Tragedy

So, I was out shopping with Grey Cloak today when I got an emergency
call from work. They said the needed me down south for an emergency room
visit. I gladly accepted and put shopping on hold. I get there and go in
to find that another person had been there before me. Great! My client
hadn't been without services. However...that service-provider was
nowhere to be found. I guess she had left while the client needed a
moment of privacy, but had been gone over 15 minutes. So, I arrive to
see my client in bed with a nurse trying to communicate WITHOUT a
service-provider. I was livid! How could a service-provider just LEAVE
and not be able to be found...ESPECIALLY in the ER?!?! Ooh, I was angry.
But, I was there and could take over. Whew!

So, my client. He is deaf and legally blind. The previous
service-provider didn't inform me of this...I learned it on my own. So,
naturally I adjusted my communication strategies, which was great!
Finally, he was able to communicate.

The more I'm sitting here, the more I'm upset with ER care. I understand
they're busy, but it feels like the other 2 patients are getting quite a
bit more attention than my client. The staff here have checked on the
other 2 several times and mine once in the 2 hours I've been here. Other
times, I've had to go flag someone down. My client has asked for
something to eat 4 times. FINALLY, the staff ordered him a meal. I have
no idea when it'll get here and the man is hungry!

So, that's my rant about ER services. Now, on to the condition of my
client. He came in because he inhaled some smoke from a fire. I suspect
(from my observations) that he has zero income and very little services
from the state. He lives alone. He should either be living in assisted
living or in his own home with in-home care. He does not get that
service. He needs help with his daily care. His fingernails are long and
have dirt accumulated underneath. He has long, unkempt hair and beard.
His eyes are all red and goopy. And right now, I don't think he
understands what's going on around him. I think he's on survival mode.
He's hungry and doesn't know what to do.

And, I don't know what else to do for him.

The Switch-a-roo!

So, I'm cleaning out the computer room in order to make the bedroom switch. Wait, did I tell you about that? Ok, so I'm going to be a foster mom. I'm going to switch bedrooms so my kids can have more room and I can have more kids. So, I'm going to move into the computer room, Sulla is going to move into my current bedroom, and I'll have my kids in the biggest room. The reason for the move is because the state requires 50 square feet of living space per child in a bedroom. My current room is 96 square feet. That would be good for one child. I want to have more than that. I want to be licensed for up to 3 children. So, if I had kids, I could only have one kid in that room. It's 4 square feet too small! LOL! So, I talked with Sulla and he said he'd be willing to move into that room in order for the kids to have his room which is 100 square feet. I can have 2 kids in that room. I even have bunk beds! I plan to get 2 dressers, one for each child. Then, like I said, I'm moving into the computer room. That's the smallest room and it doesn't have a closet. I can have an infant in my room up until the age of 12 months. So, I can have up to 3 kids at once.

So, anyway, back to the bedroom switch. I've been cleaning out the computer room so I can move into it. Well, I didn't get it done in time. So, I've been sleeping on the hide-a-bed, a mattress on the floor, the floor, then a mattress on the floor again! Ok, let me explain. A friend of mine just moved out of transitional housing after coming out of rehab. He needed a bed. I had a bed. I knew I was going to move into the new room and have a smaller bed anyway, so I said he could take it. He did. My plan was to have the new room clean by that weekend so I could bring up the new bed and sleep there. Well...that didn't happen. I planned to do it the following weekend. Again, didn't happen! I had to work, family stuff, and just plain laziness! And, I kinda hit a wall. Not really a wall, but a blocking point. The stuff in the computer room has reached critical mass! There is SO much stuff in there and I have NO idea what to do with it...where to put it. It had become the catch-all room for everything we didn't know what to do with from the front part of the house. So, it had computer parts, laundry, nicnacks, garbage, etc., and I needed to find a home for it. It's still not finished, but it's well on its way. In fact, Greycloak and I are going to work on it tomorrow. We should be able to get it completely finished tomorrow, with my bed up, laundry done, dresser, bookshelf, night stand moved in, cleaned and vacuumed. So, by tomorrow night, I should be sleeping on a real bed! YAY!

Then, comes the "cleaning-out-the-old-room" part...and that's no fun!

Sigh...

Sixty-Nine Percent...Might Be Good Enough!

So, I found out that I need 500 out of 800 on the written part of the RID NIC test. That's 62 percent. I got 69 percent on the practice test. I'd LOVE to get a higher percent, but if it only takes a 62 percent, I might take the test sooner rather than later.

Cool...

Sixty-Nine Percent...Not Good Enough! LOL!

There is a test I have to pass in order to earn my certification for the Registery of Interpreters for the Deaf (RID). I got the practice written test today. I took that test today. I only got about 69%. Although I can't exactly get an exact number, I don't think a C- is good enough to get the certification. Sad...

But, at least I can figure out the areas from which I need to study. So far, it's more about terminology, vernacular, and history. I did pretty well on the educational part (duh) and the culture part. And, I have some books from which I can study and hopefully improve my knowledge.

Now, the performance test, I don't think I'm going to tackle right now. I've taken a look at the DVD and need more time to learn the format. The focus of the interview assessment is on the RID Code of Professional Conduct and its tenets. A scenario is presented and three questions are asked: 1) what is the conflict, 2) what will you do, and 3) why did you make that choice? I DEFINITELY need to study the tenets...which I can do with the books I have. The performance test consists of a mock interpreting situation in which you are voicing for a Deaf woman and signing for two hearing people. It is a real-life situation and the assessors want to see how you perform. I'll probably practice that in the next week or so.

On another note, it's going to cost me less money than I thought to take the test. Because I'm a member of RID, I get a discount. My discount brings the two-part test down to just under $500. Ya, it seems a bit high, but really, it's how the flakes are weeded out. Only those who are willing to make a $500 investment in their career are seen as the best in the business. That's me. I just have to figure out where to come up with an extra $500.

Any takers? LOL!

OK, I'm going to bed now. I have to work! LOL!

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

Doubting Thomas got a bad rap. I started writing a song a few months
ago. It's still incomplete, but it talks about my unbelief. I've been
through the peaks and valleys where I've experienced God's provision.
Living situations...college...graduate school...Idaho (*shiver*)...and
even more recently with the situation in my last house
(**double-shiver**). But, there have always been times where I've
questioned God. I've never had that child-like faith where, in the
midst of life's chaos, I can SEE my Father's hand. Afterward I can see
it. Scripture says "Blessed are they that do not see yet still
believe." But you know what? Those people are in the minority. I want
to be one of those, but I don't know how. I need to see the nails. I
need to put my hand in His side.

Sigh...

So, I had to ask for help. I asked Tamuríl, my friend and Pastor's
Wife, for some wise counsel. Let me take a moment to tell you about
Tamuríl. Tamuríl and Elrohir are the Pastors of my church. I've been
going there for about a month. I started out going pretty regularly in
October of 07 for Bible study with my friend Nienna. I fell in love
with these women and they have been my friends since. Unfortunately, I
had to stop going in January of 08 because Bible study went until 9:00,
I didn't get home until 9:30, in bed by 10:00, asleep by 11:00 and I had
to be up by 5:00 to commute to Renton every day. This was before my
sleep apnoea diagnosis and treatment, so 6 hours of sleep a night wasn't
NEARLY enough. But, I started going again about a month ago. I came to
Sunday service and surprised everyone. And have gone since (except once
when I was sick). So, Tamuríl has become my friend and confidante. I
love her. I trust her. I know she has my best interest at heart.

Anyway, last Friday after Bible study, I asked her advice on a serious
situation. I laid everything out: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I
told her what I wanted to do and why. And I told her why I shouldn't do
that. Then, I asked for her counsel. She didn't tell me what to do.
She told me she would fast and pray for me. I was kinda disappointed
because I wanted her to jump behind me and support what I wanted to do.
But...in the long run, it was a good thing she didn't. I've been able
to pray, listen, pray some more, ask God for certain things to happen if
He wants me to do one thing and other things to happen if He wants me to
do another. It's been very enlightening into God's character and how He
uses people to show that to you. Throughout the day, Tamuríl sent me
scriptures. All these scriptures told me to "rest in Him" and "cast
your cares" and "don't worry". Well, I'm not a worrier. Ask anyone!
It's one of my faults! But I was worried about this situation. I
wanted to jump, but was worried about making the wrong
decision...disappointing my family...hurting us financially. But God
used Tamuríl to communicate His care for me and my worry because I
wasn't in a place to see it. He was able to give me a glimpse of His
character as my Abba. He calmed me down enough to think. He held me
tight enough to feel secure and comforted. He quieted me down enough so
I could begin to hear His voice through the calamity.

So, did I get my answer? Yes and no. No, I didn't get the answer I was
looking for. But, yes, I got the answer to a question I didn't know I
needed to ask.

God is THAT faithful.

And, let me clarify. I was asking God for a Yes or No answer. What he
gave me was the calmness and peace I needed to avoid a rash decision.

God is THAT in tune to what I need.

I'm just waiting for one last bit of confirmation before I make my
move. But I have such peace and serenity about it that I'm
just...speechless.

God is THAT good.

