Day Fifty-Six...So Much Love

So, here it is, just after midnight. I'm sitting in bed reading an amazing book when I get a knock on my bedroom door. It's Millyra, Queen of the Glittering Caves. She is famous for staying up late even though Moob has told her to go to be 2 1/2 hours ago! I tell her to come in and she bursts into tears. Today is Sunday. She spent time with her father. He took her to dinner and a movie...which is normal. He usually comes after church and stays until about 7 or so. Every time, Millyra struggles with saying good-bye. Ever time, she cries. Every time, she gets into a funk because she is starting to realize that even if he "says" he'll see her soon, that doesn't always happen. Take Christmas, for example. Their tradition, as father and daughter, is stay up late, until midnight, on Christmas eve, then open gifts from each other. He told her that was going to happen again this year. She was SO excited! She had been saving her money to actually pick out the gifts she got everyone. Impressive for being just shy of 11 years old. Anyway, he called a few days before and said his plans had changed and he'd come on the 23rd (Sunday), spend the night, and leave no later than 4 on the 24th...their traditional Christmas eve. Millyra was devastated. Fortunately, Moob (and the rest of us) were able to smooth things over with her, promising to have the BEST Christmas eve at GG's and Christmas day at our house. She was good. So, he finally gets here, takes her shopping for her gifts (which is better than trying to pick them out himself...he doesn't know her very well) and came home. Then, he lost his keys. He thought maybe at the store, but couldn't find them anywhere. So, because it was dark, he waited until the morning to worry about it. However, in the morning, he took off...without Millyra...on her Christmas with him...and went to the car shop to see about getting a key made. When they told him it would be $130, he came back and spent nearly all day taking apart his steering column so he could be sure to start the car with a screwdriver so he could leave. When he was asked what was so important that he would do that to his daughter, he said he was going to a party with his cousins and that took priority. Millyra was so bored that day, she ended up going with Dilibrirth to her house to drop off some ingredients to Sulla (my bro and the bestest uncle in the world to Millyra). Millyra preferred to hang with Grandma and Uncle to watching her father tear apart a car. Understandable? Yes. Shameful on his part? Abdolutely! Should she have had to choose? Heck, no, techno. She's 10 for crap's sake. She doesn't understand that he views her as an accessory. He doesn't know how to parent her. He comes up out of duty, not because he can't live without seeing her. And what's more (and this is strictly my observation and interpretation), he comes up to make sure Moob doesn't think she's "won". Really, she has "won" because Millyra knows that Moob is her safety and stability and Millyra is starting to figure out that her father is not. And soon...

I guess, for me, the hardest part is to see someone that you love so much, and think of as one of your own, suffering through being treated as less than the Beauty and Cherished child she is. I couldn't live without seeing my children. I would do anything and everything in my power to make sure I had a relationship with them. I couldn't view them as a duty...it's absolutely absurd. Millyra is so cherished...and I'm going to make sure she doesn't doubt that for one fraction of a second. She is going to grow up with the most confidence. Not cockiness, but inner strength and assurance that, first, she is a child of God...a princess...and second, that she has so many people that care for her and would do anything to show she was loved, she'll never lack for it.

I promise!

Day Fifty-Five...The Lord's Prayer

Our Father Who Art In Heaven. . .

Yes?

Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.

But -- you called ME!

Called you? No, I didn't call you. I'm praying. Our Father who art in Heaven.

There -- you did it again!

Did what?

Called ME. You said, "Our Father who art in Heaven" Well, here I am. What's on your mind?

But I didn't mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord's Prayer. It makes me feel good, Kind of like fulfilling a duty.

Well, all right. Go on.

Okay, Hallowed be thy name . . .

Hold it right there. What do you mean by that?

By what? By "Hallowed be thy name"? It means, it means . Good grief, I don't know what it means. How in the world should I know? It's just a part of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean?

It means honored, holy, wonderful.

Hey, that makes sense. I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before. Thanks. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, On earth as it is in Heaven.

Do you really mean that?

Sure, why not?

What are you doing about it ?

