across their Worker Retraining Program. That program is designed for people who are unemployed and need training to GET a job, or are currently employed and need training to KEEP a job. Well, I thought for sure the program I want to take would NOT be listed, but IT IS! Both the Deaf Studies and the Interpreting programs are Professional/Technical programs I could take.

It's funny...Gray Cloak, when I asked if he would consider co-signing a personal student loan for me, he said that if God really wanted me to take those classes, He would provide a way.

I think He just did!

If I qualify, I would get tuition, books, and supplies...all free! I wouldn't have to take out any loans. I wouldn't have to worry about going further into debt. And I could work, too.

I just have to qualify...

Day One-Hundred-Eighteen...Interviews

2008-09-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, I have 2 interviews. One is for a part-time Nanny position to the North of me. It's 3 days a week for approximately 5 hours a day. I don't know how much per hour, but it would work around school.

The second is for the Program Manager for developmentall disabled adults in group homes. It's fill time, Monday through Friday. And, I get to help people.

So, the first interview is at 11:00 and the second is at 1:00. So, if you think of it, pray for me. Pray that God's will be done.

Day One-Hundred-Seventeen...Confirmation!

2008-09-01T02:01:00.000-07:00

So, today, I received confirmation from several places that I'm supposed to go back to college and get my Deaf Studies.

1) Family

My family has ALWAYS been my balance. Especially Sulla. He's just always (sometimes, very annoyingly) talkin' smack about my plans and decisions. Ok, not really talkin' smack, but I have to admit, that was fun to say! Anyway, he's always "questioning" me about what I'm doing, making sure I'm thinking things through. I was actually talking with him about going back for the English degree. I was telling him all the hoops I had to jump through before I would be able to do it and wasn't sure I could make it in time. He said something the other day that made me go, "Gosh, thanks, dude! That really felt awful!" He said, "Maybe you need to reconsider being a teacher. It seems like, even though you're good at it, it's not what God has meant for you to do. Maybe you missed the boat."

I was stunned...

But, I didn't say anything and just thought about it. Normally, I would have gotten mad at him and depressed because I "know he's right". But, no, God actually used that to get me thinking about the direction in my life. I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am to be a teacher. I know that. I know I am supposed to be teaching in an ASL/Deaf field. So, as I posted the other day, I looked for some information on how to become a better teacher. I came across the Deaf Studies program. So, I decided to take that path.

Here comes the confirmation...

When I told Sulla, Dilibrirth and Gray Cloak about it, they ALL said, "GO FOR IT!" There was no questioning, no "do you think this is God's path?". None of that! That NEVER happens! So, confirmation number one!

2) Leadership

I've joined Facebook. I found the ASLTA page on Facebook and tried to join. Well, the President of the ASLTA responded and informed me that I couldn't be part of the page because I wasn't a member of the ASLTA. I told her I didn't realize it was different than the WA-ASLTA and I would join as soon as possible. I thought, if anyone would know what it takes to be a good ASL teacher, it would be her above anyone else. So, I asked. She told me that the Deaf Studies program would be "exactly what [I] need" to improve my skills. She also said that I might want to add regular education classes such as classroom management, assessment skills and some classes on teaching foreign language. Well, I already have those, so I'm good to go!

3) Finances

In order to go to school, I have to work 40 hours a week. I've done that before, but it's only been because I was taking all classes online! Not this program. Some can be taken online, but not the majority. And, some of the classes are day and some are night. Well, I've made it possible to take classes around my working schedule. If I substitute this year, I can take jobs on days I don't have classes during the day. Then, I can do my PSA "thing" evenings and weekends...or after class, depending on when they finish. If I don't sub, or if I get another full-time day job, I can take most of the classes I really need during the afternoons and evenings. So, it works out where I can do both! And, I can get enough financial aid to cover some expenses, get out of debt, and have enough for books, supplies and gas for transportation.

God is good.

Day One-Hundred-Sixteen...A Day of Changes

2008-08-31T01:11:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, I've decided to head back to school to...well, to make myself a little more employable. I've had NOTHING but struggles trying to get into a full time, permanent teaching position. It's been SO VERY FRUSTRATING! Oh, and as an update, I didn't get the ASL job to the North. I emailed the principal and asked what the status was on my application. He said that I wasn't recommended for the next step because I didn't have the level of knowledge of instructional methods and assessment for ASL as he would have expected for that position. I was SO relieved to hear that it WASN'T because of a nasty reference from my last position. Anyway, that email got me thinking...and Sulla got me thinking, too...about what I really need to do. I am at such a crossroads right now. I'm not employed full time. I have the opportunity to go back to school for whatever I want to do. What decision should I make?

Well, I thought, and prayed, and prayed and thought. I asked myself, "What kinds of things do I need to do to make myself a better teacher?" and "What kinds of methods was the principal looking for?" and "Should I just go with what I want to do and get the English degree because that will be SO MUCH FUN or should I try something that will actually make me better at what I do?" Well, after much prayer, I decided I would turn to the internet! Ok, I just wanted to see if what I was sensing from the Lord was feasible. I know it's possible, but I wanted to see if I was hearing correctly.

And, much to my surprise, I was.

I Googled the question, "What education does an ASL teacher need?". And, right away, among other sites, the website for the ASLTA popped up. The ASLTA is the American Sign Language Teacher's Association. I actually belong to the WA-ASLTA (Washington Chapter of the ASLTA), but not the National organization. I'm going join just as soon as I can! Anyway, they gave several out-of-state universities that have Deaf Studies degrees. One is at CSUN (California State University at Northridge), a VERY popular West-Coast university for ASL-related studies. Another, which I wouldn't mind going to at all, is at Gallaudet in Washington DC. Now, the only part about getting another degree, especially from one of these universities, would be the relocation. My heart sank when I saw all of their recommendations were for universities out of state. The closest is in Californa. I don't like California. I have a hard time when it gets over 70 degrees. And, I don't want to move anywhere.

So, I thought, OK, Lord, maybe I didn't hear from you. Maybe I'm just projecting what I want onto what I think you're saying to me.

But, then, it hit me. One of the Community Colleges in town has a 2-year AAS Degree in Deaf Studies. It's only a few miles away! I can live here, work here, and get my degree. Now, for those of you who don't know, I already have my AA, my BA, and my MA. My AA is a general transfer degree. My BA is in Special Education and Elementary Education, with my teaching certificate. And, my Masters Degree is in Deaf Education. It might seem silly for me to "regress" and get another AA degree, but it's the content I'm missing.

Let me explain...

I grew up learning ASL. I grew up learning Deaf Culture. I grew up immersed in Deaf History. But, I never learned how to teach it. I learned ASL from friends, teachers (informally, in class as a means of learning another subject), and from adults. I took 1 ASL class when I was 23 because my work paid for it...and I wanted to increase my GPA. But, that was in 1999...9 years ago! I don't remember any of the assignments or activities. I don't remember the "grammar structure" of ASL, or any of the other components of ASL. I know the language. I'm fluent in it, but have never had it broken down for me. I can tell you when an aspect is missing, but I couldn't tell you what it's called.

The same is true with Deaf Culture and History. I could tell you the names Laurent Clerc, Alice Cogswell, Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet, Howie Seago, AG Bell, Helen Keller, Ken Mikos, Ella Mae Lentz, Jason Zinza, I. King Jordan. But, I have never seen those names brought to life. I have NO idea how to incorporate their significance into a lesson plan.

This predicament would be like any of you, being fluent in a language, going to a foreign country and trying to explain it without having taken formal classes. Say you learned Spanish from a friend growing up...using it every day for 15 years. Say you could get along perfectly in a Mexican restaurant, and hold your own while watching a Novella, or in a conversation. You are fluent in Spanish, a near-native speaker. Now, imagine you were invited to teach Spanish at a High School. Would you feel comfortable? No. That's what I was trying to do. I am a native-speaker (well, as near-native as you can get) and I was trying to go from a Mexican restaurant to a classroom...unprepared. It didn't work.

So, what do I do? I go get prepared! That means...drumroll please...I'm going back and taking ASL 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6! LOL! I KNOW! Hysterical, isn't it? I'm already fluent in the language and I'm going to take those classes anyway. Silly? No. Why, you ask? Because I will not only be learning the things I missed (like the labels and correct grammar/syntax, etc.), I will be gleaning teaching techniques from my instructors to be used within my classroom. Ah-ha, you say! I'll be stealing their ideas! Yes. I will. But, in the education world, we call that collaboration! Thank you, Dr. Hartnett! Actually, I will be using what I learn, taking that information and molding it to my teaching style. It will also allow me to match my curriculum with the articulation agreement that this particular community college has with the high schools in the area. Under that specific agreement, in an effort to attract high school students to ASL-, or Deaf-related education and jobs after graduation, students who earn a B or better in an approved teacher's class will receive college credits for those classes, thereby eliminating 2 - 3 classes they have to take, and pay for, once they graduate. It's a win-win-win situation. I was working on becoming approved when I got sick last April.

So, anyway, that's where I'm going. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if I can do it with my work schedule. I have to work full time if I want to go to school. I have a family for which I have to provide. It's kinda nice having people relying on me again, but at the same time, it's quite a responsibility. Sulla and I are the bread-winners in our house right now and neither of us are working! In fact, both of us are going back to school to better ourselves. He's going for Computer Drafting and Design and I'm going for Deaf Studies...something we're each passionate about...and good at!

So, I'll be taking a variety of classes. Like I said, I'll be taking ASL I - VI. I'll also be taking Deaf Culture classes and ITP (Interpreter Training Program) classes. Because many of the districts are taking ASL and putting it in a Career and Technical Education category (for financial reasons), ASL teachers are expected to bring ASL/Deaf-related jobs and skills into the classroom. So, that's why I'm taking the ITP classes. And, who knows, if I play my cards right, I just might come out a certified Interpreter, too! Wouldn't that be cool!

Well, if I've calculated correctly, my schedule for the next 2 years will look like this:

Fall 2008:

~ ASL I
~ Deaf-Blind Interpreting
~ Survey of Interpreting

Winter 2009:

~ ASL II
~ Ethics of Interpreting
~ Spanish I (Ok, that's not in the program, but I've always wanted to learn Spanish!)

Spring 2009:

~ Introduction to Deaf Studies
~ Spanish II
~ Comparative Linguistics: ASL and English

Summer 2009: (this is tentative...I may just take the summer off!)

~ Interculture Communication
~ ASL III
~ Spanish III

Fall 2009:

~ ASL IV
~ ASL-to-English Interpretation
~ English-to-ASL Interpretation

Winter 2010 (Oh, my goodness, can you believe I'm talking about 2010? Scary!):

~ American Deaf Culture
~ ASL V
~ Interpreting in Specialized Settings (this brings in several ASL- or Deaf-related fields: mental health, medical, legal, educational k-12, substance abuse programs, performance and religious settings)

Spring 2010

~ ASL VI
~ ASL Theatre
~ Survey of Hearing Impairment (this one I may ask to waive. I just took it in grad school. I may take it again, though...just to have it all fresh).

All told, it will be 96 credits, another complete degree, and at half the cost of the university I was attending for my English degree. Literally, half the cost, twice the education. And, it will further me in my career goals much better than the (ever-so-fun, but ever-so-frivolous) English degree.

And, it should fit nicely around my subbing schedule and my PSA schedule. I feel very much at peace about it.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing this to me. Thank you, God, for shutting the door on the English degree by making me not feel at peace about it. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for prompting me to look at what I had planned and compare it to what God said about it. Thank you, God, for reaffirming my belief that this is the way I am supposed to go.

Ok, g'nite! I AM going to church tomorrow! That's another blog, but I'm excited! I'm going back to church, AND going to get connected with a Young Women's group. Ok, I'll share. I was on my church's website, looking over the calendar. Our mid-week services have been on hiatus for the last few weeks, winding down from the summer and gearing up for Fall. So, I haven't been able to jump right in like I wanted to. And, interestingly enough, that's been ok. Turns out, as I was on the calendar, I found a link to a woman's name, email and phone number. The link was for a "Young Women's Home Group". At first, I thought, "I'm probably too old. They're probably look at right out of high school through 29 or 30. That was the enemy! I emailed this woman anyway, just asking for clarification. She said she was looking for women between 25 and 35. I WAS ELATED! YAY! I'm still YOUNG! LOL! Anyway, we'll be starting up on Wednesday nights, the first night being the 10th, at the church. We're going to be studying a book called "Secrets of the Secret Place". Oh, that's JUST what I've been needing. I have REALLY been experiencing a time of making up for things I've missed. I've missed in the ASL classes. I've missed out in church. I've missed out in my relationship with Christ and how that works. But, God is bringing all of those things around and working them out. He is GOOD!

Ok, so now I really AM going to bed. I have to get up in 7.5 hours. I should have been in bed HOURS ago! I had a HORRIBLE migraine on Friday and ended up sleeping until 5:30 Friday evening. Needless to say, I wasn't tired when everyone else went to bed! Heh! So, I was up until 6:30 this morning! I went to bed and probably fell asleep by 7:00 - 7:15 or so. It was light out...that's all I know! Ha! Anyway, I purposely set my alarm to get up no later than noon so I'd be nice and tired come bed time. Well, as you can see, that didn't work! LOL! Well, actually, I was tired ALL day...even considered a nap around 4:50 - 5:00. But, no, I kept myself up, working on my class schedule so I could go to bed descent. Again, didn't work! I caught a second wind! Sigh...

Ok...NOW I'm going to bed. I'm out of things to talk about. For now...

Hee Hee!

Day One-Hundred-Fifteen...Promise Number Three

2008-08-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

So, this promise has actually been significant in my life several times. But, none more so than tonight. I discovered that ex-roomie has taken the rest of my cable equipment and done something with it...other than handing it over to the cable tech on July 15th...like she was supposed to do. So, I now have a bill for cable of over $615, which, incidentally, includes her and her mother's portion of the cable from May 20 to June 30th. So, not only does she owe me 1 DVR box and a cable modem, she owes for 2/3 of the cable bill, 2/3 of the garbage bill, 2/3 of the PUD bill and 2/3 of the PSE bill. All total, just in the bills, she owes me $187 and change...and that's AFTER I used the $150 she had in my account for her groceries (yes, the one she is accusing me of stealing...ummm...hello...it went to pay for part of your bills!).

When, I confronted ex-roomie on it, her true colors really showed (as if I couldn't see them before). She, naturally, had to resort to name-calling: childish, worthless pratter, someone whose life is a mess and doesn't even have the remote chance of ever being a mother, a life with no value, a little girl, pobrecita (Spanish for poor little girl), deluded, the mother of none, not important, jealous, incestuous, a liar, irrational, unbecoming (she thought I was begging for money). It was quite interesting. You know when you have a lightbulb moment and you see things clearly, for what they really are, for the first time? I had one of those today. Moob didn't divorce her ex because he cheated on her. He cheated on her because she drove him away. Things didn't go exactly as she had planned and she drove him away. Does that excuse what he did? Uh, heckno-techno! But, it does EXPLAIN it! I just feel bad that Millyra, and now Olorin, are caught in the middle of it and are helpless to do anything about it.

You know, I told Moob that I had been more of a mom to her daughter in the 2 1/2 years I knew her than she would EVER be in her entire life, just by donating an egg. And, it's true. (Pardon me while I rant a little...I need this!). Who was it that showed this little girl unconditional love? Me. Who was it that led her to the Lord? Me. Who was it that showed her things in Scripture? Me. Who was it that taught her to pray? Me. Who was it that she stayed with on Mother's Day because she wanted to go to church? Me. Who taught her to love reading? Me. Who helped her be successful in school? Me. Who was it that showed her how to care for others? Me. Who was it that stayed with her mother in the hospital for 2 nights after emergency surgery, sleeping in a recliner made for someone who weighs less than 150 pounds, wiping her butt because she couldn't reach it herself, and the nurse wouldn't do it without latex gloves (she's allergic to latex)? Me. Who took an entire week off work when she came home (which contributed to losing the job), slept on the couch, and jumped every time Moob woke up to make sure she was ok? Me. Who was there when Millyra had cramps and needed some cuddle time, and didn't mind being woke out of a dead sleep to minister to the emotional needs of an 11-year-old in pain, even though Moob was awake downstairs playing on her computer? Me. That's what being a mom is all about. Not giving birth. Any idiot can give birth. I don't have children and am still a mom. She has had a child and is no where NEAR being a mom. That's the REAL miracle of childbirth.