Life...Sucks...Ducks

So, since my last post, I've discovered that I am just not quite cut out for this life. I am very overwhelmed. I just don't quite know what to do. Here's a few things that have been going on.

1) I fell at work. I work graveyard shifts. That means, I work by myself. About a month ago, the toilet at my client's apartment was overflowing. The maintenance man came by, removed the toilet, figured out what was wrong, and repositioned the toilet. Well...he didn't put it back on correctly. Naturally. How does this connect with me falling at work? Wait for it...ok, so the night after the toilet was fixed, I went in to use the bathroom and fell in a puddle of water. I fell on my butt, hit my head on the open door, and my right arm on the vanity. I had no idea where the water came from. So, even after falling and being in pain from the fall, I cleaned up the water. I had to. I don't work with anyone else. It's just me. I'm all by myself...get the picture? Well, after I was finished, I still had to go to the bathroom. I did, flushed, and water came spurting out of the base of the toilet. Nice. Again, I had to clean it up, on my hands and knees...all the while, I was in pain, fighting a headache, backache and sore arm. Called my boss, told her what happened. Called the doctor, he told me I couldn't go back to work the following night. So, I've been off work since February 21.

2) Last Sunday, I was coming home from running errands and I caused an accident. It wasn't very bad, but it put me back to where I was when I fell. So, I couldn't go back to work (not really that sad), but I'm back in pain again.

3) Grey Cloak is still ill. He hasn't worked for over a year. He's been sick since June. I'm not expecting him to go back to work. I don't even want him to go back to the field. It would be GREAT if he could get something at the Union Hall, teaching new apprentices all his tricks. THAT would be awesome! Dilibirith is not able to work. She's been unable to work for years. I don't expect her to go to work either. If she can, we're going to get her set up on eBay or CraigsList and sell some of her cards. She's VERY good and could probably make some good money.

Sulla...now that's another story. I'm so fed up with him...I could just SPIT! I'm not sure if I'm fed up with HIM or the situation. It's hard to tell. He's been out of work since last year, too. Part of it has been because he was fired and hasn't been able to get a new job. Part of it, he claims, is his medical issues. Ok, but I have medical issues. Here...let's look at them.

He has depression.
He has anxiety.
He has sleep apnea.
He's severely obese.
He has migraines.
He has regular headaches.

I have depression.
I don't have anxiety.
I have sleep apnea.
I'm severely obese.
I have migraines.
I have regular headaches.

But, I do I have arthritis in my back.
I also have Fibromyalgia.
I also have TMJ/TMD.
I also have a fallen arch in my right foot that makes it VERY difficult (not to mention, painful) to walk.

Now, he doesn't do anything around the house if he doesn't want to because he has "off days". But, I'm expected to work, cook, clean (ok, I don't do much cleaning), laundry, create the menus, go GET the food, bring it home, pack it, freeze it, put it away, organize the pantry, make the juice, take care of Dilibirith...getting the picture?

So, I do a LOT around here. And, he doesn't. Now, I completely understand not being ABLE to do much. But, it seems like he is ABLE to do what he WANTS to do. Case in point: yesterday, a friend called asking for Sulla to work on his truck so he can move to Oregon. Well, naturally, that's something that Sulla is interested in, so naturally, he said yes. In fact, when I asked Sulla last night, after being out all day long, if he would be willing and able to cook dinner, he let out a great big sigh, told me he was willing, but unable because "he had a headache and (the friend) was coming over to have him work on his truck".

WHAT?

He couldn't make dinner because he was going to help his friend after sleeping all day?

What the Pho?

Here, I have been busting my A$$ off, working at work and around the house. He gets to sleep all day, sluff off any responsibility, and do absolutely NOTHING because he's "sick" and "having a bad day" and "going through a slump" and "has a headache", but can work through a headache to take a look at a truck?

I DON'T THINK SO!

So, today...he gets up early (another peeve of mine...he sleeps all day, and stays up all night, works on his server, then is absolutely useless during the next day) to meet this friend. Starts working right away. Seems to be having a good time (naturally, because he's doing something he likes). He takes off with the only working vehicle without checking with me (or anyone, for that matter) about anyone elses plans for the day. I had to call him at 11:00 and remind him I had to leave in 20 minutes to be in Seattle by noon for a doctor's appointment. Luckily, he came home in time and I made it.

So, I leave, go to my doctor's appointment, and get a text message. "I threw my back out. When are you coming home?"

WHAT?

OMG...WHEN WILL THIS $HIT END?!?!

He wanted me to stop what I'm doing and come home. He wanted me to drop everything to rush home to take care of him. I was going to Seattle, then to Tacoma for some baby clothes/items (that's for another posting!). I told him I would come home after I was done. I didn't make it home until 6:30. Then...when I DID get home, I had to take the friend up to Everett. I left here at 11:30 and didn't come home for the night until 8:15. And, Grey Cloak, who is sick (with a cold), was made to cook dinner because Sulla was laying down. Now, I understand he threw his back out. I TOTALLY understand that one! But...it's just another thing...another excuse not to do anything.

IT'S MAKING ME SO ANGRY!

And, I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk to him, think about him...even look at him. It just makes me so angry! I wish I could sleep all day, watch TV, work on things I want to work on, not make dinner but still eat well.

SHEESH...

Ok, my pooch needs me, so I'm going to bed.

G'nite.

Knowing is Not Believing

In church today, I'm learning a great lesson. KNOWING IS NOT THE SAME AS
BELIEVING. What does that mean? The example was given about a baseball
player learning what to do in a defensive maneuver. Runners are on 1st
and 3rd. The shortstop has had instruction on what to do. He was
expected to do a specific move. The play was run and he didn't do that
move. Coach came to the player and said, "Now here's what you need to
do...". The player said, "I know, Coach."

He knew what to do, but didn't believe it would work. So, he did what
came naturally, not what he had been instructed to do. If he knew...and
believed...he would have done it.

Wow...

So, I know what is expected of me: do justice, love mercy and walk
humbly before my God.

But, do I believe that works?

Not always.

Am I im support of justice? Yes. But, do I DO justice? Do I obey the
speed limit all the time because it's the law? Do I tithe? Do I give? Do
I strive to live a righteous life? Not always. Why?

Belief.

Am I in support of mercy? Yes. But do I LOVE mercy? Do I forgive when it
isn't asked for? Do I give up the grudge? Not always. Why?

Belief.

Am in in support of humility? Yes. Do I WALK humbly before my God? Do I
present my heart with humility? Do I practice the walk of humility? Not
always. Why?

Belief.

It all comes down to trust. Who do I trust? Do I trust first my own
judgements? Do I trust what comes naturally? Do I trust my own
experiences? Do I trust my own senses?

Or do I trust God.

Period.

God has laid out EXACTLY what is expected. Why don't I do it?

Belief.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Eight: I've Had Enough

WARNING: This is not the typical happy-go-lucky note/post I put up. I am upset and mad and all of thise emotions rolled into one great-big-pain-in-the-butt-mess! No small children or animals were harmed in the making of this post.

So, I just spent the entire night at work freezing my arse off (pardon me, Dominic). No heat in my work area. Yeah! And, on top of that, I could barely move as it was yesterday. The cold made it even worse today!

So, my boss decided to change things up on us. I guess (and, I say guess because no mention of this was made to me before, during or after my time as manager) our houses were sleeper houses. That means that for 4 hours each graveyard shift, the worker gets to sleep. Normally, I would be all for that. But, with my conditions, it is just a hassle. I have sleep apnea...I stop breathing when I sleep! I'm in danger of not getting enough oxygen to my brain and dying in bed. Not a great condition to have. Well...it is under control with a CPAP machine that continuously pumps air into my lungs so I won't die. So, I can't sleep without this machine or I run the risk of not waking up the next morning (worst case scenario).

Also, I sleep SO HARD that normal alarm clocks don't wake me up. I have to wake up in order to care for my client and get that client ready for work, so I need the alarm clock. My cell alarm won't work because it isntl "jolting" enough. At home, I have a bed shaker for an alarm clock that scared the poo out of me the first time I used it! But, at least I wasn't late for work! Lol!

Anyway, both of those things I need to do my job safely and effectively and both of those need to be plugged in to an electrical outlet. According to company policy, and state law, we as workers are not allowed to plug in any device into client's homes. It is called "financial exploitation" and is punishable by dismissal and jail time if you are caught by the state. So, my boss wanted me to either stay awake during those 4-hour sleeper shifts or sleep without my pump and risk death. (Ok, I'm being a LITTLE melodramatic, but sleep apnea isn't anything to mess around with. It is suspected to be the major cause of SIDS.) So, it's not like I'm not used to staying awake all shift. That's not what I take issue with. The issue I have is that during that 4-hour sleeper shift, I only get paid $9.00 an hour. That's over 30% less for those 4 hours. Now, everyone who works an overnight/graveyard shift gets paid $9.00 an hour. But, because of my medical condition, my boss wanted me to stay awake...and still only get $9.00 an hour. I told her that wasn't fair. She went to her boss' boss, as well as HR, and got approval for me to plug in my pump and sleep during those sleeper shifts.

Yay!

Not!