Doing? Why, nothing, I guess. I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control of everything down here like you have up there. We're kinda in a mess down here you know.

Yes, I know; But, have I got control of you?

Well, I go to church.

That isn't what I asked you. What about your bad temper? You've really got a problem there, you know. And then there's the way you spend your money -- All on yourself. And what about the kind of books you read?

Now hold on just a minute! Stop picking on me! I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church!

Excuse ME. I thought you were praying for My will to be done. If that is to happen, It will have to start with the ones Who are praying for it. Like you -- for example.

Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others.

So could I.

I haven't thought about it very much until now, But I really would like to cut out some of those things. I would like to, you know, be really free.

Good. Now we're getting somewhere. We'll work together -- You and ME. I'm proud of You.

Look, Lord, if you don't mind, I need to finish up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does. Give us this day, our daily bread.

You need to cut out the bread You're overweight as it is.

Hey, wait a minute! What is this? Here I was doing my religious duty, And all of a sudden you break in And remind me of all my hang-ups.

Praying is a dangerous thing. You just might get what you ask for. Remember, You called ME -- and here I am. It's too late to stop now. Keep praying. ( . . Pause . ) Well, go on.

I'm scared to.

Scared? Of what?

I know what you'll say.

Try ME.

Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.

What about Ann?

See? I knew it! I knew you would bring her up! Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories. She never paid back the money she owes me. I've sworn to get even with her!

But -- your prayer -- What about your prayer?

I didn't -- mean it.

Well, at least you're honest. But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness and resentment isn't it?

Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her. Boy, have I got some plans for her. She'll wish she had never been born.

No, you won't feel any better. You'll feel worse. Revenge isn't sweet. You know how unhappy you are -- Well, I can change that.

You can? How?

Forgive Ann. Then, I'll forgive you; And the hate and the sin, will be Ann's problem -- not yours. You will have settled the problem as far as you are concerned.

Oh, you know, you're right. You always are. And more than I want revenge, I want to be right with You . . (sigh). All right all right . . I forgive her.

There now! Wonderful! How do you feel?

Hmmmm. Well, not bad Not bad at all! In fact, I feel pretty great! You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight. I haven't been getting much rest, you know.

Yeah, I know. But, you're not through with your prayer are you? Go on.

Oh, all right. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Good! Good! I'll do that. Just don't put yourself in a place where you can be tempted.

What do you mean by that?

You know what I mean.

Yeah. I know.

Okay. Go ahead. Finish your prayer.

For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.

Do you know what would bring me glory -- What would really make me happy?

No, but I'd like to know. I want to please you now. I've really made a mess of things. I want to truly follow you. I can see now how great that would be. So , tell me . . . How do I make you happy?

YOU just did.

Day Fifty-Four...I got the job...I got the job...I GOT THE JOB!

So, I was just offered the ASL job at Renton High! I start January 7th. I'll sub for 2 weeks within the district. That way my contract will start immediately and my qualification for benefits starts right away. Then I'll have 1 week transition in the ASL class. Then I'll take over on the 28th.

Finally...something has come easy. Thank you, God, for hearing the cries of Your child and being faithful to answer. I love you!

Talked With Moob...

...Feeling lots better

Day Fifty-Three...Musings of the Holidays

I've decided that I really don't like the Christmas season. Not that I don't like celebrating the fact that my Savior came to earth as a baby, lived among us, grew, ministered, and ultimately died for the sins I would commit 2000 years later. I'm ok with that part. It's all the tradition I can't stand. Maybe I need to up my meds this time of year, but, I really can't stand being alone (in the un-married, no children kind of way). It is this time of year I feel most distant from everyone in my life. I can't explain why it is...I'm just really having a hard time with it all. I don't even have a place to hang my stocking that feels right. It's a family stocking. Where do I hang it when I'm just a family of one? I can see how Grandma might feel being alone at the holidays. No one to play "Santa" with or for. You know, I've been on 4 dates since I was 15 years old. Four. Not four each year...four in the last 16 years. And the last jerk fell asleep during the movie we went to see. He was so bored around me that even the action flick we went to see couldn't keep him awake.