And, you know...I think my perspective on motherhood has really changed. I've always felt bad because I don't have kids. I want them SO much. I've always felt a failure as a woman because I don't have kids. I've always felt less. But, on Mother's Day this year, my Pastor was honoring all of the mothers. I've already blogged about this, but it's significant to my feelings and reactions today. He wanted all of the moms in the sanctuary to stand up. Then, he said all women who were 21 or older could join them. I thought at first he meant all the moms who were 21 or older can join them. But, he said, "No, I want every woman in here who is 21 or older to stand up. Even if you don't have children by birth, you're still mothering someone." I was speechless. He was right. I didn't have children by birth, but I was still a mom. I got a flower and chocolate along with all the other moms. What an amazing day. That felt so good...to be acknowledged. And, that is something that Moob will never understand. She ASSUMES that she gets to be loved as a mother just because she's given birth...that she has the corner on that market. I told her tonight that Millyra HAS to love her because she's her birth child. But, Millyra CHOSE to love me. And that's something Moob will never understand...having someone CHOOSE to love her.

Now, the paragraph before the last is RIDDLED with "ME, ME, ME", and normally I'm not all about "ME". However, I wanted to prove a point. Not that anyone reading this will need that point proven to them, but sometimes it feels good to just write it down! The point is that some people are takers and others are givers. I try my DARNDEST to be a giver. It's just my personality. I have given and given and given. It seems like all that giving has gone unnoticed. There's an old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished" and, boy, have I felt like that. It seems like all I do is try to help people, give people what they need and more, provide for others, minister to others, take them in, share my family with them...and get kicked in the teeth. My sister did that...my boyfriend did that...my cousin did that...and now my friend did that. You'd think that after so many times, I'd finally get it through my thick skull! Knock it off, already! But, no! That's what the enemy wants me to believe. That's where I have to hold onto this third promise (do you like how I tied that in? Not too shabby!). Everything that I have done...everthing that has been done to me...God sees and works together for good BECAUSE I love Him and am called according to His purpose. It is HIS purpose for me to give. It is HIS purpose for me to love. It is HIS purpose for me to provide. It is HIS job, then, to work the "bad" things into good...not mine!

Just an aside, I am choosing to NOT use The Message interpretation this time. While I LOVE that interpretation, the meaning of the scripture is implicit, not explicit...and I think this one deserves the explicit!

Romans 8:28 (NIV) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

And we know...

~ to have knowledge or clear and certain perception, as of fact or truth.
~ to be cognizant or aware, as of some fact, circumstance, or occurrence; have information, as about something.

...that in all things...

~ the whole quantity or amount
~ the whole number; every one
~ everything

...God works...

~ to use or manage
~ to bring about
~ to manipulate or treat
~ to put into effective operation
~ to operate
~ to carry on operations
~ to make, fashion, or execute
~ to achieve or win by work or effort

...for the good...

~ profit or advantage; worth; benefit
~ excellence or merit; kindness
~ moral righteousness; virtue

...of those who love Him...

~ a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
~ a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection

...who have been called...

~ To order or request to undertake a particular activity or work; summon

....according to...

~ in agreement, unity, or harmony with
~ to make to agree or correspond; to suit one thing to another; to adjust

...His purpose.

~ the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.
~ an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.
~ determination; resoluteness.
~ the subject in hand; the point at issue.
~ practical result, effect, or advantage

So, all of the things that I've gone through with Moob and the nastiness it's caused me, those things will work together for good, by God, because I live Him and have lived in agreement with His purposes for me.

Of that, I can be sure!

Day One-Hundred-Fourteen...Promise Number Two

2008-08-22T00:03:00.000-07:00

John 14:15 & 16 (NIV)

"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever.

The Message:

If you love me, show it by doing what I've told you. I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you.

If you love me...

~ a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
~ a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection

...show it...

~ to cause or allow to be seen
~ to explain or make clear
~ to make known to
~ to prove; demonstrate

...by doing...

~ to act or conduct oneself
~ to perform
~ to execute
~ to accomplish
~ to put forth

... what I've told you.

~ to announce or proclaim
~ to utter
~ to express in words
~ to reveal or divulge
~ to say plainly or positively
~ to inform
~ to bid, order, or command

...I will talk to the Father...

~ to communicate or exchange ideas, information, etc., by speaking
~ to consult or confer
~ a conference or negotiating session

... and he'll provide you...

~ to make available; furnish
~ to supply or equip
~ to afford or yield
~ to take measures with due foresight
~ to make arrangements for supplying means of support, money, etc.
~ to supply means of support

...another Friend...

~ a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard
~ a person who gives assistance
~ a person who is on good terms with another

... so that you will always...

~ every time; on every occasion; without exception
~ all the time; continuously; uninterruptedly
~ forever
~ in any event; at any time; if necessary

...have someone with you.

~ accompanied by; accompanying

Promise Number Three, Next!

Day One-Hundred-Thirteen...God Is Good

2008-08-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

All The Time!

I have to tell myself that because, if I don't, I'll end up crying. And, while my faith is being shaken, stirred, rumbled around and pounded upon, I WILL stand firm on the promises of God.

Promise Number 1) My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in Glory in Christ Jesus.

As I read this in the NIV, it said exactly what I thought it would say. God shall supply all your needs. But, reading it in the Message, it says something different to me: "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus." Let's look at this:

You can be sure...

~ free from doubt as to the reliability, character, action, etc., of something
~ confident, as of something expected
~ convinced, fully persuaded, or positive
~ assured or certain beyond question: a sure victory.
~ worthy of confidence; reliable; stable: a sure messenger.
~ unfailing; never disappointing expectations: a sure cure.
~ unerring; never missing, slipping, etc.: a sure aim.
~ admitting of no doubt or question: sure proof.
~ destined; bound inevitably; certain

...that God will...

~ expected or required to
~ determined or sure to

...take care of...

~ to act on; deal with; attend to

...everything...

~ every thing or particular of an aggregate or total; all

...you need...

~ a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation
~ a lack of something wanted or deemed necessary
~ urgent want, as of something requisite
~ necessity arising from the circumstances of a situation or case
~ a situation or time of difficulty; exigency
~ a condition marked by the lack of something requisite
~ destitution; extreme poverty

...his generosity...

~ readiness or liberality in giving

...exceeding even yours...

~ to go beyond in quantity, degree, rate, etc.: to exceed the speed limit.
~ to go beyond the bounds or limits of: to exceed one's understanding.
~ to surpass; be superior to; excel
~ to be greater, as in quantity or degree.
~ to surpass others; excel or be superior.

...in the glory...

~ very great praise, honor, or distinction bestowed by common consent; renown
~ something that is a source of honor, fame, or admiration; a distinguished ornament or an object of pride
~ adoring praise or worshipful thanksgiving
~ resplendent beauty or magnificence
~a state of great splendor, magnificence, or prosperity
~ a state of absolute happiness, gratification, contentment, etc

...that pours...

~ To stream or flow continuously or profusely.
~ To rain hard or heavily

...from Jesus.

Ok, NOW it says something VERY different. I have always loved language and it's been difficult for me to really read Scriptures without hearing my Sunday School teachers reciting them without any feeling or emotion. So, to read the Message version, then look up the significant words, helps me to really 'get' what the meaning of a scripture really is. Do I do that with every Scripture? No. Jesus wept. It's pretty self-explanatory! But, when a Scripture is brought to my mind or given to me by a friend, I like to delve into it and glean the root meaning. It makes it SO much easier to apply to my life.

Promies 2, tomorrow!

Day One-Hundred-Twelve...Update

2008-08-15T10:05:00.001-07:00

1) It's over. The mess I've been in with ex-roomie is finally over. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

2) I got a job. I'm now an on-call Personal Support Advocate for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing clients with the Volunteers of America, Greenwood. What does that mean? Well, it means I get to hang out with some pretty cool people, helping them with their daily lives, teaching them to be independent in their living arrangements. Right now, it's only on-call, but it can develop into a full time and permanent position. And, because of my ASL background, I get a higher level of pay. No benefits right now, but as I accrue more hours, those will become available.

3) Just had an interview with a school district just South of me. It's for a middle school EBD program. EBD, for those of who who are not in Special Education, stands for Emotionally and Behaviorally Disabled. According to Wikipedia, EBD "is a broad category which is used commonly in educational settings, to group a range of more specific perceived difficulties of children and adolescents. Both general definitions as well as concrete diagnosis of EBD may be controversial as the observed behaviour may depend on many factors." So, basically it is a class for students with behavior and emotional disorders or issues that seriously impede their learning within a general classroom setting. It'd be a challenge, but I think I'm up for it. I met with the Principal and the Director of Special Services today for a screening interview. They're doing the screening this week, then second interviews next week and offering the job by Friday of next week (August 22)...which is good because classes start September 3rd!

4) I haven't heard back about the .6 ASL job. I fear that they called my previous district and got a bad reference. I really want THIS job over any other I've applied for. It's perfect for me. And, the Principal seemed to be into me and my skills, even commenting that with my Special Education background, they probably would be able to find other duties for me to make it full time. And, I know the other 2 ASL teachers, so, we could collaborate together, aligning our classes to produce quality education and students who are able to communicate with each other on the same levels. I'm not giving up hope, but I'd like to know soon so I can get my stuff together!

5) I still have no money...

6) I'll start subbing in the fall. I am back on the sub list for all 3 districts I was working for last year.

7) I've started reading Matthew and Psalms. My girlfriends have started encouraging me to get back into the Bible. I'm sure that's why I've been feeling all nasty in my spirit.

Ok...that's all for now.

Day One-Hundred-Eleven...Fed Up

2008-08-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

I totally don't know what to say. I was doing SO well. I had even stopped dreaming about ex-roomie. But, yesterday, ex-roomie's new roomie made a comment on MySpace that showed her TRUE personality and character.

It just seems like one . . . thing . . . after . . . another

. . . after . . . another

. . . after . . . another.

I was forced to move out of my home.

I just now got my belongings out of storage.

I have no job.

I have no money.

I have no food.

I'm on public assistance . . . read that: food stamps

My dad has been sick for nearly 6 months . . . from a bleeding ulcer . . . from the stress of all this crap.

He's been out of work for months, too . . . just now getting back to it.

We have a house payment due in a week and no money to pay it.

I've had interview upon interview, but no job.

I've been trying to help outside with the renovation project.

It's been too hot to work outside very much for me.

I just got all my furniture in the back yard yesterday.

It rained last night.

My boxes got wet.

It rained today.

My furniture got wet.

Ex-roomie has flared her ugly head again . . . this time through ex-roomie's new roomie.

New roomie accused me of purposefully stealing her son's board games.

New roomie accused me of being un-Christian-like.

Then, ex-roomie has drug my character and relationship with Christ through the mud.

She's proclaiming to be a Christian and that it is her "duty to spread the Word and lead others who have strayed from God's path."

She's accusing me of stealing things that got packed in my belongings when I was forced to move.
She's accusing me of being jealous of my Dad "adopting her as another daughter".

She's accusing me of sinning against her 11 year old daughter (who I had a MUCH closer relationship with than she EVER had . . . I taught her how to put a tampon in, prayed for her when she had cramps, cuddled with when she was missing her father, brought up from a 1st grade reading level to a 5th grade reading level in less than 2 years . . . you get the picture) by putting the item she accused me of stealing (a baptism dress that ex-roomie asked to store in my closet at that house) out in the rain and ruining it out of spite and in an attempt to "pay her back".

She is lecturing me on repentence and forgiveness.

She is pointing out how un-Christian I am being.

I'm just trying to get on with my life.

I have no money for my meds . . . and I NEED those meds.

I've defaulted on 2 credit cards because I've had no money.

I had to drop out of school because of all these situations.

I'm so tired of this . . .

I've never wanted to say screw everything, screw everyone, I'm taking my ball and leaving!

I so need a vacation . . .

I almost would like to just up and move . . . far, far away, and never see anyone again.

Sigh . . .

So, my faith is on the rocks . . . .no, not like whisky on the rocks, more like rocky terrain. My belief in human kindness is shaken. My desire to reach out and offer myself to others is squelched. My will to pick myself up and move on is waivering. My belief that when I do something for someone else, that is a good thing and that those investments in the lives of my friends will someday have a return.

I'm definitely at a crossroads.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . .

I try to keep a happy face . . .

I try to remain strong for my family . . .

I try to maintain my faith . . .

I don't think I can do it anymore . . .

I'm not strong enough . . .

I'm not going to off myself, but I might just break down.

Day One-Hundred-Ten...Reconnecting

2008-08-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

So, I've reconnected with several people from my past...both those I never thought I'd see again and those I thought wouldn't ever remember me! I reconnected with one girl I went to elementary school with! LOL!

I've also reached outside of my comfort zone and applied for some jobs that I never thought I'd like to do. In fact, I had an interview for an Advocate for Adults with Developmental Disabilities and who are Deaf. Perfect! I should know on Monday or Tuesday if I get that.

I also had my interview for that .6 ASL position. I should know by next Friday. And, the principal of the high school I'd be working at was at the interview. I asked if there were other duties I could add to the .6 to make it closer to full time. He said, without hesitation, "With your Special Education background and experience, most likely." I was pleasantly surprised! In fact, I looked at the teacher's schedule from last year (2007-2008) and, if I take that teacher's place, I'd actually teach 2 classes of Life Skills and 3 classes of ASL, with 1 period for planning. That'd be awesome!

Ok...so hungry! Getting some food! Then going to bed!

G'nite!

Day One-Hundred-Nine...Interview

2008-08-04T22:20:00.000-07:00

I have an interview tomorrow for an ASL position tomorrow. It's only a .6, but it's better than nothing. And, it has benefits, so...

If y'all think about it, please pray that God's will be done.

I'll keep you posted!

Day One-Hundred-Eight...Changes

2008-07-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

Gray Cloak and I, along with some friends, cleared out 5 sofas and loveseats from the basement, a dining room table, 4 chairs, and 2 end tables. These are all going on CraigsList to be sold to make up some of the money I had to spend to move out of my house...and to pay for the bills we have. We're also going to sell my couch and chair, my dining room table and chairs, my old entertainment center, and some other things, too.

I've applied for some teaching jobs for the fall. One is at the place I did my internship for my undergrad studies. It's for a Deaf-Blind student. Basically, I would be her eyes and ears, facilitating communication and accessibility to her education. I think I know who it will be, so I'm making the (educated) assumption that this student is a "her".

I also have an interview with the school district 2 districts north of me for an ASL teaching position. That would be VERY cool. It's only a .6 FTE. FTE means Full Time Equivalent...so a full time teacher would be a 1.0 FTE. So, this position is only a .6 FTE, but with where I fall on the pay scale, I should be fine. If not, I can always supplement it with some tutoring or something.

I also had interviews yesterday with 2 families to be their nanny. One family was in a HUGE house south east of me...not too far away...about 15 miles one way. They'll pay about $35,000 a year with 1 week paid vacation, 5 sick days and holidays off. This family had 3 boys: one is going into 1st grade, 1 in Kindergarten, and 1 baby...well, one year old.

The second family lives in the same neighborhood in which I was born and lived for the first 6 years of my life. They have 2 twin girls that are 15 months old. They're learning ASL as their first language, which is REALLY cool! They LOVE playing outside and inside. They LOVE to read. This family only needs someone Mondays and Wednesdays, but it's do-able.

I also had an interview earlier in the week for a family just South of where I live. They have 2 boys: 4 and 1 year old. They're looking for someone quite structured. They're offering $20,000 a year, plus vacation and sick days. But, they're also able to possibly offer me a job share with his sister. She has a 4 year old and would be able to add to that.

So, we'll see what happens.

Going to cook dinner...buh-bye!

Day One-Hundred-Seven...The Beginning of Faith

2008-07-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

Today I got a call from one of the staff pastors at my church. He had
been told that I wasn't working and was looking for some assistance. I
explained my situation, which include's Gray Cloak's being sick and not
working, Dilibririth's current physical limitations, Sulla's current
(un)employment situation and my own predicament. I explained that we
have just about enough money to pay for the current bills (through the
middle of July) but that we were tapped...and without food. So, he told
me he would be able to get our family some gift cards to the grocery
store.

So, I just got $50 toward groceries! Yay! God is good!

Off to buy food for the house!

Day One-Hundred-Six...40 Days of Faith

2008-07-21T00:44:00.000-07:00

I came across this blog a few weeks ago. It's 40-Days of Faith. It was a journey of prayer and faith for the things that you want to see happen in your life. Because I came upon it late, I decided I would wait until the end to take part in the 40 days of faith.

So, here's the beginning of it. Each day, I'm going to paste the author's post and participate on my own.

So, here's the first one...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Welcome to 40 Days of Faith!

We'll start the official countdown tomorrow. Today is a warm-up day, sort of like when all the runners gather for a pasta dinner the night before the Boston Marathon.

This is an apt comparison, actually--as I discovered the first time I tried asking God for something that mattered to me each day for 40 days, this is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be times you want to give up, days where you couldn't care less, and moments when you think this might be the stupidest thing you've ever tried. It comes with the territory--this is hard, this thing we're doing, putting our hearts out there before God and asking him to make our dreams a reality. But, as Dr. Phil always says, "You can't argue with results..." I've seen amazing results in the times I've set aside to see what God might have to say about my hopes and desires, and I'm only one story out of dozens and dozens. Hard is often worth it; here's hoping this is one of those times!