Because now, I get to unplug my pump and alarm clock at home, clean out the pump, prep it for travel, bring it to work, set it up but not plug it in until midnight, get ready to sleep, plug in my pump and alarm clock, set the time, set the alarm, fill the pump with water for the humidifier, get cozy on the couch (which isn't built for "larger profiles"), toss and turn all night because my back can't handle sleeping on a couch, hope I don't fall off and hurt myself, wake up in the middle of my shift to help my client use the bathroom, go back to sleep, wake up at 4am, turn the pump off, turn the alarm off, unplug both, empty the water, prepare it for travel, pack them both up, take them to downtown Seattle with me, bring them home, unpack them both, set the time on the clock, set the alarm, fill the pump, plug it in, arrange my mas so it doesn't get stuck on my bed frame, settle into bed, sleep for 8 hours, get up and do it all again.

For 30% less money than I was making last month and no benefits...because I had to cancel them because of the pay cut.

So ready for another job. Sorry Tiff...

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Seven...An Apostrophy

So, when I was younger, in my early teens, I met a boy who turned my world upside down. I was a freshman in high school...he was a senior. He was tall, dark, and handsome. I was never one of the popular kids in school, so naturally, when a senior paid attention to me it made me feel ever-so-special! Well, we started going out.

And things slowly changed.

And, I mean slowly.

After a few months, I started dressing to please him. I started doing my hair to please him. Wearing the kind of make-up he liked to please him. Wearing the right clothes, saying the right words. In essence, I was becoming the person he wanted me to be instead of who I was. Well, at 14, I had no idea who I was anyway, so I didn't see anything wrong with that.

Then, he started pulling me away from my friends. I had to let him know who I was going to be with. I had to make sure he was OK with that before I made plans. That started out as a cute thing. I thought, "Oh, he cares so much about me! He is lonely without me!" And, again, I didn't know what was right or wrong in his behavior. I was 14.

Then, he started pulling me away from my family. I kinda had an idea that something was going wrong, but I was caught up in being in love. The more time I spent with him, the less time I was spending with my family. And, the less time I was spending with my family, the more caught up in him and being in love I was becoming.

The he raped me.

I'll let you all digest that one for a minute.

Yes, he raped me. I was so wrapped up in pleasing him that I forgot how to tell him "no". I wanted to. I tried. I just didn't want him not to love me anymore.

Well, about 9 months into the relationship, God finally got a hold of me and my heart...and my brain! I was at camp and He told me I had to break it off with him. That I was in an unsafe, unhealthy relationship with a man who would not let go of me if I didn't leave. So, in an act of pure faith ('cuz I really didn't want to go...no one wants to be alone!), I left him. I told him that I couldn't live that way anymore and that I was taking my life back. I haven't seen him since. And that's been 18 years.

But, I didn't really take control of my life. I decided (subconsciously) to put on a fat suit so no one would ever want to get that close to me again. I thought if I were ugly enough, men would leave me alone and I wouldn't be taken advantage of that way again. And it worked. I haven't had a date since then...18 years. That's a LONG time. And, it's not for lack of trying. I've had subscriptions to nearly EVERY singles website out there!

After a year of counseling, and some long, hard nights of crying, I've been able to pull myself together and move on. I've "dealt with it" and am a whole person. No, really! I've put it all behind me. I don't hold any animosity toward him. I feel bad that he thought he had to control me and do those things to me, but I'm not angry with him. But if that was truly the case, why do I need the fat suit?

I've tried to lose weight. I've been on Weight Watchers, Weigh Down, Slim Fast, just watching my calorie intake, working out! I've done GREAT on them, too! I've lost anywhere between 20-50 pounds at a time! And, I feet AMAZING when I'm doing it. But, I hit a brick wall and for some stupid reason I stop. I go right...up...to...the...horizon...and turn away. I didn't understand it until last night. I heard a song and it all made sense.

You see, I'm a pretty smart woman. And, I've always been smart. In elementary school, I was reading and comprehending at a high school level. By the time I reached 8th grade, my reading scores were off the charts (read that: college level...in the 8th grade). My IQ is 145. I've always been a very analytical, reasonable, thoughtful (full of thought about my actions) person. But, for some reason I wasn't smart enough to see that situation coming. Everyone else could...I couldn't. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have NOT known that was going to happen.

For years...and I mean Y-E-A-R-S...I have felt ashamed that I made such a stupid mistake. I have beaten myself up for it for the last 18 years. I even went so far as to avoid calling it "rape" and tell people I was "taken advantage of" or playing it off as though we had planned to have sex just to avoid looking stupid. And, I thought the fat suit was to avoid another situation like that altogether. But, in reality, the fat suit was to avoid feeling stupid again.

So, back to the song I heard. It was about a young woman who had gotten caught up in being in love. They say the first time won't ever last. But, that didn't stop me the first time he laughed. All my friends tried to warn me the day that we met, girl, don't you lose your heart yet. His dark eyes dared me with danger. Sparks flied like flames to paper. And the fire of his touch was burning me up...but I still held on.

I stopped dead in my tracks (in the Starbucks drive thru). Sometimes, we are not able to make choices because we are in love. I was so in love with him that I wanted nothing more than to stay that way. I wanted to get married. I wanted to make babies. I wanted to be a family...because I loved him so much. My choices were influenced by my love for him. And, you know what? That's OK. It's normal. People do strange things when they're in love ALL THE TIME! I'm not an idiot. I never was. I never will be. His raping me was not the consequence for me being stupid. I didn't earn that one. And the shame I have carried with me for the last 18 years is unnecessary. It's unfounded. It's time I can give it up. I don't have to carry it, or the fat suit, around with me anymore. I have permission to let it go. Now that I know the REAL cause, I can deal with that and let it go. I don't have to be this way anymore. And, I'm not going to be this way anymore.

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Six...Thankfulness

Ten Things I'm Thankful For:

~*~ My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and the Salvation work He did on the Cross for me and my sins.

~*~ My family, blood and not, without whom I would not be who I am today.

~*~ My job, though it was a long time coming, because I LOVE going to work every day.

~*~ My friends, Bekii and Stevie, who has been such an encouragement through the last few months.

~*~ My home, though I've moved in and out too many times, it's still home.

~*~ My parents, who brought me into the world and have made me who I am today.

~*~ My dog, who has been my faithful companion, staying by my side for the last 3 years.

~*~ The internet...thanks Al Gore!

~*~ The memories I have of my grandfather...memories no one else has.

~*~ The promises of God for my future.

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Five...ARGH!

So, I got an email from 2 of my instructors yesterday. They both said they didn't know I was going to be out of class for the rest of the quarter. They both said that they couldn't let me continue and still maintain the integrity of the program. They said I would probably get an "F" in each of their classes. So frustrating...

So, I emailed them back and asked if they would be willing and able to give me an Incomplete for this quarter, then allow me to finish the assignments between now and the beginning of next quarter. Neither of these courses are prerequesites for next courses, so it won't affect future performance. I'm hoping they'll agree...

We'll see what they say. It will influence whether or not I continue with classes. I can feasibly schedule myself around classes from now until the end of the year. But, we'll see...

K, g'nite.

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Four...Change of Heart

Well, if you read my last post, it was a bit on the melancholy side. But, today, I'm feeling a bit more ambitious. Here's why...

I spoke with some of my friends...the new ones I've made in class. They all were very encouraging, but not very helpful. I got "oh, don't quit now" and "i'll miss you in class", but nothing that really made me feel any better.

Then, I talked with Rosie-Posie. And, she told me how she saw it. The words that stuck out to me, and ultimately made me change my thinking, were "Well, you have to decide what you want to do, but if you give up when things get a little but difficult, you'll never accomplish anything."

(Jaw hits the floor, mouth is gaping open in disbelief)

She KNOWS all I've dealt with. She KNOWS that I've faced trials and tribulations in my life. She KNOWS that I don't just run away when the going gets tough. Usually, I go shopping first! No, just kidding. Well, I do tend to rely on retail therapy when I'm down.

Anyway, I digress...

I was (almost) offended that she would talk to me like that. I felt very not-cared-for. But, I guess I was looking for an "it's ok...everyone will understand" from her and I really didn't get that at all! LOL! And, it was for the better. Because now, although it will be a LOT of work, not to mention a scheduling NIGHTMARE, I'm going to complete what I started. I'll be able to continue being financed through Worker Retraining at the college, have my tuition and books paid for, continue to work, earn enough to support my family AND not have regrets. And, THAT'S what's the most important to me.

Thanks, Rosie-Posie!

Off to do homework...

Sigh...

LOTS of homework!

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Three...Sigh

Well, today is a day that I really didn't want to come. I came to the conclusion that I have to drop out of school. I got a new job this week. It's going to be too much for me to learn a brand new job, take care of the house, go to classes, do my homework, and do any of it well. So, I'm going to have to drop school.

Sigh. . .

I really wanted to continue on. I just don't think I can take it.

Sigh. . .

Well, that's all for right now. I think I'm going to go to bed. It's the end of a dream I've had...well, not the END, but a "not-right-now" anyway.

Sigh. . .