I don't want to be the old lady you hear about in the news that died completely alone with just her cats to usher her into the afterlife.

I'm tired of feeling not important. I'm tired of feeling...I'm just tired. Tired of life being so much work. I'd like just one or two things to happen easily.

I don't know how Job did it. He lost everything and never once blamed God. I don't blame God either. I just wonder what His big picture looks like.

Am I using my education to prove to everyone (any myself) I'm not the loser I feel like? Am I going after that so hard to fill the emptiness in my life? Am I fooling myself into thinking that's what God wants me to do? Get my education? I don't know. Is that a bad thing? I don't
know.

Did I miss something? Is there something I'm doing or not doing that is messing up my whole life?

I don't know...

Day Fifty-Two...Contemplations

So, for applying for my Doctoral Degree, I have to come up with a goal statement. I've been thinking about what my goals are. I honestly haven't thought about them past teaching. I want a job in a classroom, specifically teaching ASL or Deaf Ed. But, beyond that? Do I want to go beyond that? Would I like to eventually teach at the college/university level? Would I find fulfillment in that? Would I like to obtain a position of leadership at a school district? I could become a DHH Program Manager. That would be interesting. Would I find fulfillment in that? More importantly, is that where God wants me? I don't know. I've always thought my education would stop after my Masters degree. Now, I'm thinking I want to go farther, but what would I DO with that degree?

Here's where prayer and fasting comes into play...hearing God's voice amongst the busyness of life.

Day Fifty-One...I'b Got A Stuffy Dose

I woke up this morning with a cold, stuffy nose, fever, sore/scratchy throat. I haven't been sick in a while, so I had forgotten how MISERABLE it is! I feel better now...my fever was gone at about noon...but I'm still very tired. Here it is 9:30 and I'm in bed getting ready to go to sleep. Strange, isn't it? I'm even skipping The Biggest Loser finale to go to bed. Granted, I've got it recording so I can watch it later, but, still...

On a funnier note, I subbed at Harbour Pointe Middle School (6 minutes from my house...great commute!) on Monday and for the rest of this week (didn't go today because I was sick). Sixth grade math...not my best subject, but, I took it anyway. So, I get there Monday morning and my first class comes in. I introduce myself and begin taking attendance. I get about 2/3 of the way down and there is a name I recognize. It was my youngest cousin, Luke! I didn't see him come in, so it surprised me! I didn't comment or anything because I didn't want to embarass him in front of his friends, but, it was kinda funny! I'm not sure if he recognized me right away because I was out of our common element (no one expects to see their cousin as their teacher!), but he HAD to know who I was by my last name. It's our Grandmother's last name, too. Anyway,
we'll see what happens tomorrow morning!

Kthxbye

Day Fifty...A Job For Alatariel

I had an interview with the Renton school district yesterday for a full time ASL position starting in January. It went very well...as most of my interviews do. The interview team asked the typical questions...tell us about your background...what qualifies you for this position...how do you handle discipline issues, etc. And, I answered them to the best of my ability. But, this interview felt a little different. First, felt very comfortable. Usually, my hands are sweating, my pulse is racing, I'm stumbling all over my words. This time, I didn't. It felt like I was just chatting with friends about who I am as a teeacher and my passions. A few times they said things that I wasn't really expecting like, "we can show you the facility if you'd like" and you'll be replacing a very organized teacher" and "when you start in January..." and, at first those things didn't seem significant to me, so I filed them in the back of my mind. At the end, they gave me a chance to ask my own questions. I asked how many people were in the applicant pool. The CTE director said that was a two-answer question. He said there were a lot of applicants, but I was the one they were interested in interviewing. My (internal) jaw dropped and I nearly peed my
pants...ok, not really, but I felt like jumping out of my seat! So...it sounds like if my references check out, the job is mine! And, it's only for this school year because it's how the contract system works, then they have to post it, but if I like them and they like me, that is just a formality and they'll turn it into a continuing contract!