By way of preparation, here's the basic shape of what we'll be doing.

First: Let's each ask ourselves, "What do I want Jesus to do for me?" If you're not sure about Jesus, that's totally fair. I include him here because he says some pretty astounding things about answering our prayers and giving us a new life that exceeds our expectations...I like the idea of taking him up on this offer. But if this is a new idea, feel free to to preface the question with, "If Jesus really is who he says he is in the Bible, what would I want him to do for me?"A note on this asking: be specific. Ask for something tangible, where you'll know whether or not your prayer has been answered. (For example, I knew exactly when Jesus answered my prayers for a husband. My prayer for a happier attitude towards cleaning the bathroom, on the other hand, is a little tougher to pin down).

Second: Let's consider fasting from something for these 40 Days. I talk about this idea of fasting a bit in my book, and how the Bible suggests it goes hand-in-hand with prayer. During my first 40 Days, I fasted from coffee. In subsequent years I've fasted from reading (which made trips to the hairdresser long as I stared out the window while my highlights foiled...), baked goods, or television. The idea here is that when we're craving coffee or sweets, or passing up the latest issue of People at the salon, we can offer this up to God. I find myself saying, "Lord, I want a husband more than I want caffeine/pop culture updates/dessert right now." Somehow this connects me to my real desires, because I can't escape into the lesser things I use to comfort or distract me.

Important Note: if an eating disorder has ever been a struggle for you, PLEASE don't fast from food. Ask God what your fast should be; he has lots of good ideas!

Third: Teamwork. Each day, I'll post three things on this blog: An inspirational story or passage, some thoughts on why it inspires me, and a song that bolsters my hope when it's flagging. By the end of this time together, not only will we have amazing stories of answered prayer, we'll have a playlist to commemorate this time...what could be better?Your part in this teamwork facet is to check in via the comments. Post a comment every day, letting us know how you're doing. It can be a reaction to the day's writing, an update on something specific, or a funny anecdote that happened that day. If you're losing hope, let us know. If your prayer is answered, let us know. We're in this together!

Okay, that's all for today. I'll see you tomorrow for Day 1. Until then, remember: "What is impossible with man is possible with God." (Luke 18:27) That pretty much covers everything, right?

(This would be a great time, by the way, to click on the comments and say, "I'm in!" If you want to share what you're praying for, great. If not, feel free to keep it private. But let us know you're on the team :))

Bring on the linguini!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ok, so...

1) What do I want Jesus to do for me?

This has always been a hard one for me to answer. I want a LOT of things, but I don't want to be greedy, you know? It has always felt like "if you build it, they will come" and I always want to do what God wants me to do. But, in this 40-Days of Faith, I think I'm going to strip down my inhibitions and just "present my requests to God" and watch them come to pass!

So, what do I want? Here's my list (or at least what I can think of at 12:00 in the morning!):

~ I want to get married.
~ I want to have children.
~ I want to be financially secure.
~ I want to buy a house.
~ I want to be out of debt.
~ I want to have a better attitude about myself. That includes about making sure I clean up after myself, keeping my attitude toward my worth higher, keeping my head up and my sense of esteem in Christ first and foremost in my mind.
~ I want to be completely healed from past hurts.
~ I want to make my relationship with the Lord first and foremost in my life.
~ I want to read my Bible daily.
~ I want to pray daily.
~ I want to meditate and hear from God daily.
~ I want to learn to hear His voice.

2) What am I going to fast these next 40 days?

ARGH! I hate this question. I never know exactly what to give up. I could say coffee, but in reality, I don't drink that much. I could say soda, but again, I don't really drink that much. Those wouldn't be much of a sacrifice. I could say beef...I could say chicken...I could say candy...again, not things I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT! So, Lord, what do I fast? Cooking and cleaning? Hee hee! I guess I'm just going to have to pray about this and seek the Lord's direction.

Sigh...

3) Teamwork...well, while I will be looking over the comments on the original blog, I will also make my own comments. If I find something that is interesting, I'll link to it.

An aside about teamwork: when I first read that this was going to be a "team sport", I first thought, "Yay! I won't be in this alone!" However, after blogging this far, I've come to the conclusion that I DO need to do this alone. This is MY 40 days with God. This is MY time to grow closer to Him. This is MY alone time with Him. And that's OK. Jesus was closest to God when He was alone in the desert. Many times, Jesus separated Himself from the crowd to go pray to His Father.

So, starting tonight, I'm going to ask the Lord what He would have me fast. It will have to be something significant, and something I can't replace with something else...otherwise, there is no sacrifice, right?

Day One-Hundred-Five...Trying to Move On

2008-07-18T23:07:00.000-07:00

Sigh...

Ok, so I MUST be a glutton for punishment. I accidentally went on Moob's blog (I hadn't removed it from my favorites and it's right below mine). I thought for sure I was over everything, but I'm not. She ABSOLUTELY blasted me and my family again. It's a very immature thing to do. She called me a selfish hag. She called my mom mentally ill (because of greed and the need to control her children) and insinuated that when my mom used the downstairs bathroom, it smelled like "unwashed fat-a$$". She called my dad weak for not standing up to my mother and preventing her from ruining her children. She said she had pictures of my unclean bathroom that she was going to plaster all over her blog, MySpace and ALL the dating sites I've ever gone to before or could possibly go to in the future. She said that my life would end up like it's always been: lonely, wasted, broke. And while I've always feared I'd not married and having no children, I'm never lonely. Even if I was the last person on earth, I'll NEVER be alone. My God and Savior is always with me. My friends (true friends) and family (real family) are always here with me. I'll never be broke because life isn't about money. And my life is never wasted as long as I'm doing God's will...and that's something she'll never understand. She had the chance to understand that, but she walked away from it.

And, you know, the really sad thing is that Moob had the opportunity to really get to know me and my family. She had the opportunity to become an integral member. She was my sister. My dad was her dad. My brother took Millyra out for a "date" because Millyra's dad was out of town for work for several months. At one time, Moob really liked my brother..."like"-liked! Ya...I was trying to get them together. But, Moob kept putting me off. She doesn't believe she deserves happiness. It's really sad...she DOES deserve happiness...she just won't allow herself to have joy.

I guess I've done everything I can do...someday we both will have to stand before God and give account for our actions. All I can do is make sure MY actions are above board.

Sigh...

God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, the wisdom to know the difference.

Day One-Hundred-Four...Interview

2008-07-17T12:10:00.001-07:00

I had an interview last night at about 7:00 pm. I was for a caregiving position for a soman about 1/4 miles away from where I live. I can walk to work! So, here's the stats:

~ Employer's name (well, not her real name): Francesca Romani

~ Location: 1/4 miles away

~ Pay: $10 an hour (all private pay!)

~ Time: 40+ hours a week

~ Job duties:

LOTS of transferring - from bed to wheelchair, from wheelchair to restroom, from restroom to chair, chair to car, car to pool, pool back to chair, chair back to car, car to wheelchair, wheelchair back to chair in the house...you get the point.

Shopping: I take Francesca to Costco for groceries

Transportation: We'll be going EVERYWHERE! Francesca has several rental properties in the area as we have to check up on those, we go to the pool, we go shopping...

Overall, I think it's going to be a good, rewarding job. It felt like a shoo-in, but I'd HATE to get my hopes up and then be disappointed. So, I'm going to continue looking for jobs until I hear for sure. If I DO get this job, I'll start the beginning of August, which isn't too far away. Only 15 days.

I've got a few emails out for nanny positions, too...

We'll see what happens...

Day One-Hundred-Three...Changes

2008-07-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

So, since I last blogged, there have been some significant changes in my life.

On the home front, that's changed! I'm now living back at home with my parents and my brother. We now have 4 people and 3 dogs in one house. It's pretty crowded, but it's good! There's a LOT more peace in my heart and my life right now that I've felt in a LONG time. Long story, short, Moob flipped out on me. I was out of town for a conference and, via text messaging, within a matter of 45 minutes, she went from, "Oh, sure, Cheyenne (my pooch) can stay overnight and Sulla can get her in the morning" and "have fun at your conference" to "I see the murmuring has continued" and "you're just a @#$!-ing %*&@" and "maybe me and mine need to find another place to live". I still have no idea what set her off...except for an arguement she had with Sulla about picking up some tools left out in the front yard after being used in the remodel. So, June 29th, I went to my conference, June 30th I had to come home, July 1st, I packed up most of my belongings and by July 2nd I was out of the house. Unfortunately, I still have to deal with Moob. She refused to turn over my cable, phone and internet belongings from the cable company. Supposedly a technician is coming over on Wednesday to that house and will collect the equipment, but I have NO idea what condition it will be in. Hopefully, she'll have SOME integrity and NOT damage the equipment, or else I'll have to end up paying over $500 to replace them. We'll see...

On the school front, that's changed, too. Because of all of this "boloney" at my house, I fell behind in my studies by a week. Now, normally this wouldn't be too much. I have my masters degree and THAT was an intense program. This is just an undergraduate degree in English, one of my favorite subjects. However...it is a literature class that has INTENSIVE reading...and DRY material. Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. That was a HARD book to wrap my head around. Anyway, these professors gave assignments in the VERY beginning. I was already late with one assignment because I had to move. There was NO way I could catch up and finish well. So, I emailed my advisor and filled her in on the details of my life. She told me that I would withdraw from classes and, because I was enrolled past the first 10 days of class, I would still be admitted to the program when I return in the fall. So, upon much prayer and petition, I decided to drop summer quarter and will return in the fall. I will continue with my classes and actually finish in the summer of 2009.

On the job front...well, that's different, too. I started a job as a nanny the end of June. But, I was let go on last Friday because they found someone to do it for free. I was sad, but I completely understood. They were paying me $200 a week. They could afford it, but if they found someone to watch Iris Burrows for free, you can't blame them. That's $200 they can use for something else. It's ok...I have an interview on Wednesday evening at 7:00 pm for a caregiver position about 1/4 mile from my house. It's for a woman with MS, 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, and all "private pay". It requires a lot of transfers, but I shouldn't have a problem doing that. I have training in Special Education and part of that was how to perform transfers to and from wheel-chairs. So, I'm excited about it. If you think about it, please pray for me on Wednesday evening at 7:00 pm.

On the construction front...well, the rooms were move-in ready, but not all of the details were completed. We got the big room nearly finished. The only thing we had left to do was put the trim on the walls and the threshhold where the carpet seams come together. We also didn't get to finish the detail painting. We didn't finish trim out the corners because we ran out of time (read that: Moob got her panties in a bunch and wigged out and was pushing for us to get things "functional"...her words, not mine). In the smaller room, Sulla went ALL OUT. Mungo Hamwich is a HUGE Seahawks fan. He plays junior football, even. So, Sulla decided to do a Seahawks theme: Seahawks blue paint on the trim, green paint on the outlet covers, a jersy-style door in which Mungo's name was at the top and the number 12 (signifying the 12th man on the team...it's a Seattle thing!) in the middle of the door. It looked AWESOME! However, after the blowup with Moob, she blogged a rant stating that because Sulla f@$%ed her drawings, Mungo HATED his room. We found out later, from Mungo himself, that he really liked the room.

Ok, I'm not going to spend a LOT of time responding to Moob's rant on her blog because it's really not worth my time and energy. I will say this: I do feel bad for Moob. She has become so bitter with her own life and with the person she has allowed herself to become, that the only way she can feel less miserable is to project the things she hates about herself onto other people, then blast them. And, while I do believe that when she gave her life to Christ, it was real. However, at some time, she allowed herself to be influenced by the lure of her past life. She began going down south and hanging out with her old friends, drinking, dancing and partying. She even decided to spend Mother's day down south instead of here...with her mother...and her daughter. Millyra preferred to spend Mother's day up here, with me, going to church, than with her mother.

Ok, I said I wouldn't spend a LOT of time responding, so, that's it. That's the last I'm going to say about the whole situation. If anyone wants to know the truth, they can email me and I'd be glad to answer any questions. But, I'm not going to blast anyone in this blog. That's not what it's for.

In other news, Sulla and I are considering buying a house together. We do well living together and, when we're both making full time incomes, we can really afford it. We have developed a knack and love for home improvement. Right now, we're getting ready to paint mom and dad's house, renovate the yard and clean up the inside of the house. If we buy a fixer-upper (not too much of a fixer), we can fix it up and rent it out if/when we decide to go our separate ways, keeping it as an asset. That would be VERY cool!

Well, I think that's pretty much all I have to say right now. I'm getting tired and I need to get up and start cleaning. The kitchen is a MESS right now! It'll get done by the end of the week, though.

G'nite!

Day One-Hundred-Two...Peeved

2008-06-28T23:24:00.001-07:00

So, the old story goes:

~ Boy meets girl.
~ Girl gets to know boy a little.
~ Girl seems to get along well with boy.
~ Boy seems to look past much of the "negative" things about girl.
~ Girl is pleased.
~ Girl keeps talking with boy about many things.
~ Boy and girl seem to have much in common.
~ Boy mentions that girl's size is not a dealbreaker.
~ Girl makes fatal mistake of mentioning her dealbreakers.
~ Boy then becomes shark-faced jerk and tells girl that "the deal has been broken".
~ Girl confronts boy about mean and rude comments.
~ Boy gets meaner and meaner.
~ Girl is glad boy doesn't know where she lives.
~ Boy respones in a mean-spirited tone, saying he is just indifferent.
~ Girl explains that is no reason for being mean.
~ Girl tries to tell boy that her feelings were hurt.
~ Boy doesn't give a rip.
~ Boy goes into a sob story about being kicked out of the home he has shared with his brother for the last 16 years, and that girl and boy "not working out" is the least of his worries right now.
~ Girl, again, reminds him that is no excuse for being mean.
~ Boy laughs at girl.
~ Girls feeings are hurt even deeper.
~ Boy seemed like a nice guy...even complementing girl on her smile and making her feel good about herself.
~ Boy, was girl wrong!
~ Boy told girl to leave him alone.
~ Girl reminded boy that he was the one that initiated conversation, not girl.
~ Girl told boy that if he would stop writing, trying to defend his rude behavior, girl would have nothing to bother him about.
~ Boy said, "Ok, seriously...stop writing to me".
~ Girl blocked him.
~ Girl is really fed up with boys starting out seeming like gentlemen and turning into jerks.
~ Girl was really surprised, and excited, to get to know someone who really saw beyond all her imperfections.
~ Girl even told brother about boy and how good she felt about getting to know boy.
~ Girl shouldn't be this sad over it. After all, girl only knew boy through MySpace and for only a few days.
~ Girl, still, is sad.
~ Girls feelings are hurt.
~ Girl is doubting herself again.
~ Girl had stopped "looking" for a mate and boy just popped into her inbox.
~ Girl hadn't been on a dating site for months!
~ Girl was starting to be content with where she was.
~ Girl has gone back to school.
~ Girl is a nanny.
~ Girl was just coming to the point where it was OK to be where she was.
~ Boy really put a ripple in that pond.
~ Girl now has a date with Roomie to go dancing with new boys.
~ Girl, right now, doesn't care what boys they are.
~ Girl just wants to have some fun for a change.
~ Girl just wants to be Girl for now.
~ Girl wants to love, be loved, be in love, sure, but girl also wants to have a bit of fun before she's too old to have any.
~ Girl is losing hope.
~ Girl is very emotional right now.
~ Girl is starting to wonder what will become of her. Will she end up a "cat lady" with no cats?
~ Girl doesn't particularly like cats as pets.
~ Girl doesn't want to end up old and alone.
~ Girl wants to have a husband and children.
~ Girl isn't sure that's really ever going to happen.
~ Girl really is just stupid for being this upset over boy...especially since girl hardly knew boy.
~ Girl is just dumb.
~ Girl needs to get a life.
~ Girl needs to get out and meet people.
~ Girl is going with Roomie down south in a few weeks to have a blast...hopefully.
~ Boy has no idea how much words can cut deeply.
~ Girl feels really bad right now.
~ Girl is going to go to sleep and hopefully wake up feeling better.

Day One-Hundred-One...I Fell Asleep!

2008-06-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

I've been quite tired the last few weeks with the remodeling going on. Then, last night, Moob and Orangeblossom came home just as I was going to head to bed. Well, we hadn't talked all day, so I thought I'd stay up a little and catch up with them. An hour-and-a-half later, I finally went to bed...about 12:30. Mind you, that would be fine if I were on summer break. Wait, I AM on summer break, but I'm working. I get to hang out with Iris Burrows this summer! She's totally awesome, but that's another post.

So, I had to get up at 6:30 so I could be to Iris's house by 7:30 or so to get her to a class. I did. Her class is an hour long. I went up to the parking lot of QFC and started reading. I set my alarm to go off at 8:45 so I'd have 15 minutes to get back and pick her up. Well...I fell asleep reading Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway. It's a hard book to follow, so it took a LOT of brain power. So, like I said, I fell asleep.