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Two...A New Chapter

So, I applied for a job about 2 months ago at my on-call job. I interviewed with my current manager. I interviewed with the Program Manager Supervisor. He was VERY excited about hiring me. It was a Program Manager in King County managing staff who are providing care for developmentally disabled and Deaf adults in a group home. It would have been perfect for me! Taking my Special Education experiences and my office experiences and putting them in one job...that would have been AWESOME! Well, I probably would have gotten the job if our email and phone hadn't been cut off. Thanks Counterpunch!

Anyhow, I didn't get that job. I did get a letter from my manager saying she was trying to contact me for a few weeks. I stopped by the office and talked with the supervisor. He mentioned that there was another job available. In fact, it was taking over for my manager! I would be my own boss! LOL! I would be taking over managing the ASL sites. I'll have Deaf clients, Deaf staff, hearing staff. I'll be in charge of coordinating services, providing services, scheduling, staff meetings, etc. It will be nice.

So, I start on Wednesday at 8:00 am. I'm starting at one of the houses I'll manage. I'll be trained for about a month, then will take the reigns.

I'm a little nervous, but excited, too. It'll be my first real management position. I wonder if I can do it right. I wonder if I'll be a good manager. I wonder if my staff will respect me...even like me. We'll see.

The problem I might have is scheduling school. Part of my job will be to arrange the schedule. One of the perks is that I can put my needs into the schedule before scheduling around it. And, I need to have 16 hours of Direct Contact Service with my clients. So, I can put my 16 hours in, then schedule the other staff around that...which is nice. But, I also have other classes to take. This quarter, I have classes every day. Next quarter, I probably will, too, but it will be a smaller chunk of time each day. So, if I can work my "8-hour-day" in shifts, then I can go to school AND work. If I can't, then I'll have to drop school. However, I am going to TRY MY BEST to do both. Especially because I found out yesterday that there is a way to be funded through Worker Retraining Program at school even though I'm working full time. Let me explain...

So, one of the requirements for worker retraining is that I am in a declining occupation. Well, technically Interpreters aren't in a declining need. So, my WRP Advisor suggested I look through the descriptions to find out what my job is and see if it's declining. Well, sure enough, it is. So, I 'should' be able to continue with my education and work full time with getting full funding through WRP. I should know more later this week.

Well, I think this is a turning point in my life. I hope I don't screw it up! LOL!

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Two...ASL 101

Today we learned how to sign Adjective-Noun pairs. Like:

~ Red box
~ Gray pants
~ Yellow papers
~ Small TV
~ Deaf woman
~ HOH girl

In ASL, though, you can flip the adjective with the noun. So it would be glossed:

~ Box, red
~ Pants, gray
~ Papers, yellow
~ TV, small
~ Woman, Deaf
~ Girl, hoh

Also, when talking about colors, the eyebrows and facial expressions determine the degree of intensity. So:

~ Light blue, your eyebrows go up.
~ Neutral or general blue, eyebrows stay neutral.
~ Dark blue, eyebrows go down.

Different sentence structures for the following sentence:

Your boyfriend likes to have a dark red car.

WH-q
~ your boyfriend likes to have color what? (eyebrows down)

Y/N-q
~ your boyfriend likes to have dark red car? (eyebrows up)

S-V-O
~ Your boyfriend likes to have dark red car. (flat affect)

O-S-V
~ Dark red car, your boyfriend likes to have? (eyebrows up, then WAY up).

I think I'll track these lessons on another blog...as soon as I set it up!

Day One-Hundred-Twenty-One...Long Time

Well, LOTS has been going on at the ranch. Ok, so I don't live on a ranch, but I've always wanted to say that.

First, our water was just shut off. That's right, we have no running water. Kinda like the Laura Ingalls days, eh? Except they could get credit at the Olsons' store for food and supplies. We can't even do that.

We have a mortgage payment due in 5 days and no money for it.

We have a PUD bill due in 3 days and no way to pay for it.

We have $172 in food stamps for groceries until November 7th.

We have less than a 1/2 a tank of gas in one car. The other car is undrivable because the tabs have expired and we can't afford to pay them.

On a positive note, I'm back at school. I'm going for my Deaf Studies degree and my Interpreter Certification. Maybe then I can actually work! HA!

Ok, gotta find some resources. Bye!

Day...Way Too Late at Night to Care

So, I just held a baby that is less than two hours old. Yes, you read
that right...TWO HOURS! Rosie-Posie Bramble had her baby while I hung
out with Peony Brockhouse today. Rosie-Posie let me know last night
that she was probably going to be induced today at 6 am. Her husband
texted me this morning at 6 saying they needed to leave at 7:00 and
asked if I could be there by 6:45. So, I got up and 15 minutes later
was on the road!

Fortunately, Peony and I had a very busy day. We went to the college at
which I will be taking classes. I had to sit through the orientation
seminar before I could register. It's a necessary evil, but kinda
redundent. I have been through orientations with my AA, my BA and my
MA. I don't think much has changed! Anyway, we had a BUSY day!
Leaving the house at noon to meet with my advisor, which I'll comment on
in a moment, we got to the school about 12:30. We didn't leave there
until about 4 pm. And, naturally, I forgot to pack a lunch and I spent
what little money I had on parking and the stupid test I had to take.
And...I forgot that 3-year-olds still take naps. So, naturally, Peony
was EXHAUSTED and CRABBY when we got to my house for a sandwich and
Goldfish crackers! But, still, she was a VERY good girl!

We finally got home, in our PJs, and settled down with a snack to watch
a movie...Mulan, to be exact! I got a text at 9:38 from Túveren saying
"He's here!". So, we went to the hospital. And I got to hold the most
precious little boy I've seen in a LONG time. He was literally 1 hour
and 15 minutes old. Wow.

Ok, so I met with my advisor at 12:30. I had to get permission to take
some of the ITP classes while concurrently enrolled in ASL classes.
Yes, I'm taking ASL classes! I've never had that formal experience, so
I can't translate it into my own ASL classroom. Anyway, basically, I'm
going to hybridize (if that's a word!) my degree. I'm going to take all
of the Deaf Studies classes and most of the ITP classes for a total of
96 credits. The only thing I won't do is the practicum and the advanced
ASL-to-English and English-to-ASL classes. I don't need them. That's
not my goal. My goal is to get enough formal education so I can go,
confidently, into a school district and teach an ASL class.

So, my advisor gave me permission to go ahead with my plan of study.
Which ROCKS! Cuz it will be the only degree of its kind!

Ok, I'm exhausted right now, so I'm going to bed.

Interesting Assessment

So, I got to the college at which I'm planning to take courses for my
Deaf Studies degree today. I was told last week that I could bring
unofficial copies in just to prove I had taken English and had some of
the math credits I need. Well, that information was wrong. So, the
gentleman at the admissions office told me that I could take the
placement test and save time. Ok, so, I did that. Here were my
results.

~ Math: score 44. Recommendation - Placement in Math 084: Elementary
Algebra

That was expected.

~ Writing: score 87. Recommendation - Placement in English 101.

Ok, not as good as I'd hoped, but, still...

~ Reading: score 78. Recommendation - Your scores indicate that you may
be reading at a pre-college level. English 095, Reading Improvement, is
recommended.

. . .

. . .

. . .

What? How can I have my master's degree and be reading below college
level?

Der!

Day One-Hundred-Nineteen...Financial Possibility

I just happened to be looking on the website of the college I was to attend in a few weeks and I came across their Worker Retraining Program. That program is designed for people who are unemployed and need training to GET a job, or are currently employed and need training to KEEP a job. Well, I thought for sure the program I want to take would NOT be listed, but IT IS! Both the Deaf Studies and the Interpreting programs are Professional/Technical programs I could take.

It's funny...Gray Cloak, when I asked if he would consider co-signing a personal student loan for me, he said that if God really wanted me to take those classes, He would provide a way.

I think He just did!

If I qualify, I would get tuition, books, and supplies...all free! I wouldn't have to take out any loans. I wouldn't have to worry about going further into debt. And I could work, too.

I just have to qualify...

Day One-Hundred-Eighteen...Interviews

Tomorrow, I have 2 interviews. One is for a part-time Nanny position to the North of me. It's 3 days a week for approximately 5 hours a day. I don't know how much per hour, but it would work around school.

The second is for the Program Manager for developmentall disabled adults in group homes. It's fill time, Monday through Friday. And, I get to help people.

So, the first interview is at 11:00 and the second is at 1:00. So, if you think of it, pray for me. Pray that God's will be done.

Day One-Hundred-Seventeen...Confirmation!

So, today, I received confirmation from several places that I'm supposed to go back to college and get my Deaf Studies.

1) Family

My family has ALWAYS been my balance. Especially Sulla. He's just always (sometimes, very annoyingly) talkin' smack about my plans and decisions. Ok, not really talkin' smack, but I have to admit, that was fun to say! Anyway, he's always "questioning" me about what I'm doing, making sure I'm thinking things through. I was actually talking with him about going back for the English degree. I was telling him all the hoops I had to jump through before I would be able to do it and wasn't sure I could make it in time. He said something the other day that made me go, "Gosh, thanks, dude! That really felt awful!" He said, "Maybe you need to reconsider being a teacher. It seems like, even though you're good at it, it's not what God has meant for you to do. Maybe you missed the boat."

I was stunned...