So, it seems VERY promising! If you think about it this weekend and the first part of next week, please pray I get this job. It'll be a commute, but, it'll be a full time job, paid through the summer. Also, this program also fully, 100% supports the development of the ASL program, including...ahhhhh.....prospective trips to Washington DC to Gallaudet! Yay! So, in all, it seems like the best job for me right now!

I'll keep you all posted!

Day Forty-Nine...And The Winner Is...

It looks like the University of Washington has the best program for a Doctoral degree. They have a Doctor of Education (Ed.D) degree in Special Education and I can place emphasis on Deaf Ed. I've been researching online programs, but they don't exist. I talked with Malinda, my professor/advisor from Nebraska and she told me that I should find a program near me because there is a LOT of student/professor interaction that has to happen with this sort of program. So, I looked at my undergrad university, SPU, and they have an on-campus program, but it's VERY expensive! So, as much as I'd LOVE to go back there, I don't think I can. So, I've been looking at local schools...mainly UW. They have a few doctoral programs...Ph.D.s and Ed.D.s...so, I could choose Education, Special Education, Curriculum and Instruction, and something else...I can't remember. But, I'd probably choose Education or Special Education...that would enable me to get a teaching job at a university...which would be VERY cool! And, the cost is a LOT less.

Now, here's where it becomes an issue. Do I take out MORE student loans or do I say, "Ok, God...if you want me to do this, you have to pay for it?" Do I take it as a sign that if I DON'T get full funding without loans that God doesn't want me to pursue this? Do I bite it off and see what happens? Moob and I were talking about it tonight...she asked, "If you don't get any funding and you have to take all of your tuition/books/supplies, etc., out with student loans, are you willing to do so?" I don't know...honestly. I would LOVE to do it. I feel really excited and peaceful about pursuing the idea. I have some phone calls to make. Maybe I can set up an appointment with an advisor at UW and talk face-to-face with someone about it. That would answer some of the questions.

Day Forty-Eight...You're The One That I Want

This is hysterical! What a smart dog!

Day Forty-Seven...Bored

So, I just sent a bunch of applications to the Seattle School District, hoping to find a permanent position for the rest of the school year. I REALLY want to teach...

I've been hanging out, taking care of Moob. It's really showed me how much I care for her. She's become my best friend...I didn't think I could care so much for someone after the "Idaho" incident (although, that issue is slowly resolving itself, too). I don't believe in "having" best friends, but "being" best a best friend. But, Moob and I have become like sisters. It's been so amazing to see our friendship grow...I'm very thankful...

I have an interview in Seattle today. It's for a 5th grade position in Alki. We'll see...

Day Forty-Six...Prayer in School!

TEACHER INTERVIEW After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:

"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me....NOT TO PRAY!!

Day Forty-Five...Back Home

Moob was in the hospital, the ER to be specific on Friday night for pain in her abdomen. She had been off work since last Monday (a week ago) with the same pain, continually getting worse over time. She went to the walk-in clinic on Wednesday and the idiot doctor there told her she was just "full of poo" (his words, not hers!). He poked around in there, squeezing her tummy, making her hurt a LOT! He sent her home, telling her to take laxitives and try to poo everything out. So, she did...and it didn't work. In fact, it got worse. She was in a LOT of pain. So, Friday night, she called my mom and asked if she could be taken to the ER. Once they got there, she was pretty much diagnosed right away with an inflamed gall bladder and stones. So, they admitted her after 10 hours in the ER and performed surgery on Saturday morning. She (we) stayed the night from Saturday to Sunday and came home Sunday afternoon.

She's still in some pain, so she's been sleeping in the front living room on her bed. We brought it down so she could still be "in the family" and not be holed up in her room for 2 weeks (her anticipated recovery time). I'm sleeping on the couch, taking the night shift for helping her out of bed and making sure the dog doesn't jump on her during the night. But, she's VERY happy that it's done and she's on the mend...a little frustrated at the walk-in clinic doctor...poking around, making it worse, but...(do I hear the word lawsuit?)

K...off to do numbers! Blech!