Needless to say, I over slept! I woke myself up at 9:30! I was 30 minutes late getting Iris at school! ARGH! Fortunately, she had somewhere safe to stay. We now have each others cell numbers if something happens again. I pray it won't, but just in case!

So, tonight, I'm going to bed early! I need to catch up on my ZZZ's!

Day One Hundred...And Then, Rejected

2008-06-18T21:18:00.001-07:00

So, I lost my job. Three and a half days before the end of the year. I stayed home several times due to genuine migraines and didn't get my doctor's notes in on time, so the HR woman fired me.

I was having fun...

Sigh...

At least I have the Nanny job for the summer. And, possibly some student loans I can live on.

We'll see...

Shreck...

2008-06-17T08:52:00.001-07:00

...THE MUSICAL! Yes, I just heard about it! It's coming to the Seattle 5th ave theater in August! I may have to take Millyra and Iris Burrows.

That'd be hilarious!

Day Niney-Nine...I Got Accepted!

2008-06-13T19:27:00.001-07:00

I'm going back to school! Yes, yes I am! I'm getting a second BA in English, as well as my endorsement in English/Language Arts. So, hopefully, I'll be starting classes on June 23rd. Maybe. I was admitted on a "late admit", so I'm not sure if I'll start on the first day or not. I hope I do.

I'm hoping to take 2 classes on campus, and one online. The online will be Spanish. It's an immersion class. It'll be cool! The on-campus classes will be American Literature: Contemporary America and Special Studies in Literature: The Perils of Presence.

In the fall, I should be taking a full load in the evenings...I havent' quite figured out which ones I'm going to take. I have the option to take the following classes:

COMM 340 History of Mass Communication
COMM 201 Introduction to Communication I
COMM 202 Introduction to Communication II
ENGL 302 Critical Practice
ENGL 333 English Novel - Early and Middle 19t Century
ENGL 330 English Literature - The Romantic Age
ENGL 352 American Literature - The Early Nation
ENGL 353 American Literature - Later Nineteenth Century

For the Winter and Spring, I have the choice of the following classes:

Intro to Linguistic Thought
American Literatyre - The Colonial Period
American Literature - Later Nineteenth Century
Women Writers
The Composition Process
Reading Major Texts
Traditions in American Fiction
Rise of the English Novel
Early Novel: Early and Middle 19th Century
American Literatyre - Contemporary America
History of Film: 1960 - Present
Senior Seminar
Elementary Spanish II

I only have to take a total of 45 credits. So, that means with the 15 credits I'm taking, I only have to be in school for 3 quarters, meaning I'll graduate in Winter of 2008.

But, I may just continue through Spring and get a few extra credits. We'll see. I do want to take 2 years of Spanish. That would be very cool...

Day Ninety-Eight...I Can Get Cable!

2008-06-09T22:59:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I already have cable, but the title is in reference to a commercial that was on several years ago in which a girl gets a phone call from an employer offering her a job. While the employer is describing the job and benefits, you hear the girl's inner-voice saying "I got the job, I got the job! Who got the job? I got the job! I can move out of my parents' house. I can get a cat. Awww...I can get cable!"

So...

I got the job! I got the job! Who got the job? I got the job! The Nanny job for the summer, that is! I have yet to hear about the teaching jobs. And, while I don't live with my parents, I don't want a cat and I already have cable, I can do some things with the extra money I'll be earning...like get out of debt, have my truck serviced and the AC fixed, and get my teaching certificate replaced and add my Deaf-Ed endorsement added at the same time. I'll be MUCH better off this way.

And, I just made my first play-date! My girlfriend has a membership to the zoo! She can get herself, her 4 year old and 1 other child in for free. Everyone else is half-price! I'm so excited. It'll be like being a real mom...only I get paid!

Hmmm...gotta make more names...brb

~ Iris Burrows...that is my summer charge.
~ Rosie-Posie Bramble of Willowbottom: my girlfriend from down south who is moving up north.
~ Peony Brockhouse of Loamsdown: Rosie-Posie's daughter.

Ok, so Rosie-Posie Bramble has the zoo membership. She can get Iris Burrows, Peony Brockhouse and herself in for free. Then if Moob agrees, I could get Millyra in for half price and myself for half price. That'd be WAY cool! Take a backpack with lunches, walk the zoo, eat, walk the rest of the zoo! How cool would that be!

In other news, I went back to the podiatrist. On July 1, I get custom made orthodics for my shoes. I have fallen arches in both feet, as well as tendonitis. I mentioned it earlier. My doctor also said that, although this issue happens to skinny people, too, if I lost a significant amount of weight, it would be very beneficial. I told him I was thinking about LapBand surgery and he totally agreed that I should explore that as an option. He even offered to write a letter of support and medical necessity. That should be transcribed and mailed to my house this week.

And, speaking of LapBand, my family and I are going to an informational meeting tomorrow evening to find more out about the procedure, etc. It should be interesting. I'll have to look again, but I believe that according to the surgical center's website, my insurance has historically paid for some or all of the procedure. If that's the case, I am SO jumping on that. I don't care if others think it's a crutch, a cop-out, the "easy way out", a temporary fix, the cheater's way, or any other negative perspective. I've tried and tried and tried to lose weight, but can't seem to get it under control. I told Moob the other day I've been on Weight Watchers about 6 times since I was 15 and lost 50 pounds about 10 times. So, I think this will be a good thing for me.

Well, I think that's all for now. Its already nearly 2 hours past my bedtime. Who knew at 32, I'd have a bed time...and it would be early! Heh!

Day Ninety-Seven...I Can't Sleep!

2008-06-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

So, I thought I'd write down some of the things on my mind so hopefully I'll get tired and go to sleep...sincei have to be up at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow for work!

1) I have an interview for a summer Nanny/Companion/Tutor job about 15 minutes away from my house. It will be for an 11-year old girl who loves swimming. tennis, horse-back riding and other activities. In fact, the family owns horses that they board up north. Part of my job will be to drive her there a few days a week to ride. She's also dyslexic. She has school during the summer for about an hour, and also some reading homework to do so she doesn't regress (lose the progress she's made already), but other than that, it's an open day for her. It will be perfect for both of us. I may even be able to take Millyra with me and the two of them can play together...or we can all go to the zoo or aquarium or park or...wherever Millyra has come up with for our "to-do" list!

So, I'm meeting with the mother and daughter...and possibly her father...tomorrow at 6. I'm not at all nervous...except for when they see my size. Many people assume that because I'm fat, I'm not active. I am active as muc as I can be. And, since I've gotten my sleeping more under control, I have a LOT more energy to do things. Ayway, that's kinda concerning me. I did tell her I was overweight, but I belonged to the Y and am trying to lose some weight.

2) I only have 2 more weeks of school left. I have Monday through Friday of this week, then Monday through half of Friday next week. Then it's SUMMER BREAK! I'm so excited! And, even though I have to work, I get to choose the job because I get my salary through August.

3) I sent a thank-you card to the princpal with whom I interviewed last week...for the ASL job. I really want to stand out.

4) The second ASL job closes tomorrow. It's also a .8 FTE at a different high school. I would take that one if they offered it to me.

5) I REALLY want the DHH job. I've been "obsessing" about it since the day I saw it posted. It's hard to not get my hopes up...I'm a realist, but I'm also full of self-doubt when it comes to my abilities.

6) I'm really concerned about Dilibririth. I've been researching the Lap Band weight loss surgery. I have her almost convinved to do it. We're actually all going to an informational seminar on Tuesday to learn more about it.

7) I'm kinda hungry...

8) I'm getting sleepy...

9) Veeeeeeeery sleepy...

10) G'nite!

Day Ninety-Six...The Chance of a Lifetime

2008-06-04T23:05:00.000-07:00

So, as some of you know, I've been trying to get into a teaching job at a specific district here in the area. In fact, it's the same district in which I attended 4th through 12th grade. I graduated from this district and would LOVE...translation - it is my DREAM GOAL - to teach in the same district. What an amazing story...to come full-circle like that! Anyway, tomorrow I have my first opportunity. I'm interviewing for an ASL position at my former high school. Now wouldn't THAT be cool! I'd be teaching alongside some of my former teachers! What a trip! *Squeaking with delight* Yes, tomorrow I have an interview at 9am. And you wonder why I'm still up, not fast asleep? Because I'm SO nervous. I've had such crappy experiences thus far, I don't have the tools I need to be confident and to assert that I AM a good teacher. My track record says I'm not all that good. And sure, I'm not all that experienced, but I am good at what I do. I haven't gotten that one great opportunity to show what I can do without bashing my head into the wall.

Sigh...

So, I hope this is my foot in the door. It's only a .8 FTE (80% of a full time employee), but because of my masters degree and my experience, I am not starting out at base salary. So, I can survive quite well on 80% of my starting salary. In fact, I'll be making about $500 more a month than I'm making now.

And, if THIS position isn't my foot in the door, then I have 2 other opportunities. There's another .8 ASL position at another high school. I'd like that one, too. It's not quite as nice as my high school, but at least it's in the district.

But...

The one I REALLY want...

Is the full-time Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing teacher at the K-8 school where I did my internship in 2005. I would LOVE that job. I already know the principal, the program, the program manager, the students, the other teachers, the Interpreters, and the school...it would be a PERFECT FIT! Ultimately, that's where I want to work.

Sigh...

That job closes on June 11, I think. I'm going to mail a letter to the principal there and let her know I'm very interested. I'll do some name-dropping and see where it gets me.

Sigh...

In other news...

I'm going to Monmouth, OR on Saturday. I have a workshop I'm going to attend. It's about Assessment Tools in the ASL classroom. It'll be VERY informative. I'm also going to a 3-day workshop in the south-end in August. That'll be a thorough training on how to use the Master ASL curriculum. It's free to me because I'm part of the ASL Consortium. I'm working on getting my curriculum approved so that the students who earn a B or better in my high school class can get college credit to satisfy foreign language requirements or pre-req classes if they want to go into a Deafness-related career. Anyway, these 2 conferences/workshops should help me plan for next year, provided I get either of the ASL jobs.

So, right now, my career is very up-in-the-air feeling right now. I have paychecks through August and benefits through September, but after that...

Sigh...

I'll keep y'all posted!

Too Funny!

2008-05-31T20:35:00.000-07:00

Day Ninety-Five...An Interview

2008-05-30T17:19:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get on as a teacher a certain school district since I graduated in 2005. I even got my my masters degree in order to teach in the DHH program there. Well, that possibility is finally here. I have an interview with them for an ASL position on Thursday, June 5th at 9 am.

I REALLY want this job! But, as I've always said, I want what God wants more. So, if it's His will for me is to have it, GREAT! If not, yes, I'll be sad, but, I'll be content because I know He has something greater for me.

Sigh...

I still want it VERY, VERY VVVVVVEEEEERRRRYYYY much!

The Definition of Atheism:

2008-05-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

The belief that there was

nothing

and

nothing

happened to

nothing

and then

nothing

magically exploded

for no reason,

creating

everything

and then a bunch of

everything

magically rearranged itself,

for no reason whatsoever,

into self-replicating bits which then turned into

dinosaurs.

Makes PERFECT sense.

Day Ninety-Five...Back to Work Tomorrow

2008-05-27T20:31:00.001-07:00

So, here's the update on my job situation. I had my meeting with HR and my union rep last Monday. The principal didn't want me back. That stung. But, I did hear from my department head that he never wanted an ASL program at the high school in the first place. Figures. But, the district wanted to honor the contract we had, so the HR woman said I would be working with a current district teacher in a self-contained special education classroom. That way, I would still get my salary (just a little less than my normal salary because of all the unpaid time off) through the end of August and benefits through the end of September. Well, I was SUPPOSED to hear from her last week Tuesday afternoon. She was SUPPOSED to find a job for me for last week Wednesday. She didn't. I had to cancel substitute jobs for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday because she told me I would go back to work on Wednesday. I didn't.

I heard from her today. I'm going to a middle school in north Renton. Which is OK with me. I won't get off as early as I did at the high school, but not as late as the elementary schools. So, I start tomorrow at 10am. I meet with the principal at the school at 10am. Then, I imagine I start working that day. Maybe, I'll just meet the principal and the teacher, get to see the kids and then start working on Thursday. That'd be cool.

On the home front, I've been sleeping with my mask now for about a week and I can definitely tell a difference. I have WAY the heck more energy than I've EVER had. In fact, I got up the other day and worked for about 3 hours with Grey Cloak in the new bedrooms, taping and mudding. I've NEVER done that before. I give out after about 30 minutes because I'm JUST exhausted. It's been hard to just get up and go to work every day. Now, I'm actually excited to go back to work and see how much more I can accomplish with the new energy.

Speaking of the new bedrooms, we're almost done. The walls are up. The floor is down. The windows are in. Nearly all the seams have been taped and mudded. Moob and I are planning to finish up the taping and mudding this week so we can sand and texture this weekend. Then, once the texturing is done and dried (about 2-3 days), we can paint. Once that is dried, we can lay the carpet and move Olorin downstairs. Then, we can paint the upstairs room that Olorin was in so Moob can move in there. Then, we can paint Moob's old room so the new roomie can move in.

Hmmm...I have to give her and her son names.

Brb...

Orangeblossom Bulge of Great Smials (new roomie)

and

Mungo Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern (new roomie's son)

Fitting...for both of them! Hee hee!

Ok, so once Orangeblossom and Mungo move in, we'll have 4 adults, 2 kids, 1 kid-to-be, 3 dogs, 2 cats and 2 turtles. Whew! That's a houseful! But, it'll be SO much fun!

More Fun Stuff

2008-05-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:
(father & mother's middle name)

Michael Joyce

2. NASCAR NAME:
(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)

Melvin Willard

3. STAR WARS NAME:
(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)

WheJe

4. DETECTIVE NAME:
(favorite color, favorite animal)

Purple Jaguar

5. SOAP OPERA NAME:
(middle name, county where you were born)

Michelle Seattle

6. SUPERHERO NAME:
(2nd favorite color, favorite drink, add 'THE' to the beginning)

The Blue Macchiatto

7. FLY NAME:
(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 3 letters of your last name)

JeWhe

8. GANGSTA NAME:
(favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)

Reeses Chocolate Chip

9. ROCK STAR NAME:
(current pet's name, current street name)

Cheyenne Washington

10. STRIPPER NAME:
(name of your favorite perfume/cologne, favorite candy)

Velocity Riesen

What We Gonna Do Tonight, Brain?

2008-05-24T19:43:00.001-07:00

This one's for DAN!

Day Ninety-Four...The Result

2008-05-21T00:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I didn't sleep very well last night. I kept waking up with my mask vibrating against my face. I had to adjust it several times during the night, so, I didn't wake up feeling all that rested. I did notice a few differences, though:

1) When I did sleep, I slept well. I remember having a couple dreams, too. That usually doesn't happen!

2) When I got up at 5:30 to pee, I wasn't just exhausted, even after only 6 hours of sleep. If I had wanted to, I could have stayed up and had a very full day.

3) When I got in the shower, I didn't want to go back to sleep. Usually, once the water hits me, I have to force myself to stay moving so I stay awake.

4) Although I was tired today from shopping and being on my feet too long, I didn't have that exhaustion I usually feel. Yes, I'm tired, but it's midnight...I SHOULD be tired!

So far, that's it. So, although it's no magic pill, I really believe that after I get the kinks worked out, once I'm accustomed to wearing the mask and sleeping in new positions to not make the mask fart, it will really help.

Luuuuuuuuuke...

2008-05-19T23:05:00.000-07:00

Today, I got my CPAP machine. For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnea. That means that I stop breathing for 10 seconds or more several times a night. Now, everyone hold your breath for 10 seconds. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10. And breathe. Ok, not so bad. You could probably go longer. And be just fine. But suppose I woke you up several times during the night to do that. Say, over 200 times to be exact. You'd never get any sleep. Well, that's what happens to be. I don't necessarily fully wake up to hold my breath, but my sleep is disturbed over 200 times...and that was just in the 6 hour test period. In a normal 8 hour period of sleep, I don't breathe for a minimum of 50 minutes. Basically, I fall asleep, hod my breath, wake up enough to breathe, fall back to sleep, wait 45 seconds, hold my breath again, wake up to breathe, fall back to sleep and do it all over again...200 times. I'm sorry I keep emphasizing that but, WOW, that's a LOT of times. It's no wonder I'm exhausted all the time!

So, fast forward to today. I got my breathing machine. In fact, I'm lying here in bed with a mask on my face that totally makes me feel like Darth Vader! Lol! It's kinda weird, but at the same time, I have mentally prepared myself to sleep with it. And, really, the only problem I foresee is learning not to roll over without adjusting my hose. Well, that and making out in bed, but we'll jump off that bridge when we come to it. That's not an IMMEDIATE concern! Hee hee!