But, I didn't say anything and just thought about it. Normally, I would have gotten mad at him and depressed because I "know he's right". But, no, God actually used that to get me thinking about the direction in my life. I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am to be a teacher. I know that. I know I am supposed to be teaching in an ASL/Deaf field. So, as I posted the other day, I looked for some information on how to become a better teacher. I came across the Deaf Studies program. So, I decided to take that path.

Here comes the confirmation...

When I told Sulla, Dilibrirth and Gray Cloak about it, they ALL said, "GO FOR IT!" There was no questioning, no "do you think this is God's path?". None of that! That NEVER happens! So, confirmation number one!

2) Leadership

I've joined Facebook. I found the ASLTA page on Facebook and tried to join. Well, the President of the ASLTA responded and informed me that I couldn't be part of the page because I wasn't a member of the ASLTA. I told her I didn't realize it was different than the WA-ASLTA and I would join as soon as possible. I thought, if anyone would know what it takes to be a good ASL teacher, it would be her above anyone else. So, I asked. She told me that the Deaf Studies program would be "exactly what [I] need" to improve my skills. She also said that I might want to add regular education classes such as classroom management, assessment skills and some classes on teaching foreign language. Well, I already have those, so I'm good to go!

3) Finances

In order to go to school, I have to work 40 hours a week. I've done that before, but it's only been because I was taking all classes online! Not this program. Some can be taken online, but not the majority. And, some of the classes are day and some are night. Well, I've made it possible to take classes around my working schedule. If I substitute this year, I can take jobs on days I don't have classes during the day. Then, I can do my PSA "thing" evenings and weekends...or after class, depending on when they finish. If I don't sub, or if I get another full-time day job, I can take most of the classes I really need during the afternoons and evenings. So, it works out where I can do both! And, I can get enough financial aid to cover some expenses, get out of debt, and have enough for books, supplies and gas for transportation.

God is good.

Day One-Hundred-Sixteen...A Day of Changes

As some of you know, I've decided to head back to school to...well, to make myself a little more employable. I've had NOTHING but struggles trying to get into a full time, permanent teaching position. It's been SO VERY FRUSTRATING! Oh, and as an update, I didn't get the ASL job to the North. I emailed the principal and asked what the status was on my application. He said that I wasn't recommended for the next step because I didn't have the level of knowledge of instructional methods and assessment for ASL as he would have expected for that position. I was SO relieved to hear that it WASN'T because of a nasty reference from my last position. Anyway, that email got me thinking...and Sulla got me thinking, too...about what I really need to do. I am at such a crossroads right now. I'm not employed full time. I have the opportunity to go back to school for whatever I want to do. What decision should I make?

Well, I thought, and prayed, and prayed and thought. I asked myself, "What kinds of things do I need to do to make myself a better teacher?" and "What kinds of methods was the principal looking for?" and "Should I just go with what I want to do and get the English degree because that will be SO MUCH FUN or should I try something that will actually make me better at what I do?" Well, after much prayer, I decided I would turn to the internet! Ok, I just wanted to see if what I was sensing from the Lord was feasible. I know it's possible, but I wanted to see if I was hearing correctly.

And, much to my surprise, I was.

I Googled the question, "What education does an ASL teacher need?". And, right away, among other sites, the website for the ASLTA popped up. The ASLTA is the American Sign Language Teacher's Association. I actually belong to the WA-ASLTA (Washington Chapter of the ASLTA), but not the National organization. I'm going join just as soon as I can! Anyway, they gave several out-of-state universities that have Deaf Studies degrees. One is at CSUN (California State University at Northridge), a VERY popular West-Coast university for ASL-related studies. Another, which I wouldn't mind going to at all, is at Gallaudet in Washington DC. Now, the only part about getting another degree, especially from one of these universities, would be the relocation. My heart sank when I saw all of their recommendations were for universities out of state. The closest is in Californa. I don't like California. I have a hard time when it gets over 70 degrees. And, I don't want to move anywhere.

So, I thought, OK, Lord, maybe I didn't hear from you. Maybe I'm just projecting what I want onto what I think you're saying to me.

But, then, it hit me. One of the Community Colleges in town has a 2-year AAS Degree in Deaf Studies. It's only a few miles away! I can live here, work here, and get my degree. Now, for those of you who don't know, I already have my AA, my BA, and my MA. My AA is a general transfer degree. My BA is in Special Education and Elementary Education, with my teaching certificate. And, my Masters Degree is in Deaf Education. It might seem silly for me to "regress" and get another AA degree, but it's the content I'm missing.

Let me explain...

I grew up learning ASL. I grew up learning Deaf Culture. I grew up immersed in Deaf History. But, I never learned how to teach it. I learned ASL from friends, teachers (informally, in class as a means of learning another subject), and from adults. I took 1 ASL class when I was 23 because my work paid for it...and I wanted to increase my GPA. But, that was in 1999...9 years ago! I don't remember any of the assignments or activities. I don't remember the "grammar structure" of ASL, or any of the other components of ASL. I know the language. I'm fluent in it, but have never had it broken down for me. I can tell you when an aspect is missing, but I couldn't tell you what it's called.

The same is true with Deaf Culture and History. I could tell you the names Laurent Clerc, Alice Cogswell, Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet, Howie Seago, AG Bell, Helen Keller, Ken Mikos, Ella Mae Lentz, Jason Zinza, I. King Jordan. But, I have never seen those names brought to life. I have NO idea how to incorporate their significance into a lesson plan.

This predicament would be like any of you, being fluent in a language, going to a foreign country and trying to explain it without having taken formal classes. Say you learned Spanish from a friend growing up...using it every day for 15 years. Say you could get along perfectly in a Mexican restaurant, and hold your own while watching a Novella, or in a conversation. You are fluent in Spanish, a near-native speaker. Now, imagine you were invited to teach Spanish at a High School. Would you feel comfortable? No. That's what I was trying to do. I am a native-speaker (well, as near-native as you can get) and I was trying to go from a Mexican restaurant to a classroom...unprepared. It didn't work.

So, what do I do? I go get prepared! That means...drumroll please...I'm going back and taking ASL 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6! LOL! I KNOW! Hysterical, isn't it? I'm already fluent in the language and I'm going to take those classes anyway. Silly? No. Why, you ask? Because I will not only be learning the things I missed (like the labels and correct grammar/syntax, etc.), I will be gleaning teaching techniques from my instructors to be used within my classroom. Ah-ha, you say! I'll be stealing their ideas! Yes. I will. But, in the education world, we call that collaboration! Thank you, Dr. Hartnett! Actually, I will be using what I learn, taking that information and molding it to my teaching style. It will also allow me to match my curriculum with the articulation agreement that this particular community college has with the high schools in the area. Under that specific agreement, in an effort to attract high school students to ASL-, or Deaf-related education and jobs after graduation, students who earn a B or better in an approved teacher's class will receive college credits for those classes, thereby eliminating 2 - 3 classes they have to take, and pay for, once they graduate. It's a win-win-win situation. I was working on becoming approved when I got sick last April.

So, anyway, that's where I'm going. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if I can do it with my work schedule. I have to work full time if I want to go to school. I have a family for which I have to provide. It's kinda nice having people relying on me again, but at the same time, it's quite a responsibility. Sulla and I are the bread-winners in our house right now and neither of us are working! In fact, both of us are going back to school to better ourselves. He's going for Computer Drafting and Design and I'm going for Deaf Studies...something we're each passionate about...and good at!

So, I'll be taking a variety of classes. Like I said, I'll be taking ASL I - VI. I'll also be taking Deaf Culture classes and ITP (Interpreter Training Program) classes. Because many of the districts are taking ASL and putting it in a Career and Technical Education category (for financial reasons), ASL teachers are expected to bring ASL/Deaf-related jobs and skills into the classroom. So, that's why I'm taking the ITP classes. And, who knows, if I play my cards right, I just might come out a certified Interpreter, too! Wouldn't that be cool!

Well, if I've calculated correctly, my schedule for the next 2 years will look like this:

Fall 2008:

~ ASL I
~ Deaf-Blind Interpreting
~ Survey of Interpreting

Winter 2009:

~ ASL II
~ Ethics of Interpreting
~ Spanish I (Ok, that's not in the program, but I've always wanted to learn Spanish!)

Spring 2009:

~ Introduction to Deaf Studies
~ Spanish II
~ Comparative Linguistics: ASL and English

Summer 2009: (this is tentative...I may just take the summer off!)

~ Interculture Communication
~ ASL III
~ Spanish III

Fall 2009:

~ ASL IV
~ ASL-to-English Interpretation
~ English-to-ASL Interpretation

Winter 2010 (Oh, my goodness, can you believe I'm talking about 2010? Scary!):

~ American Deaf Culture
~ ASL V
~ Interpreting in Specialized Settings (this brings in several ASL- or Deaf-related fields: mental health, medical, legal, educational k-12, substance abuse programs, performance and religious settings)

Spring 2010

~ ASL VI
~ ASL Theatre
~ Survey of Hearing Impairment (this one I may ask to waive. I just took it in grad school. I may take it again, though...just to have it all fresh).

All told, it will be 96 credits, another complete degree, and at half the cost of the university I was attending for my English degree. Literally, half the cost, twice the education. And, it will further me in my career goals much better than the (ever-so-fun, but ever-so-frivolous) English degree.

And, it should fit nicely around my subbing schedule and my PSA schedule. I feel very much at peace about it.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing this to me. Thank you, God, for shutting the door on the English degree by making me not feel at peace about it. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for prompting me to look at what I had planned and compare it to what God said about it. Thank you, God, for reaffirming my belief that this is the way I am supposed to go.

Ok, g'nite! I AM going to church tomorrow! That's another blog, but I'm excited! I'm going back to church, AND going to get connected with a Young Women's group. Ok, I'll share. I was on my church's website, looking over the calendar. Our mid-week services have been on hiatus for the last few weeks, winding down from the summer and gearing up for Fall. So, I haven't been able to jump right in like I wanted to. And, interestingly enough, that's been ok. Turns out, as I was on the calendar, I found a link to a woman's name, email and phone number. The link was for a "Young Women's Home Group". At first, I thought, "I'm probably too old. They're probably look at right out of high school through 29 or 30. That was the enemy! I emailed this woman anyway, just asking for clarification. She said she was looking for women between 25 and 35. I WAS ELATED! YAY! I'm still YOUNG! LOL! Anyway, we'll be starting up on Wednesday nights, the first night being the 10th, at the church. We're going to be studying a book called "Secrets of the Secret Place". Oh, that's JUST what I've been needing. I have REALLY been experiencing a time of making up for things I've missed. I've missed in the ASL classes. I've missed out in church. I've missed out in my relationship with Christ and how that works. But, God is bringing all of those things around and working them out. He is GOOD!

Ok, so now I really AM going to bed. I have to get up in 7.5 hours. I should have been in bed HOURS ago! I had a HORRIBLE migraine on Friday and ended up sleeping until 5:30 Friday evening. Needless to say, I wasn't tired when everyone else went to bed! Heh! So, I was up until 6:30 this morning! I went to bed and probably fell asleep by 7:00 - 7:15 or so. It was light out...that's all I know! Ha! Anyway, I purposely set my alarm to get up no later than noon so I'd be nice and tired come bed time. Well, as you can see, that didn't work! LOL! Well, actually, I was tired ALL day...even considered a nap around 4:50 - 5:00. But, no, I kept myself up, working on my class schedule so I could go to bed descent. Again, didn't work! I caught a second wind! Sigh...

Ok...NOW I'm going to bed. I'm out of things to talk about. For now...

Hee Hee!

Day One-Hundred-Fifteen...Promise Number Three

So, this promise has actually been significant in my life several times. But, none more so than tonight. I discovered that ex-roomie has taken the rest of my cable equipment and done something with it...other than handing it over to the cable tech on July 15th...like she was supposed to do. So, I now have a bill for cable of over $615, which, incidentally, includes her and her mother's portion of the cable from May 20 to June 30th. So, not only does she owe me 1 DVR box and a cable modem, she owes for 2/3 of the cable bill, 2/3 of the garbage bill, 2/3 of the PUD bill and 2/3 of the PSE bill. All total, just in the bills, she owes me $187 and change...and that's AFTER I used the $150 she had in my account for her groceries (yes, the one she is accusing me of stealing...ummm...hello...it went to pay for part of your bills!).

When, I confronted ex-roomie on it, her true colors really showed (as if I couldn't see them before). She, naturally, had to resort to name-calling: childish, worthless pratter, someone whose life is a mess and doesn't even have the remote chance of ever being a mother, a life with no value, a little girl, pobrecita (Spanish for poor little girl), deluded, the mother of none, not important, jealous, incestuous, a liar, irrational, unbecoming (she thought I was begging for money). It was quite interesting. You know when you have a lightbulb moment and you see things clearly, for what they really are, for the first time? I had one of those today. Moob didn't divorce her ex because he cheated on her. He cheated on her because she drove him away. Things didn't go exactly as she had planned and she drove him away. Does that excuse what he did? Uh, heckno-techno! But, it does EXPLAIN it! I just feel bad that Millyra, and now Olorin, are caught in the middle of it and are helpless to do anything about it.

You know, I told Moob that I had been more of a mom to her daughter in the 2 1/2 years I knew her than she would EVER be in her entire life, just by donating an egg. And, it's true. (Pardon me while I rant a little...I need this!). Who was it that showed this little girl unconditional love? Me. Who was it that led her to the Lord? Me. Who was it that showed her things in Scripture? Me. Who was it that taught her to pray? Me. Who was it that she stayed with on Mother's Day because she wanted to go to church? Me. Who taught her to love reading? Me. Who helped her be successful in school? Me. Who was it that showed her how to care for others? Me. Who was it that stayed with her mother in the hospital for 2 nights after emergency surgery, sleeping in a recliner made for someone who weighs less than 150 pounds, wiping her butt because she couldn't reach it herself, and the nurse wouldn't do it without latex gloves (she's allergic to latex)? Me. Who took an entire week off work when she came home (which contributed to losing the job), slept on the couch, and jumped every time Moob woke up to make sure she was ok? Me. Who was there when Millyra had cramps and needed some cuddle time, and didn't mind being woke out of a dead sleep to minister to the emotional needs of an 11-year-old in pain, even though Moob was awake downstairs playing on her computer? Me. That's what being a mom is all about. Not giving birth. Any idiot can give birth. I don't have children and am still a mom. She has had a child and is no where NEAR being a mom. That's the REAL miracle of childbirth.

And, you know...I think my perspective on motherhood has really changed. I've always felt bad because I don't have kids. I want them SO much. I've always felt a failure as a woman because I don't have kids. I've always felt less. But, on Mother's Day this year, my Pastor was honoring all of the mothers. I've already blogged about this, but it's significant to my feelings and reactions today. He wanted all of the moms in the sanctuary to stand up. Then, he said all women who were 21 or older could join them. I thought at first he meant all the moms who were 21 or older can join them. But, he said, "No, I want every woman in here who is 21 or older to stand up. Even if you don't have children by birth, you're still mothering someone." I was speechless. He was right. I didn't have children by birth, but I was still a mom. I got a flower and chocolate along with all the other moms. What an amazing day. That felt so good...to be acknowledged. And, that is something that Moob will never understand. She ASSUMES that she gets to be loved as a mother just because she's given birth...that she has the corner on that market. I told her tonight that Millyra HAS to love her because she's her birth child. But, Millyra CHOSE to love me. And that's something Moob will never understand...having someone CHOOSE to love her.

Now, the paragraph before the last is RIDDLED with "ME, ME, ME", and normally I'm not all about "ME". However, I wanted to prove a point. Not that anyone reading this will need that point proven to them, but sometimes it feels good to just write it down! The point is that some people are takers and others are givers. I try my DARNDEST to be a giver. It's just my personality. I have given and given and given. It seems like all that giving has gone unnoticed. There's an old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished" and, boy, have I felt like that. It seems like all I do is try to help people, give people what they need and more, provide for others, minister to others, take them in, share my family with them...and get kicked in the teeth. My sister did that...my boyfriend did that...my cousin did that...and now my friend did that. You'd think that after so many times, I'd finally get it through my thick skull! Knock it off, already! But, no! That's what the enemy wants me to believe. That's where I have to hold onto this third promise (do you like how I tied that in? Not too shabby!). Everything that I have done...everthing that has been done to me...God sees and works together for good BECAUSE I love Him and am called according to His purpose. It is HIS purpose for me to give. It is HIS purpose for me to love. It is HIS purpose for me to provide. It is HIS job, then, to work the "bad" things into good...not mine!

Just an aside, I am choosing to NOT use The Message interpretation this time. While I LOVE that interpretation, the meaning of the scripture is implicit, not explicit...and I think this one deserves the explicit!

Romans 8:28 (NIV) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

And we know...

~ to have knowledge or clear and certain perception, as of fact or truth.
~ to be cognizant or aware, as of some fact, circumstance, or occurrence; have information, as about something.

...that in all things...

~ the whole quantity or amount
~ the whole number; every one
~ everything

...God works...

~ to use or manage
~ to bring about
~ to manipulate or treat
~ to put into effective operation
~ to operate
~ to carry on operations
~ to make, fashion, or execute
~ to achieve or win by work or effort

...for the good...

~ profit or advantage; worth; benefit
~ excellence or merit; kindness
~ moral righteousness; virtue

...of those who love Him...

~ a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
~ a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection

...who have been called...

~ To order or request to undertake a particular activity or work; summon

....according to...

~ in agreement, unity, or harmony with
~ to make to agree or correspond; to suit one thing to another; to adjust

...His purpose.

~ the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.
~ an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.
~ determination; resoluteness.
~ the subject in hand; the point at issue.
~ practical result, effect, or advantage

So, all of the things that I've gone through with Moob and the nastiness it's caused me, those things will work together for good, by God, because I live Him and have lived in agreement with His purposes for me.

Of that, I can be sure!

Day One-Hundred-Fourteen...Promise Number Two

John 14:15 & 16 (NIV)

"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever.

The Message:

If you love me, show it by doing what I've told you. I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you.

If you love me...

~ a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
~ a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection

...show it...

~ to cause or allow to be seen
~ to explain or make clear
~ to make known to
~ to prove; demonstrate

...by doing...