So, tonight is the first night I'll have this mask. If I'm like most people, I'll feel better right away. Not 100% better, but improved. If I'm like my dad, it'll take a while to notice a difference. This is the one thing I HOPE and PRAY he DIDN'T pass on to me. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Day Ninety-Four...Still Employed (Kinda)

2008-05-19T18:39:00.001-07:00

Well, I met with the HR woman, the Employee Relations woman and my union rep (who is JUST AMAZING! She's awesome!) today about my job. Just a snapshot, I was off for Spring Break the 1st week of April, then I got sick the 2nd, 3rd and 4th week of April. I had BAD bronchitis, on the verge of pneumonia. I was literally on bedrest for 3 weeks. My doctor finally released me back to work on April 28th. Well, I got notice that I was put on administrative leave, pending their findings on a few "issues" they had with me and my classroom management. For more info on those things, keep reading my other posts. Anyway, i met with the HR woman, the Employee Relations woman, my union rep and the principal and they threw some things at me, let me "respond"...my responses were very orchestrated...like in court when the lawyer asks a question that is a yes/no question, but the witness/defendant attempts to explain themselves and the lawyer cuts them off or questions them in such a way as to make them look bad. That's what it felt like anyway.

Fast forward to today. I met with those above...except the principal. But the principal didn't want me back at the high school. He, through the Employee Relations woman, said that there was not enough time between now and the end of the year to fix the issues. He said that there were many students, specifically my seniors, who were still very concerned about graduating because they didn't get any feedback and/or grades. He said that he found my files with their graded and returned papers, but that there were several papers with "good job" but no feed back or grades. Well, duh! Those are the papers that if you did them, you got credit and if you didn't you didn't. It wasn't a graded assignment.

He also didn't think that there was enough time to train me to improve my classroom management skills for secondary classrooms. (uh, sir,...it's the STUDENTS! NOT THE TEACHER!)

However, despite the fact that the principal didn't want me back, the district decided they would honor the contract. But, I will not be back teaching ASL at the high school. Instead, I will be a Teaching Assistant in a self-contained Special Education classroom. I will still get my teacher's salary...and will be paid through the end of August. In addition, I will continue with my benefits through the end of September, which is long enough for me to secure another teaching job and continue my benefits elsewhere. And, because I was sick for 3 weeks, rather than taking ALL of that out of my May 30 paycheck, the payroll department and the HR department re-calculated my contract so that the "sting" will be spread out through the next 4 months. Meaning, I will get a little less than my usual teaching salary each month, but it will be a consistent amount at the end of May, June, July and August. So, financially, I will be OK. Especially if I get the job for which I interviewed down in Vancouver.

And, I don't have to work this summer. I CAN work, but I don't HAVE to work. I might work part time...it depends. I just want to get through the end of the year right now. I have 5 weeks left until the last day of school. I can do it. And, this rearranging of my contract is a blessing. I can go to work, come home and not have to worry about lesson plans. I don't have to worry about being prepared as much as I would have with my previous assignment. It's quite relieving not having to worry about it. I will have to clear out my classroom of my personal belongings, but I'm going to do that on Thursday at 2:30...after students are gone. I get to bring my chair home! It's kinda cool!

Anyway, now I can go camping and not have to worry about taking time off a new job. YAY! I won't be able to go to Joyce Meyer with Moob on the 30th, but a small sacrifice for the bigger picture. As much as I would LOVE to go, I just can't.

So, that's the story in a nutshell. God has shown me grace and mercy in this situation and I have to be SO much more responsible. I can't stay home on too many "mental health" days. I can't blow my money with the idea that I'll get another paycheck at the end of the month. I can't spend any money until I know all of my bills are taken care of. I can't eat out. I can't just throw money away.

I hope that this situation won't ruin my chances of getting a teaching job for next year.

On a different note, I've applied to the University of Washington for Summer Quarter. I have been thinking (for quite some time) of going back to college and getting 1 more endorsement: English/Language Arts. It would open up so many more options for me. I could teach middle or high school English in addition to Elementary School, Special Ed and Deaf Ed. So, I would have 4 endorsements, plus subbing I could do. I was initially just going to pursue the additional endorsement...until I found out that as a non-matriculated student (that's the fancy way of saying I'm not pursuing an actual degree), I wouldn't qualify for federal financial aid. So.......I looked into what it would take as far as time and credits to complete another degree. I was thinking of a Masters in English, but I thought, nah, I already have a Masters degree. It was quite intense work. So, I looked into a Bachelors in English. If I can transfer all of my credits from the community college under the Direct Transfer Agreement or something like it, I should be able to JUST concentrate on the classes for my major. I can incorporate the courses I need for the endorsement AND the degree. So...I should come out WAY ahead. Now, I just have to figure out how to pay for it. Hopefully, I'll qualify for financial aid OTHER than loans. If not, I may not do it.

Sigh...

Going to make a box for a birthday gift.

Late...

2008-05-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

It's now 11:02 and I'm still in the waiting room.

Sigh...

Truth Time...

2008-05-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

I have an appointment at 11:00 with HR and my Principal and my Union Rep to see if I still have a job. I'm waiting in the waiting area in the district office.

I'm not nervous at all. Whatever happens, happens and I know I'll be alright. Either way, God will take care of me and those who depend on me.

Day Ninety-Three...Many Things On My Mind

2008-05-14T01:21:00.001-07:00

1) Tomorrow, the 14th, Millyra goes away to 5th grade camp for 3 days. I'm a little weirded out by my feelings about it. She's not my birth child, but...I'm feeling a little weird about not havng her around for 3 days. I'm already thinking about her coming home with wonderful stories. I miss her already...and she's not even gone yet! Strange!

2) I still haven't heard from the district about my job. It's been a week and a half since I was given the all-clear by my doctor to return to work. The district seems to be dragging their feet. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE the fact that I'm on paid leave. But, my kids, unless they've found a sub who knows ASL, are missing out on their education.

3) I had an interview today at a private school for the deaf near my home (about 25 minutes south of where I live). It was an awkward interview. Well, actually, the interview went VERY well. It's for a Teacher of the Deaf position, but it's in a Signed Exact English program, whereas most my my adult experience and education is from an ASL program. So, part of me felt like a "traitor to the cause", but the majorty of me felt good about the possibilities it opens for me. It will allow me to work with professionals in the field. It will allow me to gain another year experience. It's a paycheck! And, the school is small enough that the administration are deeply involved in th3e classrooms...I like that. They'd like to make a decision by the end of this month.

4) Moob and I worked out for 75 minutes today. We rode 15 minutes on the stationary bike, walked 30 minutes on the treadmill, and did the weight circuit for 30 minutes. I don't hurt, but by ab muscles are a little unhappy with me.

5) I suck at managing my money. First, I mixed up the bank cards between my personal account and the household account, so I spent my $75 of grocery money on mother's day gifts and last minute ingredients for dinner. Second, I've been off work for going on 5 weeks, 3 of which were unpaid. I'm not sure, but I think I'll have a VERY tiny paycheck at the end of this month. I don't know if I'll have enough to pay my rent. I can call payroll tomorrow and find out. I MIGHT get the economic stimulus payment on Friday, but I don't know if I qualify for sure. If I get it, that will be a minimum of $300. I hope I get the $600.

6) I ran over someone's chihuahua today. On my way to the interview, I was on the highway, cruising at about 45 miles an hour with lots of traffic, when, literally out of no-where, this little chihuahua comes BOLTING onto the highway. I had seconds to react. I slammed on my breaks in an effort to avoid him, but looked back and realized the dude behind me was going to hit me. I couldn't afford that (though I'm insured, I can't be without a vehicle for work...when I go back). So, I let off the break and swerved my best to avoid a hit from both ends...but the dog was running at an angle. I busted right over him...it made me sick. It still makes me sick...

7) I should be in bed sleeping right now (1:15 am), but, of course, I can't sleep. I could have been in bed by 9 or so...well, even when Moob went to bed (11:00), I could have gone at the same time. But, instead, I watched a little TV, came up to bed and have been laying here for an hour. I'm tired, but every time I close my eyes, my mind starts to race.

8) Moob and I are scheduled to work out again tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it on one hand. But on the other (I'm still awake at 1:15 in the morning) hand, I'm dreading it. Maybe we can go later in the day...that might help.

9) I've applied for Financial Aid with the government. I submitted my FAFSA yesterday and it was processed today. My Expected Family Contribution is $0.00! That's awesome! Now, I just have to figure out how to apply for aid through the college. Generally, non-matriculated (not pursuing a degree) students don't get financial aid. So, I have an email in to the financial aid office. The deadline for summer application is May 15, so...

10) I think I'm done...

Day Ninety-Two...

2008-05-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

Day Ninety-One...Mother's Day

2008-05-12T02:19:00.000-07:00

I'm so thankful for my mom. We've grown so close over the last several years...we're AMAZING friends. It's been fun watching our relationship go from parent:child to woman:woman. We can confide anything to each other...and do! I'm so blessed...

So, for mother's day, I cooked dinner. I had a london broil marinading overnight. It was SO yummy! The marinade was from www.allrecipes.com...my new favorite cooking website. Anyway, the marinade was vegetable oil, balsamic vinegar, worcesterchire sauce, soy sauce, lemon juice, thyme, basil, oregano and dijon mustard. By the time I whisked everything together, it came out about the consistency of brown gravy. I put the meat in 2 zipper bags with the marinade, then put the bags in the fridge overnight. Man, oh, man, was that yummy! The only thing I did "wrong" (according the Sulla, our resident trained chef) was throwing the marinade out and not reducing it to make a sauce to go over the beef. However, he said it was perfect!

Then, for side dishes, I made baked fanned potatoes. I cut the potatoes about every 1/4 inch or so, but not all the way through. I used 2 of my wooden spoons as a knife guide. Then I fanned them out on a baking sheet. I sprinkled them with italian seasoning, sea salt and melted butter. Then, I baked them at 450 degrees for 50 minutes. Then, while the recipe called for cheddar, I added mozzarella, parmesan and parsley, sprinkling that mixture and finishing the baking process for another 15 minutes. A culinary masterpiece with a dollop of sour cream. Again, Sulla said they were perfect.

For veggies, we had a typical salad. I also cooked carrots and pearl onions in the frozen section with which I lightly tossed butter, lemon juice, salt and dill. Mmm...mmm...grubbin'!

I also cooked biscuits...just plain 'ol biscuits...directly from the can. Heh!

Finally, for dessert, I must confess. I made 2 desserts because I am so indecisive. It hurst my brain to decide what undies I'm going to wear with an outfit! So, I choose a peanut butter bar and a "7-layer" bar that actually only had 5 layers...hmmm...

And, again, Sulla, the trained, experienced expert in the field, told me everything was BRILLIANT! Oh, he didn't actually say it...but he MEANT it!

And Dilibririth, my mommy, loved it!

She gave me the best compliment. She saod, "You have become such a good cook". Now, I've never had confidence flowing out my pores, so to hear that my whole family, including the one who is trained to do things like this, approved...even said it was PERFECT!

Then came the coffee. Dilibririth and I had some coffee after dinner, and after the boys left and the dishes were done,to settle our tummies. It was quite good.

Also, today was a day I felt validated...

I've wanted to have children for a LONG time. Well, this morning, my pastor wanted to honor all mothers in the room. He made all of us women who were 21 and older stand up because, "[you] may not have any birth children, but [you're] mothering someone."

Wow...what a way to have your feelings acknowledged and validated. I got a flower and a chocolate bar for mother's day!

Day Ninety...More Bitter than Sweet

2008-05-11T01:57:00.000-07:00

Grey Cloak, my dad, is the most amazing man I know. He has such a gentle, gracious, giving, peace-making spirit...

Back in November, Grey Cloak invited a young man from his work, Angarator, and his 6-year old son, Findecano, to come stay in their spare bedroom until they could get back on their feet. Angarator is an addict who had just gotten out of rehab. Well, this arrangement went very well for the first month or so. Well, really through December 31st when Angarator was arrested on a probation violation and thrown into jail for 3 weeks. My parents watched Findecano for those 3 weeks. Angarator used my phone to make collect calls to keep in touch with his son. He finally got out and, again, was doing well. Then he started not coming home on Friday nights after work, leaving Findecano with my folks or brother. He'd shut off his phone so he wouldn't be bothered. He wouldn't return phone calls. Nothing.

When he was confronted, he confessed what he had done and promised not to do it again. He started to earn a little trust back. Well, my brother loaned him some gas money by letting him use his debit card at the bank. Well, Angarator stole nearly $300 from my brother. We also suspect he stole $250 from my mother's purse, not to mention the times he's promised to turn over most, if not all, his pay on Fridays.

Well, during all this time, we have seen Findecano change...from good to bad. He's 6. He's still very impressionable...and he's smart. He knows what's going on, though he can't put words to it, yet. During the time Angarator was in jail, Findecano did SO well. He was choosing to behave rather than acting up. He was being very good. As soon as dad came back from jail, that all changed. He started lying and stealing. He started sassing back. He started having the most ROTTEN, back-talking attitude.

Angarator has been given chance, upon chance, upon chance. Each time, he has thumbed his nose at Grey Cloak. Grey Cloak has done everything possible...including offering (at 54 years old) to go take the classes to become a foster parent again for Findecano, while Angarator was in treatment (he fell off the wagon several times). Angarator, being as selfish as he is, refused.

Chance after chance, time after time, Grey Cloak has wanted to give Angarator the benefit of the doubt. Had Findecano not been in the picture, I truly believe Angarator would have been out long ago. But, how could he send a 6-year old out to live in a car? He couldn't. Sulla and Dilibririth couldn't quite see that. Grey Cloak was between a rock and a hard place. But, he did the best he could.

So, fast forward to last night. Angarator had told Grey Cloak that he'd be back Friday night around 11:30 or so...which came and went. Then, he called and said he'd be home by noon...which also came and went. Finally, he called and said he'd be there by 6:30...which ALSO came...and...went. Meanwhile, we have his child. He left his child overnight without arranging it previously. Well, Grey Cloak decided that he'd had enough and told him on the phone several times that he needed to be home asap.

... ... ...

Of course, he took his sweet time getting home. He didn't show up until nearly 3 hours AFTER he told Grey Cloak he'd be there.

Now, the part I'm sad about is the fact that Findecano had to get mixed up in all this. He's only a boy...he deserves so much better, so much more, so much more unconditional love and parenting than Angarator can give him.

I also see that Angarator gets a child he doesn't really want while I am stuck here childless, wanting the children I can't have.

... ... ...

Sigh

So, Findecano is in God's hands now, wherever he is, protecting him, loving him, nurturing him, ready to come running when he realizes he can't do it himself.

I wish I could see that day...among others...

Day Eighty-Nine...Sigh

2008-05-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

So, as directed, I contacted the HR department on Friday to see if I had a job on Monday. I actually called early the morning, I heard nothing. So, I emailed the about noon. Again, I heard nothing. So, called the principal about 3:30, left a message, then heard nothing. Finally, I emailed everyone again at 3:30. About 15 minutes later, I heard back and the HR woman said that they would be working this weekend and would let me know what to do come Monday. She instructed me that I am NOT to come to work until I hear affirmatively that I am to return to work.

Sigh...

Kinda weird, but, whatever! Until then, I'm on paid administrative leave...I get a paid vacation.

I'm running out of things to do...

Except cleaning my room...I could do that :-D

Day Eighty-Eight...Awaiting Answers

2008-05-09T02:36:00.000-07:00

So, my fate lies in the hands of complete strangers. I know how defendants on trial feel, but the people judging my case aren't even a jury of my peers. Still, I am not anxious about being fired. I AM anxious about finding out one way or the other. I AM anxious about getting back to work and finishing the school year with my students and well. I AM anxious about building trust with my students in the next 5-6 weeks left of school. I AM anxious that when I go to apply to my next job, this will have a negative impact on me getting that job.

Sigh...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, make your requests known to God."

"And the peace that passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus."

Two of the verses I live by.

I have peace and confidence, not in myself and my abilities, but in the fact that God will take care of the situation in the way His name will be most glorified...despite me and anything I can do.

On the home front, Moob and Olorin are going out of town tomorrow, leaving Millyra at home with me for the weekend. I'm excited! It hasn't been just her and I...well, ever, I think! Heh! That's because we all live together and wherever Moob goes, Millyra goes. But this weekend, I have some fun things planned. First and foremost, SHRIMP! We are the 2 in the house that LOVE shrimp! We don't ever eat it because 1) it's expensive, and 2) we wouldn't eat it just ourselves in front of Moob and Olorin. So, it's gonna be steak and shrimp. And, we'll probably do some baking...maybe some movies. Just have an all-over girl's weekend! Then, we'll go to church with my parents and brother for Mother's Day and come back to my place for dinner. Haven't figured out what I'm cooking, yet. I DO have a London Broil I could cook if I got some more propane for the BBQ. That would be good, picking up some baby red potatoes and cooking them with some veggies. Yum! I think I might do that...

And, I'll have Sulla (my bro) figure out some dessert or something. He did that last year. He and Millyra made individual tiramisu bowls. Yum!

Or, we just might get a watermelon or something.

We'll see...

A Good Meeting...

2008-05-07T15:16:00.000-07:00

So, I got to the meeting and there were SO many different accusations they had for me...in addition to me being out for so long sick.

1) No Substitute Plans

~ Ok, that's just rediculous. Do I LOOK stupid? Why would I submit an absence and not submit sub plans? The first 2 times, the sub didn't get my plans and my students complained. So, since that time, I've emailed the secretary at the high school with a copy of my lesson plans...to cover my bahookie (thanks Andrew!). So, the principal will have to check with the secretary on that.

2) No daily work

~ Students were complaining to the principal that they don't have daily work to do. Uhhhh...again, rediculous! ASL is a visual language, not a written one, so the work we do isn't going to be written down. I explained to the principal that I have daily participation points that is a major chunk of student grades. If students come to class and participate by following directions, behaving well and doing their work, they get all the points for the day. If they're late, they get 2 points off. If they don't show, they don't get the points. They can make them up by doing outside work (like if they're gone for a field trip or other school related issues), but if after 1 week, it's not made up, they get a zero for that day. And, that has been my policy from day one!

3) I told all my students I was going to give them all failing grades despite the work they turn in and they were worried they wouldn't be able to participate in graduation.

~ No. I told the principal I would NEVER say ANYTHING like that. That would not be fair to the students who actually come to class and do the work (like the ones I can count on 2 hands!). I told the principal (and the others at the meeting) that if a student fails the class it's because they earned it.

4) I never posted any grades for students.

~ Well, this is malarkie because I spent many hours at home grading papers and entering them in the gradebook. All my students, and their parents, have been given the website to access their grades. If they have internet connection (which you can always get at the local library), they can have access to their grades. I HAVE to keep up on it...otherwise, I'll have 85 kids asking to see their grades every day!

5) I neglected to submit quarter grades for students.

~ That's because I was given incomplete information about how to submit grades. I was told by the Tech Education/Computer Teacher (who also happens to be my Department Chair at the high school) that I could enter the grades and be "good to go". So, I did. I entered them and was good to go! I even entered comments on their quarter grades because I wanted parents to know that their students' grades were lower because they hadn't completed a major (100 point) assignment by its due date. I subsequently gave them an extension because the material is valuable and I want them do have it, but they will not receive 100%. They had 6 weeks to read this book and do the report (6 pages, double-spaced, standard margins...oh, I did forget to say 12 point font...one student gave me his paper with a 21 point font...sheesh!). I even gave them multiple opportunities to read IN CLASS because we don't have enough books for all the students. They still didn't do the assignment. Well, 2 of them did. Well, 1 completed 5 of 6 pages and one gave me a 6 page paper with the 21 point font. I retyped it and it came out, at a 12 point font with standard margins, to be a 2 page paper. COME ON!

6/7) I had bad classroom management.

~ Yes, I do have bad classroom management...here. For some reason, I cannot make my kids mind. I have tried to be harsh, I have tried to be nice. I even tried bribing them with candy. NOTHING WORKS! I'm nearly bald from pulling my hair out over frustration. I spend most of my time within the classroom working on behavior modification/correction. This leads into another issue about administrative support. In my defense, the former teacher let me nearly nothing by way of instruction on what to do. So, I don't have a handbook. When I told the HR woman that, she (very snippy) said, "Well, could you have gotten one from another teacher?" When, I said yes, she said, "well, why didn't you?" I said, "Well, I asked [my department head] where I could get a handbook or if I could borrow hers. She took me to [the vice principal] who told me he'd have one for me by the end of that week." She cut me off and turned to the principal and said, "Did she ever ask you for one? Is it online?" I told her, "I didn't feel the need to ask him after I'd asked the VP for one. Then it slipped my mind and I supposed that it was up to me to make that decision on sending students to the administrators." She came across very huffy...not at all like she was trying to find out what happened at all. Fortunately, the principal said that some of the information is online, but he has a separate hard-copy handbook that is handed out to all teachers at the beginning of the year. Well, I wasn't there at the beginning of the year (DER!)

8) I show "R" rated movies without permission.

~ No, I showed 1 "R" rated movie that had already been approved (according to the curriculum of the previous teacher) and 1 move that was made-for-TV, so it didn't have a rating on the website I purchased it from. The sub this last week turned it on and discovered some suggestive language and nudity. The sub shut it off and didn't plug in the other movie (that I know was rated no more than PG-13). Instead, the sub told the principal about it. Which, I can understand. As a sub, if I was asked to do something questionable, I would probably talk to the principal, too. So, it was not the sub's fault.

So...those are pretty much the things they complained about...in addition to my extended illness. So, as of right now, I am on paid administrative leave (yay for the rest of the week off!) until they make a decision on what they're going to do. It's all in God's hands right now and I have faith that whatever happens is for a reason and I'll be OK. Moob is a little (ok, probably a lot) concerned about it financially. She won't be able to float me and the new roomie. And, that's totally understandable. It's not a complaint against Moob at all. In fact, it was she and mom-squared that convinced me to go in today. And, it was a good thing I did. The HR woman had emailed me (at my school address, to which I had no access since Thursday) saying that I had a meeting scheduled yesterday and if I didn't respond by noon on May 8th, I would be in breach of my contract and be fired on the spot. So, the prompting of the Holy Spirit was on Moob and mom-squared (my mom and Moob's mom). It was good I listened! At least now I have a chance.

I'll keep you posted.

Union Rep...

2008-05-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

Just showed up...

Here goes nothing!

The Plan Is...

2008-05-07T08:15:00.001-07:00

At 9:00 my union rep will come to the district office. She and I will talk. Then we will meet with "everyone else"...which probably means the Assistant Superintendent of HR, my Principal (cuz he was just here), my department head, my department supervisor, my union rep and me.

I honestly have no idea what's going to happen. I'm hoping for the best (seeing that there is only 6 weeks left of the school year) and preparing for the worst (since there is only 6 weeks left of school and they've had a sub for the last 3 weeks...)

Sigh...

I just want it to be over...

But, it doesn't lok like I'll be working today, so I can have my interview at 2:30 as originally scheduled.

Sigh...

More Waiting...

2008-05-07T07:24:00.000-07:00

The Assistant Superintendent of HR has just informed me that they had a meeting scheduled for yesterday with my Union Rep and had done all of their communicating through the district email. I informed her I didn't have access to it as of last Thursday. So, I get to wait here to see if they can put together a meeting quickly for me. If not, we'll have to reschedule.

Sigh...

I don't think I have a job anymore...

Sigh...

On my way...

2008-05-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

To the district office to meet with HR.

In the Office...

2008-05-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the office at the high school...waiting to see what is going on with me and my job...

It's a nail-biter...

God has all things in control...

I may have shot myself in the foot...

I should stop being such a victim of circumstances and just deal with life no matter what happens...

Sigh...

Update...

2008-05-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

After much deliberation and chatting with those about whose opinions I care, I am going in to work tomorrow...if for nothing else than to show up. As Moob and Mom-squared have pointed out, if they've already made up their mind, it's better to go and get it over with than to prolong the inevitable.

And, Moob, I wasn't angry at you tonight. I just have a hard time with that cond of confrontation. I shut down because I don't know what to say to you. It's like accusing someone of being in denial: no matter how hard I tell you I'm not in denial, you think it's because I'm denying the fact that I'm in denail. A vicious cycle with no way out...

And, it's hard hearing you talk about what I'm doing as a bad thing when you've been doing the same thing. I know you care about me and are concerned. I appreciate that. Thank you. Just have a little more faith in me and my abilities to get through and come out the other side much better than when I went in.

(^_^)

Thanks...

Day Eighty-Seven...Getting Nervous

2008-05-06T18:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, I went online and found that my district now has a substitute arranged for me for the remainder of the week. I was told by the Principal Monday morning that he already had the sub for Monday and Tuesday and I would come in on Wednesday. Also, Wednesday, we'd have a meeting with the union rep. Now, I was totally prepared to be fired on Wednesday. I'm NOT prepared to have a sub in my class when I'm going in. Finally, I emailed my principal, the vice principal and my director asking what's going on. I told them that I would wait to do to hear from them before I do anything...

But, now I'm getting advice to go in. Well, I'm not sure I'm going to do that. I'll see in the morning...

I'll keep you posted.

On a better note, I have 2 interviews this week and next. One is for a teaching job in Shoreline and one is for a job in the summer at WSD. I should be fine...I just wish others could see it.

Day Eighty-Six...False Alarm

2008-05-05T06:06:00.001-07:00

So, I was intending on returning to work today. After all, I haven't seen my kids in a month! I've been off for Spring Break, then sick for 3 weeks. Mt doctor gave me the Ok to head back to work today. Gosh...5:15 comes SO early, but at least it's light out. I seem to be solar-powered. If I have to get up early, I do better if it's light out.

Anyway...

So, I'm getting up, getting ready to shower when I get a call from my principal. He tells me he's glad I've been OK'd to return to work and that I'm feeling better. However, since I took such an extended absence, he authorized a substitute through Tuesday and that I would be able to return on Wednesday. Ok...I can do that.

The part that made me a little nervous (ok, a LOT nervous) was the fact that he said we would have a meeting on Wednesday with my union rep present. That's like going in to the principal's office and finding your parents have already been told everything that's going on and you're gonna be in BIG trouble when you get home. Ya, that's what my stomach feels like right now. No fun...

But they just CAN'T fire me...first, I'm in a contract. Second, I've been out because of a medical illness.

Sigh...

So, I've been looking for jobs elsewhere. Offices, other schools. I'll have to wait until Wednesday to see if I still have a job or I need to schedule any interviews.

Sigh...

I really wanted this job. Makes me sad I'm not going back in the fall. I DO know God has everything in control and everything happens for a reason and nothing happens without His knowledge and approval. Of THAT I am certain. The only drawback to being fired (ok, besides not having any money) is that I'll have to work this summer. I was SO looking forward to doing anything I wanted...or nothing at all! If I lose this job, I'll have to work this summer...not a BIG deal, but I was very much looking forward to having the time off and working if I WANTED to. I even applied for a short gig down at Washington School for the Deaf in Vancouver, WA for 2 weeks in the Total Immersion Sign Language Program. People come for a 6-day workshop where everything is conducted in ASL. EVERYTHING! No voices for 6 days! It's going to be GREAT! I can't get my students to turn their voices off for 6 minutes, let alone an entire period, an entire day! And there is 2 workshops. So it's a total of 12 days, working with people who WANT to be there, who have paid MONEY to be there, and are SERIOUS about improving their skills. I submitted my application a few days ago...we'll see what happens!

Sigh...

Nudge

2008-05-05T05:48:00.001-07:00

http://nudgearts.blogspot.com/

Aw Hell Yeah

2008-05-05T05:48:00.000-07:00

http://awhellyeahpoetry.blogspot.com/

Day Eighty-Five...Back to Work.

2008-05-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

So, I'm heading back to work tomorrow after 3 weeks of sickness and 1 week of vacation (Spring Break). I'm feeling so much better (from the sickness) and not so good at the same time. I haven't been able to access my work email for 2 days. I get an error stating that Internet Explorer could not display the page. Technically, that tells me that their server is down because if they had denied me access, it would have said Access Denied, or something. But, it doesn't, so...

I also checked the online sub finder and the administration has scheduled a sub for tomorrow and Tuesday. I was told that, because I had an extended illness, I couldn't come back until I had official release from my doctor. Well, I went to the doctor on Friday and she gave me the return to work authorization. She faxed it to them that afternoon. So, they probably got the sub before the close of business on Friday.

I'm in a contract through the end of the year. They shouldn't be able to fire me...I AM in a contract. However, if you've read about my luck with this job, you'll know they've NEVER been on my side.

So, I'm a little nervous about tomorrow. I'm going to work, but there will be a sub in my classroom for 2 days. I have no idea what to expect.

I'll keep you posted...

Day Eighty-Four...Another Trip to the Doctor

2008-05-01T01:05:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I went to the Walk-in Clinic by my house because I had some pain in my left foot...moreso than normal for being this large. They took x-rays and told me I either had a stress fracture or a chip in my ankle...it was so small, he couldn't quite tell without an MRI. So, he put me in a walking cast and sent me on my merry way, telling me that it should be better in 4 - 6 weeks. Well, I went about 3 weeks and, in an unrelated appointment, was advised by my chiropractor to see a podiatrist because that area of the foot is not one that should be left to heal on it's own. So, I made an appointment with the podiatrist to whom my chiropractor referred me.

And today was that appointment...about 4 weeks after I made the appointment!

This doctor, Dr. Nishimoto of the Northwest Foot and Ankle Clinic in Everett (plug) was a great doctor. He's a Christian, which is always nice. But, moreso, he was very kind, had a great bed-side manner, and was straightforward with me, letting me know the possibilities for treatment of my condition...which, by the way, I've had since I was a young...not since I got fat. It's congenital...meaning I was born with it and it has progressively gotten worse over time. I have fallen arches and tendonitis in both feet...but more severe in the left foot.

So, for right now, I'm in a air-cast on my left foot because of the pain, while my doctor works with my insurance company to get some orthotics for my shoes to, hopefully, push my arches back up where they belong...thereby avoiding surgery to repair the one pinky-sized tendon holding my arch up. He said, right now, it's a little over stretched which is what is causing the pain. If we can get my arches back up where they belong, the tendon doesn't have to work quite as hard holding it up and it won't get torn or stretched out beyond repair.

I also have to get new shoes...running shoes...that have more support. New Balance with an 800 or higher number...the higher the number, the better. Yay, shopping!

And, I have a note from my doctor that restricts my standing to 1 hour in an 8 hour period! They're gonna LOVE me at work for that. Fortunately, I have desks I can move around so my students can see me and a higher chair, like a drafting chair, I can sit on for most of the day. So, that'll be cool...

And, I'm feeling better from my URI. The doctor at the Walk-in Clinig gave me 1 more round of prednizone, stronger and longer, to knock the holy heck out of this infection so I can go back to work on Monday. It seems to be working a bit better this time. I should be good to go. I'm still going to my regular doctor for a check-up on Friday to make sure there's nothing else hiding, causing these severe symptoms. The doc at the Walk-in Clinic said I should have been feeling MUCH better by now. Anyway, my regular doctor will do the follow-up and she'll give me a release back to work. I tell you, even though I've been sick, it's been nice sleeping in, staying up late, living in my PJs! I've even almost read an entire pleasure book from cover-to-cover! Now, the cough? That's another story. That's been a pain in my backside...literally. I lost 9 pounds in a little over a week because all I could do was eat chicken soup or cream of wheat and cough all day and night. I have GREAT abs, now! Well...not really! Anyway, on Saturday, I went grocery shopping and could barely make it to 2 stores without feeling like I was going to pass out. Today, not the case. Still coughing quite a bit, especially going from a warm store to a cold out doors, but my energy is coming back. I definitely welcome that!

And, speaking of energy, (Sarah, you'll appreciate this!) I should have a lot more of that after this weekend, too. Last week I was officially diagnosed with Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea. It runs in my family. My parents have it, my paternal grandfather had it, his brothers had it...we figure my paternal great-grandfather had it, too. He snored like a freight train, as did my grandfather and father! Now, like my mom, I don't snore, but I stop breathing when I sleep, first because I have such a small airway to begin with. My tonsils are huge and my throat is small (thanks, mom!). And second, because the muscles in my airway relax so much when I sleep that it cuts off my air supply. My brain starts registering that no air is coming (no oxygen...which feeds the brain and keeps me, you know, alive!), so my brain wakes up my body enough to put those muscles into motion to allow the airway constrictions to decrease, thus allowing oxygen into my bloodstream and brain. I've been depriving my brain of the oxygen it needs to thrive and my body the sleep it needs to rest and rejuvinate itself, repair itself and gear up for the next days activites. Hmmm..mo wonder I'm tired all the time! And, not it's not just because I'm fat and lazy!

But, that should all change after this weekend. I'm heading back to the sleep clinic on Saturday evening to be tested again and calinrated on a C-PAP machine. C-PAP stands for constant positive air pressure. Basically, it's a maching with a mask I wear when I sleep that is designed to force air into my lungs to keep me constantly breathing so my brain can relax and not have to wake me up to breathe, and my body can rest throughout the night and recuperate from the day. If it works for me like it worked for my mom, I should see an almost instant change in my energy level...which will GREAT because then I can do the things I want to do...like have the energy and stamina to work out...or walk my dog now that the weather is nicer...or just get up and clean the house without feeling absolutely drained after cleaning one room. That'll be a nice change...

Day Eighty-Three...Still Sick

2008-04-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

So, I've been off work a total of 13 days...13 working days...and I'm still not feeling how I should be feeling after a round of steriods, a nebulizer treatment, antibiotics, 2 inhalers and a cough syrup with codeine. So, I went back to the walk-in clinic and saw Dr. McDreamy...uhhh...Dr. Todd. He was distressed that I wasn't feeling 100%. I told him I wasn't feeling even 50%. He decided to give me another nebulizer treatment...one that was more powerful and a little longer (more meds)...and another rounds of prednizone...also stronger and longer...in hopes that will knock it out.