~ to act or conduct oneself
~ to perform
~ to execute
~ to accomplish
~ to put forth

... what I've told you.

~ to announce or proclaim
~ to utter
~ to express in words
~ to reveal or divulge
~ to say plainly or positively
~ to inform
~ to bid, order, or command

...I will talk to the Father...

~ to communicate or exchange ideas, information, etc., by speaking
~ to consult or confer
~ a conference or negotiating session

... and he'll provide you...

~ to make available; furnish
~ to supply or equip
~ to afford or yield
~ to take measures with due foresight
~ to make arrangements for supplying means of support, money, etc.
~ to supply means of support

...another Friend...

~ a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard
~ a person who gives assistance
~ a person who is on good terms with another

... so that you will always...

~ every time; on every occasion; without exception
~ all the time; continuously; uninterruptedly
~ forever
~ in any event; at any time; if necessary

...have someone with you.

~ accompanied by; accompanying

Promise Number Three, Next!

Day One-Hundred-Thirteen...God Is Good

All The Time!

I have to tell myself that because, if I don't, I'll end up crying. And, while my faith is being shaken, stirred, rumbled around and pounded upon, I WILL stand firm on the promises of God.

Promise Number 1) My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in Glory in Christ Jesus.

As I read this in the NIV, it said exactly what I thought it would say. God shall supply all your needs. But, reading it in the Message, it says something different to me: "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus." Let's look at this:

You can be sure...

~ free from doubt as to the reliability, character, action, etc., of something
~ confident, as of something expected
~ convinced, fully persuaded, or positive
~ assured or certain beyond question: a sure victory.
~ worthy of confidence; reliable; stable: a sure messenger.
~ unfailing; never disappointing expectations: a sure cure.
~ unerring; never missing, slipping, etc.: a sure aim.
~ admitting of no doubt or question: sure proof.
~ destined; bound inevitably; certain

...that God will...

~ expected or required to
~ determined or sure to

...take care of...

~ to act on; deal with; attend to

...everything...

~ every thing or particular of an aggregate or total; all

...you need...

~ a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation
~ a lack of something wanted or deemed necessary
~ urgent want, as of something requisite
~ necessity arising from the circumstances of a situation or case
~ a situation or time of difficulty; exigency
~ a condition marked by the lack of something requisite
~ destitution; extreme poverty

...his generosity...

~ readiness or liberality in giving

...exceeding even yours...

~ to go beyond in quantity, degree, rate, etc.: to exceed the speed limit.
~ to go beyond the bounds or limits of: to exceed one's understanding.
~ to surpass; be superior to; excel
~ to be greater, as in quantity or degree.
~ to surpass others; excel or be superior.

...in the glory...

~ very great praise, honor, or distinction bestowed by common consent; renown
~ something that is a source of honor, fame, or admiration; a distinguished ornament or an object of pride
~ adoring praise or worshipful thanksgiving
~ resplendent beauty or magnificence
~a state of great splendor, magnificence, or prosperity
~ a state of absolute happiness, gratification, contentment, etc

...that pours...

~ To stream or flow continuously or profusely.
~ To rain hard or heavily

...from Jesus.

Ok, NOW it says something VERY different. I have always loved language and it's been difficult for me to really read Scriptures without hearing my Sunday School teachers reciting them without any feeling or emotion. So, to read the Message version, then look up the significant words, helps me to really 'get' what the meaning of a scripture really is. Do I do that with every Scripture? No. Jesus wept. It's pretty self-explanatory! But, when a Scripture is brought to my mind or given to me by a friend, I like to delve into it and glean the root meaning. It makes it SO much easier to apply to my life.

Promies 2, tomorrow!

Day One-Hundred-Twelve...Update

1) It's over. The mess I've been in with ex-roomie is finally over. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

2) I got a job. I'm now an on-call Personal Support Advocate for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing clients with the Volunteers of America, Greenwood. What does that mean? Well, it means I get to hang out with some pretty cool people, helping them with their daily lives, teaching them to be independent in their living arrangements. Right now, it's only on-call, but it can develop into a full time and permanent position. And, because of my ASL background, I get a higher level of pay. No benefits right now, but as I accrue more hours, those will become available.

3) Just had an interview with a school district just South of me. It's for a middle school EBD program. EBD, for those of who who are not in Special Education, stands for Emotionally and Behaviorally Disabled. According to Wikipedia, EBD "is a broad category which is used commonly in educational settings, to group a range of more specific perceived difficulties of children and adolescents. Both general definitions as well as concrete diagnosis of EBD may be controversial as the observed behaviour may depend on many factors." So, basically it is a class for students with behavior and emotional disorders or issues that seriously impede their learning within a general classroom setting. It'd be a challenge, but I think I'm up for it. I met with the Principal and the Director of Special Services today for a screening interview. They're doing the screening this week, then second interviews next week and offering the job by Friday of next week (August 22)...which is good because classes start September 3rd!

4) I haven't heard back about the .6 ASL job. I fear that they called my previous district and got a bad reference. I really want THIS job over any other I've applied for. It's perfect for me. And, the Principal seemed to be into me and my skills, even commenting that with my Special Education background, they probably would be able to find other duties for me to make it full time. And, I know the other 2 ASL teachers, so, we could collaborate together, aligning our classes to produce quality education and students who are able to communicate with each other on the same levels. I'm not giving up hope, but I'd like to know soon so I can get my stuff together!

5) I still have no money...

6) I'll start subbing in the fall. I am back on the sub list for all 3 districts I was working for last year.

7) I've started reading Matthew and Psalms. My girlfriends have started encouraging me to get back into the Bible. I'm sure that's why I've been feeling all nasty in my spirit.

Ok...that's all for now.

Day One-Hundred-Eleven...Fed Up

I totally don't know what to say. I was doing SO well. I had even stopped dreaming about ex-roomie. But, yesterday, ex-roomie's new roomie made a comment on MySpace that showed her TRUE personality and character.

It just seems like one . . . thing . . . after . . . another

. . . after . . . another

. . . after . . . another.

I was forced to move out of my home.

I just now got my belongings out of storage.

I have no job.

I have no money.

I have no food.

I'm on public assistance . . . read that: food stamps

My dad has been sick for nearly 6 months . . . from a bleeding ulcer . . . from the stress of all this crap.

He's been out of work for months, too . . . just now getting back to it.

We have a house payment due in a week and no money to pay it.

I've had interview upon interview, but no job.

I've been trying to help outside with the renovation project.

It's been too hot to work outside very much for me.

I just got all my furniture in the back yard yesterday.

It rained last night.

My boxes got wet.

It rained today.

My furniture got wet.

Ex-roomie has flared her ugly head again . . . this time through ex-roomie's new roomie.

New roomie accused me of purposefully stealing her son's board games.

New roomie accused me of being un-Christian-like.

Then, ex-roomie has drug my character and relationship with Christ through the mud.

She's proclaiming to be a Christian and that it is her "duty to spread the Word and lead others who have strayed from God's path."

She's accusing me of stealing things that got packed in my belongings when I was forced to move.
She's accusing me of being jealous of my Dad "adopting her as another daughter".

She's accusing me of sinning against her 11 year old daughter (who I had a MUCH closer relationship with than she EVER had . . . I taught her how to put a tampon in, prayed for her when she had cramps, cuddled with when she was missing her father, brought up from a 1st grade reading level to a 5th grade reading level in less than 2 years . . . you get the picture) by putting the item she accused me of stealing (a baptism dress that ex-roomie asked to store in my closet at that house) out in the rain and ruining it out of spite and in an attempt to "pay her back".

She is lecturing me on repentence and forgiveness.

She is pointing out how un-Christian I am being.

I'm just trying to get on with my life.

I have no money for my meds . . . and I NEED those meds.

I've defaulted on 2 credit cards because I've had no money.

I had to drop out of school because of all these situations.

I'm so tired of this . . .

I've never wanted to say screw everything, screw everyone, I'm taking my ball and leaving!

I so need a vacation . . .

I almost would like to just up and move . . . far, far away, and never see anyone again.

Sigh . . .

So, my faith is on the rocks . . . .no, not like whisky on the rocks, more like rocky terrain. My belief in human kindness is shaken. My desire to reach out and offer myself to others is squelched. My will to pick myself up and move on is waivering. My belief that when I do something for someone else, that is a good thing and that those investments in the lives of my friends will someday have a return.

I'm definitely at a crossroads.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . .

I try to keep a happy face . . .

I try to remain strong for my family . . .

I try to maintain my faith . . .

I don't think I can do it anymore . . .

I'm not strong enough . . .

I'm not going to off myself, but I might just break down.

Day One-Hundred-Ten...Reconnecting

So, I've reconnected with several people from my past...both those I never thought I'd see again and those I thought wouldn't ever remember me! I reconnected with one girl I went to elementary school with! LOL!

I've also reached outside of my comfort zone and applied for some jobs that I never thought I'd like to do. In fact, I had an interview for an Advocate for Adults with Developmental Disabilities and who are Deaf. Perfect! I should know on Monday or Tuesday if I get that.