He also gave me the rest of the week off and stern instructions to see my regular doctor on Friday. So, I have an appointment on Friday morning to see what's going on. If I'm not better, she will investigate further to see what is really going on.

Sigh...

Until then, I'm staying as low-profile as I can. Resting, watching stupid, mind-numbing movies on TV, probably finishing my book, researching more school (I'm thinking about another endorsement in either English/Language Arts or Social Studies...probably English...I'm good at that!).

And, I've found out that my job has been offered to someone else for next year.

Sigh...

So, if you want to chat, I'm prolly online all day!

Day Eighty-Three...Still Sick

2008-04-30T02:48:00.000-07:00

So, I've been off work a total of 12 days...12 working days...and I'm
still not feeling how I should be feeling after a round of steriods, a
nebulizer treatment, antibiotics, 2 inhalers and a cough syrup with
codeine. So, I went back to the walk-in clinic and saw Dr.
McDreamy...uhhh...Dr. Todd. He was distressed that I wasn't feeling
100%. I told him I wasn't feeling even 50%. He decided to give me
another nebulizer treatment...one that was more powerful and a little
longer (more meds)...and another rounds of prednizone...also stronger
and longer...in hopes that will knock it out.

He also gave me the rest of the week off and stern instructions to see
my regular doctor on Friday. So, I have an appointment on Friday
morning to see what's going on. If I'm not better, she will investigate
further to see what is really going on.

Sigh...

Until then, I'm staying as low-profile as I can. Resting, watching
stupid, mind-numbing movies on TV, probably finishing my book,
researching more school (I'm thinking about another endorsement in
either English/Language Arts or Social Studies...probably English...I'm
good at that!)

So, if anyone wants to chat...I'm online pretty much all day.

Day Eighty-Two...Vewy, Vewy Sick

2008-04-21T02:10:00.001-07:00

So, here it is, nearly 2 am and I'm laying in bed hacking up both my lungs. I've been sick for 5 days. Last Tuesday, I went to the doctor at the walk-in clinic by my house. Can I just say how much I like Dr. Todd? He is such a nice man. If he weren't married...

I digress...

Anyway, I have an upper respiratory infection that has hit me like a ton of bricks. Like I said before, I started out on prednizone, which worked GREAT before. My doc said if I didn't feel better by Friday, I could call for antibiotics...which I did. I stopped taking the prednizone after assuming that's what I was supposed to do. Well, you know what happens when I assume? I make an a$$ out of myself! Heh! So, although my runny nose and fever and body aches went away when I started the antibiotics, my cough, runny nose and headache got worse. So, I called the clinic today and the nurse said I was supposed to be taking both meds. Silly me...

So, I took my next dose of the prednizone AND the antibiotic today. I was hoping to be better by Monday (today) to go to work and back on schedule with the Y, but that's not going to happen. I can't walk from the kitchen table to the bathroom or my chair without getting winded and coughing so hard I pee and nearly pass out from the pressure in my head. I'm going back to the clinic when I wake up so I can get some different cough syrup (the one Dr. Todd gave me isn't really working much) and a note for work.

One funny thing about this is that when I cough, I inhale more than I exhale, so I have the burps all the time :-D

I hope I feel better soon.

Day Eighty-Two...Feeling a Little Better

2008-04-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, i called the doctor. He put me on some antibiotics and I think they're doing the trick. Last time I had this same illness, he put me on prednizone, which worked VERY well. I was feeling better within 24 hours. This time, however, not so much. In fact, I felt worse. So, like I said before, I didn't go in to work at all this week (from Tuesday on) because I would get winded just walking from the couch to the bathroom. It was awful! Anyway, I've only taken 2 doses of the antibiotics my doctor gave me and I feel better. Still not up to running a marathon, but better. I coughed and coughed a LOT last night which is making me tired today, but overall, I do feel better. I hope I'm better to go back to work on Monday. I'm sure I will be!

And, I want to get back to the Y. I've set a new goal for myself. I want to be under 400 pounds by June 20th...that's the last day of school. I can do it if I lose 2.6 pounds a week. That shouldn't be a problem...especially since Moob and I are committed to going to the Y daily Monday through Friday. They have some very cool classes...one of which we missed last night because I was so sick. It was a hula dance class. Maybe we'll catch it the next time around. Or something just as fun. The cool thing about the Y is their FitLinxx system. You're assigned an ID number that is used with all the machines. It will automatically adjust the weights for you when you enter your ID. No thinking about how much weight should be added...no over-doing things. It's awesome!

So, to achieve my goal, I have to lose an average of 2.6 pounds a week between now and June 20. Moob and I are also going to take pictures of ourselves to help motivate us and spur us on to going to the gym every day. No, those pictures won't be published!

Day Eighty-One...Back to the Bottom

2008-04-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

So, I've been sick all this week. I had my interview scheduled for today at 3:15. I was bound and determined to go to work today, but all I did last night was toss and turn and cough and pee and whine 'cuz my voice hurts. So, at 5:15 this morning, I emailed the woman at the district office who set up the interview. I asked her if I could reschedule. I heard nothing back so I called at around noon. She was out to lunch. I left very specific instructions for her secretary to have the woman call me back at my home number or email me at my phone email so I would be SURE I wouldn't miss this opportunity. Well, I finally got a message back, after it was too late, saying that "Our process for hiring in this type of situation is that if a candidate has to cancel an interview for whatever reason, we move forward with the remaining scheduled interviews. If we do not make a selection, then we can consider the candidate who cancelled and any others who may have applied in the meantime. So, we won't be able to reschedule your interview at this time. Feel free to check back with [the program specialist] in a few days to see if the position is being filled. Thanks."

Translation...because the program specialist didn't call me back in time, I have been pushed to the bottom of the barrel as far as interviews go. They'll proceed with the interviews, try to make a selection and then...and only if they can't find someone else...will they go back and try to reschedule my interview. I'm pretty much screwed because someone couldn't follow directions.

I emailed back explaining the situation and the only response I got back was that it has been forwarded to the Assistant Superintendent of Human Resources for consideration.

So, we'll see what happens. God will have me where he wants me.

Day...whatever it is today

2008-04-16T22:19:00.001-07:00

I can't sleep. I've been out sick the last few days and my sleep schedule is all out of whack. In fact, I've been in my bed trying to sleep for 2 hours to no avail. Sigh. I'm tired enough. I keep yawning and my eyes keep closing, but once my eyes close, I start thinking of all kinds of weird things and in inner voice suddenly develops a British accent. And, once that happens, I can't turn it off (my mind, that is...as well as the accent!) and, thus, I can't sleep. Am I stressed out? A little. My job was is not a continuing contract, so I had to reapply and re-interview. I have my interview tomorrow after school. I'm sure I'll do fine. I'm just a little worried that come September, I'll have to start over again. Fortunately, I'll get paid through August, so that's good. And I got a bit of a raise, so that'll help, too. I'm nervous about the questions they'll as me. I've struggled so much this year...I don't want them to think I can't do the job. I don't want to bad-mouth the previous teacher, but she left me with squat. There's no formal curriculum, no supplies, no support materials. If you read my previous post, you'll learn that she lied to me about what she had and hadn't taught the kids...like she was trying to set me up for failure. I guess I just have to go in there with the confidence that God will have me where he wants me. I LOVE my job. I LOVE the school. I LOVE the kids...well, most of 'em! Nah, each one is special to me and I've really had a hard time with some, but if anything were to happen to any of them, I'd be devastated.

So, going in tomorrow, I have my 1st period class and my 5th period class. We're going to learn about lexicalized signs (words that were originally fingerspelled, but the fingerspelling morphed into the sign...like #BACK or #ALL...forming each of the letters quickly has become the sign for that word). I may, depending on time, she the beginning of a video Sound and Fury about Cochlear Implants. We'll see.

For the interview, though, if you think of it, please pray for me at 3:15. That's when my interview is scheduled. I just need to remember to have faith and the confidence that I AM the right person for those kids and that job. I need to project that confidence and determination at the interview. I need to speak with a tone of "You've already got the right teacher", without sounding cocky. I need to remember to remind them that they've already got a vested interest in me with all the training I've gone to and will go to in the summer. I have to act with humility, but confidence in who I am as a teacher. I'm a good teacher and they need to see that. It'll be interesting though...my voice comes and goes when I'm sick, so... I'll update you tomorrow. Right now, it's off to less-than-seven-hours-of-sleep-when-I-should-have-gotten-nine-hours land.

Day Seventy-Nine...Chili

2008-04-14T21:14:00.001-07:00

So, today I tried a new recipe: Cincinatti-Style Turkey Chili. It was pretty darn good, if I do say so myself. It had sauted onion, garlic powder, ground turkey, chili powder, corriander, cumin, cinnamon (yes, you read that correctly, I DID say cinnamon!), tomato paste, chicken broth, red kidney beans and pasta. The recipe called for spaghetti noodles broken down into 2 inch pieces, but I found these cute little wagon-wheel shaped noodles at WinCo (which, by the way, has become my favorite store. I shopped there while living in Idaho and didn't like the atmosphere much...too many crazies! But here...well, Marysville...isn't too bad. Still a lot of people, but it's a bigger store so less crazies per square foot! Lol!), so I decided to get those instead. I made it with corn bread muffins and it was very tasty! And filling! I usually have 2 bowls of regar chili, but I only ate one of this.

And the family (except Milyra) really liked it. At least she tried it!

Then we had ice cream and peanut butter cookies for dessert. The perfect end to the perfect day!

I'm supposed to be sleeping right now, but I'm waiting for some of my food to digest. I'm laying down and feeling like I'm floating! I drank too much water right after dinner! Heh!

Day Seventy-Eight...The End!

2008-04-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's just the end of Spring Break, but it DEFINITELY wasn't long enough! LOL! I'm heading back to school tomorrow for a week of WASL testing. Fortunately, that means I'll have shorter classes, except tomorrow. Tomorrow is a regular day, so 50 minute classes. It's not too bad...

So, that means that I have 49 school days left until the end of the year. That means I have 49 days to plan for my students. That means I have 49 days I have to deal with my students really not wanting to be there. I have 49 days to make my bosses happy with me so they don't hire someone else in my place.

Oh, also, it was a sad day on Saturday. My mom's dog, Claire, lived to be 18 years old. She passed away on Saturday morning. Actually, because she was so sick and old, mom and dad decided to put her to sleep. She had such bad arthritis, she was having accidents in the house because she couldn't get up and get to the door fast enough, she was blind and deaf, had no teeth, wasn't eating much. It was just time. My mom held her as she went down. It was bittersweet for her.

So...that's pretty much where I am right now. Not in a BAD place, not in an AMAZINGLY HAPPY place, but I'm a'ight!

Day Seventy-Seven...Diagnosis, Almost

2008-04-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

So, at 32, I would expect that I could get 8 hours of sleep every night and wake up mostly refreshed and ready to face the following day. I would expect that I could come home from work and not feel like taking a nap. I would expect that I would be able to sleep through the night. I would expect that I would be able to fall asleep within a few minutes of hitting the pillow at night. I would also expect that doing the littlest things wouldn't make me exhausted. Well...my expectations are incorrect. I DON'T get 8 hours of sleep every night, even though I go to bed between 7 and 8 pm (I have to get up by 5 or so to get to Renton by 7). I DON'T wake up mostly refreshed and ready to face the day because I'm so exhausted. I DON'T come home from work and feel like not taking a nap. I DON'T sleep through the night. I DON'T fall asleep within a few minutes of going to bed. It takes be anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes to fall asleep, and even at that, I don't STAY asleep. It's been that way for several years, but I've really noticed it since I started working. It's starting to affect my abilities at my job.

So, I took charge of the situation. I went to the doctor today. My parents and my brother all have sleep apnea and my mother and brother have Restless Leg Syndrome (the creepy-crawlies, crabby-legs syndrome at night). My mom says I breathe just like she does at night (she's come into my room when I lived at home and purposefully listened to me sleeping to check) and my covers are almost always off my bed when I wake up. So, I probably have both. Both of those things have, most likely, been disturbing my sleep, probably for years. The doctor wants to do a sleep study on me. I'll go back to the clinic on Thursday night at about 7:30, they'll hook me up to machines to monitor how I sleep, and I'll spend the night there. Then in about 7 days, I'll get the results. If I have it (and there's little doubt in my mind), I'll most likely get a machine to wear when I sleep that will help push air into my lungs and keep me breathing. If this works, I should sleep better than I have in years and I should have the energy I need to do the normal, everyday things I want to do.

Also, the doctor gave me a sample of some medicine for RLS (the creepy-crawly, crabby-leg syndrome). He told me to try it and see if it works. If not, we can try something else.

I really hope that this does the trick. It will be nice to sleep again. It would also be nice (and, I'm just kinda thinking out loud right now), but it would be nice if I could some how have this doctor deem it a medical necessity for me to lose weight through the Lap Band surgery and have my insurance pay for it. I have been doing some research and it seems like the Lap Band is the way I would like to go. It's MUCH less invasive, it's adjustable, and there is FAR LESS complications and dangers associated with it (when compared to Gastric Bypass). Granted, every surgical procedure carries a certain amount of dangers and risks. But the Lap Band procedure does not involve cutting or removing any of the stomach muscle at all. It's a sleeve that is put at the top of your stomach. The sleeve can be inflated or deflated in an out-patient office visit. It can also be reversed/removed if complications arise.

But, right now, I think I'll concentrate on the sleeping issues I have, get those taken care of, then deal with fixing the underlying weight problem. Who knows, maybe taking care of the sleep apnea will give me the energy I need to work out every day like I'm supposed to. If so, I'll be able to lose my weight on my own. If not, then I can talk to my doctor about the other things.

Day Seventy-Six...Oh...My...Goodness!

2008-04-06T22:03:00.003-07:00

AHHHHH! So, I've found 34 new blogs on stamping and card making! {screeching like a little girl} I've included them for your viewing pleasure!

So, I'm so excited about it because it has pictures, designs and instructions I *may* begin posting some of the cards I make, again, for your viewing pleasure!

EEK! Fun! Grin!

Day Seventy-Five...Spring Break

2008-04-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's Spring Break and I couldn't be happier. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job! But, I definitely need some time off...and some time to regroup. I need to gather my things, gather my thoughts and (re) plan the rest of the year. The former teacher, I think, had it in for me. I'm not sure why, but...whatever.

So, with that, I've got to redo all my plans for the rest of the year based on what my students have done thus far. I borrowed 2 students' notebooks with everything they've learned/done this last semester. That way, I know what they've done and I can plan accordingly.

I'm also going to SCCC to get the videos that the former teacher was supposed to leave for me, but (dun-dun-duuuuuuun) didn't.

But, for now, I'm just going to bed.

Day Seventy-Four...Things are Balancing Out

2008-03-31T14:31:00.001-07:00

So, I've been tweaking my teaching style a bit. I've decided to be a little more prepared and consistent with my students. I figured if I can't change them, I'll change me.

So, I've decided that Mondays will be new vocabulary day. Tuesdays will be vocab review, and grammar days. Wednesdays and Thursdays will be Receptive Translations, Expressive Translations and Copy Stories, and Friday will be exam day. I think that'll be the plan from now on.

Again, I think that'll be good. I'll let you know how it works out.

Day Seventy-Three...A Better Day

2008-03-19T19:24:00.001-07:00

So, today, I decided to play 2 games with my students. Both games were focused on an aspect of ASL: fingerspelling and signer's perspective (my left, your right...kind of thing). 1st period was OK with the games. But, 5th period...OMG! They LOVED them! They loved them SO much that they took the last game and modified it to include the whole class rather than teams of 3. It was SO much fun! I felt a whole lot better today than I did yesterday.

And, I emailed my principal and informed him of the situation with the other teacher. He's going to email me tomorrow with a time we can meet. I felt VERY good about that!

So, I'm not going to spend too much time on the computer because I'm going to bed on time tonight. G'nite!

Day Seventy-Two...A Bad Day

2008-03-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had the feeling that you really sucked at something, but just found out that you do? Ok, so that's the day I'm having today. I made the mistake of asking my students for some feedback on how they felt the class was going. So far, I've had 2 classes basically tell me that I suck and that we shouldn't be reading in an ASL class. We shouldn't have manual communication outside of the classroom. We shouldn't have so much to do in this class. Well, what the hell are we supposed to do, then? If I don't assign homework, they complain. If I assign homework, they complain. They complain because they don't have enough practice time. So, I give them ManCom (community contact) and they complain because "it's way too much". Fifteen minutes a day is NOT way too much! Technically, they should have more homework, but because the former teacher told me they won't do it, I don't overload them with it.

Oh, and don't get me started on the former teacher. Ok, so I knew this woman. My cousin actually had her as an ASL teacher. And, the signs she taught my cousin...some of them were wrong signs...more English than ASL. Anyway, whatever. So, I do a few days of "transition". It wasn't actually transition...I came and sat on my butt all day while the students worked on her final project. I did nothing as far as transition. No teaming, no introductions, NOTHING. So, the day comes when I'm to take over the class...half of the students didn't realize I was going to be their new teacher. Can you believe that? ARGH!

Here are some of their comments:

~ no ManCom (this was said by most of my students)
~ less hard curriculum
~ no essays
~ no book work (meaning, no reading)
~ less Deaf Culture
~ be more in control
~ give reasons for learning what we're learning
~ I really want (the former teacher) back
~ more vocabulary
~ more quizzes on vocabulary
~ less vocabulary at once
~ reading a book is fine, but don't make us do an essay on it
~ less projects
~ more projects
~ more conversation activities
~ less conversation activities
~ more interactive
~ I feel like I've learned nothing new (this, coming from someone who sleeps in my class!)
~ this class is boring (this, coming from someone who doesn't put the effort into practicing...she can't communicate with me at all!)

And, this is just from my 1st 2 classes. I still have 4 more to go!

And, also, the former teacher told me she'd leave me the curriculum for the classes...she didn't. She took it all with her and left me some mis-matched papers. So, now it's my job to figure out what she did last semester, how she did it, and move on from there. That's what I've been doing the last 2 months. The students are so bored...but, I can't move forward until I fill in the gaps the former teacher left.

AND...I found out today that some of the students are in contact with the former teacher, telling her how horrible my class is...how horrible a teacher I am. I also found out that she's telling them, and I quote, "Yeah, I heard it was pretty bad. Just stick it out so you can get the credit for graduation." The cojones on that woman...bad mouthing another teacher to her former, MY CURRENT, students! ¡Oh mi calidad... las bolas en esa mujer! ¡Ella apenas hace que desea gritar! ¿Qué clase de un profesor es usted? ¿Qué clase de una PERSONA es usted? ¿Qué el infierno usted le piensa está haciendo? ¡Usted no puede apenas ir detrás alguien parte posteriora y hablar malo sobre ellos... especialmente con sus propios estudiantes! (it sounds better when you're angry in Spanish!)

And, I started my period today, so I'm EXTRA grouchy!

Circumcised

2008-03-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

(This is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

(wah, wah, waaaaaaaah!)

Day Seventy-One...The Third Day of Swimming

2008-03-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

So, this week Moob and I decided we were going to get back into swimming...even with my bum foot! The Dr said it was ok to swim because it is high resistance, low impact. So, today was day three. I started out not wanting to go on Monday. Then, I didn't go on Tuesday. Then, I (reluctantly) went yesterday. I actually felt better yesterday for going. Today, it wasn't as much of a battle to go. I just met Moob at the Y and we just did it. I hope it gets easier as the days go on. I'm sure it will...as it becomes a habit, it'll be easier to 'just go' every day. And, really, that's what I need. I need it to be an every day thing. It's too easy for me to put it off a day, then another day, then another...pretty soon, I'm derailed. I really don't want to get derailed again. I'm tired of falling off the tracks and having to pick myself back up, dust myself back on and get on the train again. It sucks! So, I think I'm just going to 'do it' this time. I've already lost 4 pounds since I went to the doctor on the 23rd of February. I attribute MOST of that to having to haul around this big, dumb boot all day long!

So, I'm not going to make any 'resolutions' or 'promises' or 'grand plans'...I'm just gonna do it. I really do feel better when I take care of myself. When I do, it makes it much easier to take care of others :-D

Day Seventy...Lesson Planning Day

2008-03-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

ARGH! I kinda wish my day ended when I walked out of the classroom. Alas, it doesn't! So, I took some time for myself yesterday, making cards with the fam. So, today, I had to do my lesson plans for next week. I started when I got up today...about 11:00 when I really got into it...and I jujst finished at 8:00 this evening. That's 9 hours of working. Of course, I had stopped to help a bit in construction, run the credit card to dad at the store, watching a movie (for my classes), and peed. But, other than that, I've pretty much been working on my lesson plans. Next week, we have the WASL...which is AWFUL! So, I had to make some less-brain-intensive work for my kids to do. We've been reading and testing the last 2 weeks, so I figured they've earned a movie.

Ok...off to bed...g'nite!

Day Sixty-Nine...Construction Day!

2008-03-08T13:51:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of construction! We're building 2 new rooms for 2 new roomies! It's definitely taking shape. Half the floor is in...the other half is going in after lunch. I'm very excited to see it take shape.

Moob just cooked a VERY GOOD lunch. It was breakfast burritos. Scrambled eggs, ham and cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla. Mmm...Mmm...Good!

Day Sixty-Eight...Grading is Done!

2008-03-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

Now, I just have to enter the grades in the gradebook. YAY, me! But, I'm gonna do that tomorrow.

Reading some of my students' work has shown me some great insight into their lives. One student said his favorite memory was when his family was together and that a lot of his sadness comes from the fact that it's just him, his sister and his dad left. Never knew that. Another student said her favorite memory was going the the bahamas for a family vacation and she was shocked when she didn't see any white people. She felt kinda afraid/weirded out. She's black. Funny how she and I could have had the same reaction to different experiences.

Also, these writings gave me insight into their abilities, past education and potential. First and foremost, I believe EVERY ONE of my kids has the potential to be a great success...in and out of school. They just have to rise above their circumstances and choose to do great things. With that said, it really is a shame that most of these kids will graduate without achieving what they could really achieve. Hmmm...

Day Sixty-Seven...Greetings from Gimps-ville!

2008-03-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

So, I found out last week that I either chipped the bone or a stress fracture in my ankle. So, I have a boot that I have to wear for 4 - 6 weeks or so. Fortunately, I can still go swimming, but I can't do the weight training circuit, nor the treadmill in the gym. Sad...well, not so sad, because I can do the upper body weight training and swimming and still get my workout in every day. And, really, this thing is so heavy that just walking with it is a workout in itself!

We're also beginning a new construction project at my house. We're adding some rooms for some family to move in. It'll be very cool! But, I can't do as much as I wanted to because of my foot. But, it'll still be fun watching it progress!

Ok, well, I have to correct papers and set up my gradebook...kthxbye!

Day Sixty-Six...Another Year Older

2008-02-17T21:13:00.000-08:00

So, today was my birthday. I feel no different than I did yesterday...or last week...or last month...or last year. I don't feel any wiser...I don't feel any more experienced in life. I do, however, feel more loved, more cherished, more appreciated, more in touch with my friends and family. I feel much more settled. I feel like I finally belong where I am. I'm teaching...I'm loving my family...I'm loving my friends (who, incidentally, have become my chosen family) and I couldn't be any more satisfied. I do wish I was married. I do wish I had children of my own, but I am content for right now, knowing that God will bring those things into my life at the perfect time.

So, God met at church today. If you read my previous post about 5th period, you know that I've been struggling with what to do with them...struggling to get them to behave...getting them to do, really, anything. Well, it seems that when I am at my wits end, God meets me there. When I end, He begins. When I am empty of ideas, that's where He is able to step in and take up where I cannot. My Pastor has consistently reminded me (and the rest of the congregation) that I am in full time ministry. I work at Renton High Community Church. That is where I pastor. That is where my ministry is located. My students are my congregation. My staff are my congregation. They are my sheep. I have been placed there to show God to them. Well, again, Pastor Dan reminded me that I am in full time ministry and that my school is my congregation. Suddenly, God told me that my job in 5th period is to not lose my temper...not let them push my buttons, but to turn each resistance into an opportunity. So, I asked, "an opportunity for what, Lord?" He told me, "an opportunity for love and acceptance. Let them know you love them. Make them understand you're not going anywhere. Be their stability. Be their constant. Be their safe place." WOW. My entire attitude and outlook on those students melted into one of compassion, love and grace. Instead of dreading 5th period, I am actually looking forward to going back and engaging them. It will be a challenge and I will fail, but that's what God's grace and mercy are for. By leaning onto and into Him, I will have the strength to be that pillar for my kids. Thank you, Lord, for speaking to me.

God also met me for some emotional and spiritual dryness I've been experiencing lately. I've felt a bit disconnected from people lately. And, I know it's me...nothing anyone's done to "drive me away", but I've felt a little disconnected. I've been feeling down, too, with Valentine's Day and all of the hullabaloo about being in love and having a companion to come home to. I spent Valentines Day with my brother, eating Chinese take-out and watching a movie. Now, I absolutely LOVE my brother and LOVE hanging out with him. But the fact that we were with each other instead of a sweetheart...that was kinda depressing for both of us. At least we had each other, but really...it kinda stank...for both of us. It would really be nice to have a sweetheart. We're lonely. We're getting older. And, on Sunday, I told God so. I was really upset about it all. It sucked having another birthday without someone special in my life. It sucked not having a sweetheart to buy you flowers or have a necklace to drape around your neck. It sucked to go through Valentine's Day as a single person...when nearly ALL my students had at least candy from their friends. ARGH! Well, like I said, I told God about it. And, being God, He was compassionate toward me. I know He loves me. And, He proved it to me. Pastor Dan invited everyone who had a need...spiritual, physical, emotional...to come up for ministry from the Body. I went forward and a woman named Gwen came and prayed for me. I only told her my name...nothing else. And...WOW...the prayer she prayed...straight from God. He, through Gwen, told me that the path He has me on is for a reason. He's got a plan for me that will bring His name so much more glory than could ever be imagined. He told me that the road I have been on has not been for me, but for others. My life would be a testimony to His faithfulness...His grace...His mercy...His provision...His protection...and His love. I've never had so much revealed to me. I've always thought that my life may be used to help others, but to have someone else prophesy that over me...WOW. Quite interesting. It gave me a LOT to think about and a lot of hope.

So, now, I can honestly say that I am content with where I am and who I have become. Yes, there are things I would like to change in my life. But, if I were to change those things, I would change God's purpose in my life and would miss the joy of ministering to others.

Day Sixty-Five...Feeling Much Better!

2008-02-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

So, today was the last day of school before mid-winter break! I'm so happy! These last 2 weeks have been VERY stressful. It's been difficult for me to take over a class of under-achievers, not knowing where they are as far as their skill leve is concerned, and from a teacher that left me not a lot of structure. It would be very different if I came in at the beginning of the year. I could have established my classroom the way I wanted it from the beginning...instead of taking over for the former teacher. Most of the time, I get "But we never did it THAT way...we did it THIS way." ARGH! But, I think that taking this week-long break to do some creative collaborating and making my lesson plans, establishing a behavior contract and setting consequences for breaking that contract, I think things can only get better.

Wednesday, after 5th period, I cried because I was at my wits end. My kids were AWFUL! Specifically 5th period was awful. I spent my entire planning period and lunch hour (ok, so it's not a real hour...it's 30 minutes...but, I digress!) creating a Jeopardy-styled game for the kids because I knew they couldn't sit and read for a full 90 minutes. So, I took questions from the book they are going to read and made it so they had to find the answer in the book. That way, they ALL didn't have to read ALL the book and it gave them some competitive motivation. The winner got a bag of chocolate to share amongst their teammates. So, I had 3 students out of 27 who were participating. The rest of them were just talking amongst themselves, not paying attention and very much disrespecting me and my rules. So, I was so fed up with feeling like I was talking to the wall that I told them they had a choice either they could read the chapters in the book and write their 2 paragraph response to each chapter (for a total of 8 paragraphs) or they could read the chapter book and write a 6 paragraph response...by the end of the period...but that I was going to have it silent for the remainder of the period. So, I went and sat at my desk and tried not to show them how upset I was. Finally, class was over and they left (fortunately, it was the last period for the day) and I just broke down. I cried because I thought...Oh-My-Goodness...I have the rest of the year...nearly 4 more months with these kids. How am I going to survive? How am I going to get them to learn ANYTHING when they won't SHUT UP AND DO THEIR WORK? My department chair came in and I unloaded on her. She gave me the name and email of the new teacher mentor for the school and suggested I chat with her about strategies that I could use to make the rest of the year better. So, I actually met with her today after school. It was a bittersweet meeting. First, because I've taught in a full time position before, I don't get to participate formally in the mentorship program (that's the bitter part...I shot myself in the foot by working in Idaho for the year I did...nice!). Second, I was welcome to come to the meetings and 'debrief' if I would like (the sweet part...I can come and meet with the other 3 new teachers and talk about positive and negative things that are happening in the classroom).

So, overall, it was a good meeting. I got 2 strategies that I'm going to use. First, I'm going to use Warm-Up Notebooks. It's a task that all students do at the beginning of the period to gain control of the class and will direct the class time. Then, for behavior, I'm going to establish a behavior/expectation contract between me and my students. That will lay the groundwork for discipline issues. If each student signs the contract, they are then bound by their signature and word that they will abide by the agreement. If they don't, they have chosen the consequences, which also will be outlined in the contract.

So, I think it's going to get better from here...

Day Sixty-Four...I'm Sick

2008-02-11T16:38:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for the last week. Monday evening, I had a bit of a scratchy throat, but I took some airborne and zicam. I felt better Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday, I started feeling a little worse. So, I went to the doctor. He told me I just had a cold and to drink some warm tea and lemon. He did give me an inhaler for my breathing, but basically patted me on the head and sent me on my way. Well, I got home and told Moob about it. She said, "I hope you didn't get the guy who has one who has one of his eyes looking sideways. He's the one that misdiagnosed my severely inflamed gall bladder as just pooh." Uh...yeah, that was him!

So, Friday I felt horrible! I had a runny nose, itchy throat, cough, fever, watery eyes. Oh, yeah, did I mention the fact I was wheezing? And, my joints ached and I was SO sore! So, I came home and pretty much went right to bed. I slept from 7:30 on Friday night to 12:30 on Saturday afternoon. Mom called to check up on me and woke me up. She said I should go to the doctor and get a 2nd opinion. So, I did. This doctor, whom I've had before, said I had an infection in my lungs. He gave me a nebulizer treatment with albuterol, then prescribed steroids for the inflamation and infection. So, I took the meds and immediately felt better. Well, at least the body aches were gone and the fever was down. I was able to get up on Sunday at about 10 and work all day on my lesson plans for this coming week.

Fast forward to this morning at 5:00. I woke up and the body aches were back. I should have listened to my body yesterday and taken a nap. I didn't make it in to work today. Fortunately, I have sick days I can use. After this time of year, I'll be fine and won't need many of them.

So, I'm working more on my lesson plans for next week and the following weeks. It's very fun getting all of this together. I have to present some of my lessons to the Articulation Coordinator at Seattle Central Community College in order to become an Approved Educator for the SCCC/High School Credit Program. That is where students who take my classes, do some extra Deaf Community and Interaction activities, and earn a B or better, can get college credit and not have to take the prerequisites when they get to college. So, that's why I have to get my lessons together. I have an appointment with the coordinator on February 21...that's during my mid-winter break.

Ok...I'm taking a break from the computer for a while. I've sprouted roots into the couch.

And Then There's This!

2008-02-06T17:47:00.001-08:00

If Only...

2008-02-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

...All restaurants were like this!

Day Sixty-Three...First Day

2008-01-29T14:54:00.000-08:00

So, I didn't sleep more than about 3 hours last night in anticipation of today! It was my first day as the full time ASL teacher at Renton High. I was tossing and turning, trying not to think about how excited I was about starting this new adventure in my life. I started thinking of all the interviews I had gone on...all the people I had met...all the jobs I HADN'T gotten. It all made me kind of wonder what God had up his sleeve for me. What was it that I needed to learn by going through all the waiting and waiting for a job? Patience. Confidence. Trust. Faith. Hope. Timing. Dependence. Completely leaning on Him for my well-being. Sure, he used people in my life (thanks mom and dad!), but it was only by His Grace that those people were able to help me. Faithfulness. Unabashed perseverence. Telling doubters (which at times, included myself!) that God had a plan for my life and I wasn't about to stray from that.

Ok...gotta get on the road before traffic hits.

Stay tuned...

Day Sixty-Two...Permanency

2008-01-23T20:01:00.000-08:00

So, beginning tomorrow, I'm in my ASL class full time. I'm conducting the final interviews with my students so I can get to know them as students, as well as their signing styles and levels. It'll be good.

I am a little nervous because they all love their current teacher. I am also a little nervous because there is so much more to teach than when I was in Idaho. And a LOT more expectations. I can't just fake it!

I've made a decision, though. I'm going to have as many Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing people come into my classroom as guest speakers as possible. Many of these students have never met a Deaf person before, so it will be their first experience. I want to give them as much exposure as possible.

But, as nervous as I am, I'm even MORE excited! I have a great job! I just got my benefit card in the mail. As soon as I get my transcripts into the HR office, I'll get more pay. The commute so early in the morning isn't so bad...an hour at most! And I used to commute to Seattle in that time when I worked downtown. So...

KTHNXBY