I also had my interview for that .6 ASL position. I should know by next Friday. And, the principal of the high school I'd be working at was at the interview. I asked if there were other duties I could add to the .6 to make it closer to full time. He said, without hesitation, "With your Special Education background and experience, most likely." I was pleasantly surprised! In fact, I looked at the teacher's schedule from last year (2007-2008) and, if I take that teacher's place, I'd actually teach 2 classes of Life Skills and 3 classes of ASL, with 1 period for planning. That'd be awesome!

Ok...so hungry! Getting some food! Then going to bed!

G'nite!

Day One-Hundred-Nine...Interview

I have an interview tomorrow for an ASL position tomorrow. It's only a .6, but it's better than nothing. And, it has benefits, so...

If y'all think about it, please pray that God's will be done.

I'll keep you posted!

Day One-Hundred-Eight...Changes

Gray Cloak and I, along with some friends, cleared out 5 sofas and loveseats from the basement, a dining room table, 4 chairs, and 2 end tables. These are all going on CraigsList to be sold to make up some of the money I had to spend to move out of my house...and to pay for the bills we have. We're also going to sell my couch and chair, my dining room table and chairs, my old entertainment center, and some other things, too.

I've applied for some teaching jobs for the fall. One is at the place I did my internship for my undergrad studies. It's for a Deaf-Blind student. Basically, I would be her eyes and ears, facilitating communication and accessibility to her education. I think I know who it will be, so I'm making the (educated) assumption that this student is a "her".

I also have an interview with the school district 2 districts north of me for an ASL teaching position. That would be VERY cool. It's only a .6 FTE. FTE means Full Time Equivalent...so a full time teacher would be a 1.0 FTE. So, this position is only a .6 FTE, but with where I fall on the pay scale, I should be fine. If not, I can always supplement it with some tutoring or something.

I also had interviews yesterday with 2 families to be their nanny. One family was in a HUGE house south east of me...not too far away...about 15 miles one way. They'll pay about $35,000 a year with 1 week paid vacation, 5 sick days and holidays off. This family had 3 boys: one is going into 1st grade, 1 in Kindergarten, and 1 baby...well, one year old.

The second family lives in the same neighborhood in which I was born and lived for the first 6 years of my life. They have 2 twin girls that are 15 months old. They're learning ASL as their first language, which is REALLY cool! They LOVE playing outside and inside. They LOVE to read. This family only needs someone Mondays and Wednesdays, but it's do-able.

I also had an interview earlier in the week for a family just South of where I live. They have 2 boys: 4 and 1 year old. They're looking for someone quite structured. They're offering $20,000 a year, plus vacation and sick days. But, they're also able to possibly offer me a job share with his sister. She has a 4 year old and would be able to add to that.

So, we'll see what happens.

Going to cook dinner...buh-bye!

Day One-Hundred-Seven...The Beginning of Faith

Today I got a call from one of the staff pastors at my church. He had
been told that I wasn't working and was looking for some assistance. I
explained my situation, which include's Gray Cloak's being sick and not
working, Dilibririth's current physical limitations, Sulla's current
(un)employment situation and my own predicament. I explained that we
have just about enough money to pay for the current bills (through the
middle of July) but that we were tapped...and without food. So, he told
me he would be able to get our family some gift cards to the grocery
store.

So, I just got $50 toward groceries! Yay! God is good!

Off to buy food for the house!

Day One-Hundred-Six...40 Days of Faith

I came across this blog a few weeks ago. It's 40-Days of Faith. It was a journey of prayer and faith for the things that you want to see happen in your life. Because I came upon it late, I decided I would wait until the end to take part in the 40 days of faith.

So, here's the beginning of it. Each day, I'm going to paste the author's post and participate on my own.

So, here's the first one...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Welcome to 40 Days of Faith!

We'll start the official countdown tomorrow. Today is a warm-up day, sort of like when all the runners gather for a pasta dinner the night before the Boston Marathon.

This is an apt comparison, actually--as I discovered the first time I tried asking God for something that mattered to me each day for 40 days, this is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be times you want to give up, days where you couldn't care less, and moments when you think this might be the stupidest thing you've ever tried. It comes with the territory--this is hard, this thing we're doing, putting our hearts out there before God and asking him to make our dreams a reality. But, as Dr. Phil always says, "You can't argue with results..." I've seen amazing results in the times I've set aside to see what God might have to say about my hopes and desires, and I'm only one story out of dozens and dozens. Hard is often worth it; here's hoping this is one of those times!

By way of preparation, here's the basic shape of what we'll be doing.

First: Let's each ask ourselves, "What do I want Jesus to do for me?" If you're not sure about Jesus, that's totally fair. I include him here because he says some pretty astounding things about answering our prayers and giving us a new life that exceeds our expectations...I like the idea of taking him up on this offer. But if this is a new idea, feel free to to preface the question with, "If Jesus really is who he says he is in the Bible, what would I want him to do for me?"A note on this asking: be specific. Ask for something tangible, where you'll know whether or not your prayer has been answered. (For example, I knew exactly when Jesus answered my prayers for a husband. My prayer for a happier attitude towards cleaning the bathroom, on the other hand, is a little tougher to pin down).

Second: Let's consider fasting from something for these 40 Days. I talk about this idea of fasting a bit in my book, and how the Bible suggests it goes hand-in-hand with prayer. During my first 40 Days, I fasted from coffee. In subsequent years I've fasted from reading (which made trips to the hairdresser long as I stared out the window while my highlights foiled...), baked goods, or television. The idea here is that when we're craving coffee or sweets, or passing up the latest issue of People at the salon, we can offer this up to God. I find myself saying, "Lord, I want a husband more than I want caffeine/pop culture updates/dessert right now." Somehow this connects me to my real desires, because I can't escape into the lesser things I use to comfort or distract me.

Important Note: if an eating disorder has ever been a struggle for you, PLEASE don't fast from food. Ask God what your fast should be; he has lots of good ideas!

Third: Teamwork. Each day, I'll post three things on this blog: An inspirational story or passage, some thoughts on why it inspires me, and a song that bolsters my hope when it's flagging. By the end of this time together, not only will we have amazing stories of answered prayer, we'll have a playlist to commemorate this time...what could be better?Your part in this teamwork facet is to check in via the comments. Post a comment every day, letting us know how you're doing. It can be a reaction to the day's writing, an update on something specific, or a funny anecdote that happened that day. If you're losing hope, let us know. If your prayer is answered, let us know. We're in this together!

Okay, that's all for today. I'll see you tomorrow for Day 1. Until then, remember: "What is impossible with man is possible with God." (Luke 18:27) That pretty much covers everything, right?

(This would be a great time, by the way, to click on the comments and say, "I'm in!" If you want to share what you're praying for, great. If not, feel free to keep it private. But let us know you're on the team :))

Bring on the linguini!

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Ok, so...

1) What do I want Jesus to do for me?

This has always been a hard one for me to answer. I want a LOT of things, but I don't want to be greedy, you know? It has always felt like "if you build it, they will come" and I always want to do what God wants me to do. But, in this 40-Days of Faith, I think I'm going to strip down my inhibitions and just "present my requests to God" and watch them come to pass!

So, what do I want? Here's my list (or at least what I can think of at 12:00 in the morning!):

~ I want to get married.
~ I want to have children.
~ I want to be financially secure.
~ I want to buy a house.
~ I want to be out of debt.
~ I want to have a better attitude about myself. That includes about making sure I clean up after myself, keeping my attitude toward my worth higher, keeping my head up and my sense of esteem in Christ first and foremost in my mind.
~ I want to be completely healed from past hurts.
~ I want to make my relationship with the Lord first and foremost in my life.
~ I want to read my Bible daily.
~ I want to pray daily.
~ I want to meditate and hear from God daily.
~ I want to learn to hear His voice.

2) What am I going to fast these next 40 days?

ARGH! I hate this question. I never know exactly what to give up. I could say coffee, but in reality, I don't drink that much. I could say soda, but again, I don't really drink that much. Those wouldn't be much of a sacrifice. I could say beef...I could say chicken...I could say candy...again, not things I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT! So, Lord, what do I fast? Cooking and cleaning? Hee hee! I guess I'm just going to have to pray about this and seek the Lord's direction.

Sigh...

3) Teamwork...well, while I will be looking over the comments on the original blog, I will also make my own comments. If I find something that is interesting, I'll link to it.

An aside about teamwork: when I first read that this was going to be a "team sport", I first thought, "Yay! I won't be in this alone!" However, after blogging this far, I've come to the conclusion that I DO need to do this alone. This is MY 40 days with God. This is MY time to grow closer to Him. This is MY alone time with Him. And that's OK. Jesus was closest to God when He was alone in the desert. Many times, Jesus separated Himself from the crowd to go pray to His Father.

So, starting tonight, I'm going to ask the Lord what He would have me fast. It will have to be something significant, and something I can't replace with something else...otherwise, there is no sacrifice, right?

Day One-Hundred-Five...Trying to Move On

Sigh...

Ok, so I MUST be a glutton for punishment. I accidentally went on Moob's blog (I hadn't removed it from my favorites and it's right below mine). I thought for sure I was over everything, but I'm not. She ABSOLUTELY blasted me and my family again. It's a very immature thing to do. She called me a selfish hag. She called my mom mentally ill (because of greed and the need to control her children) and insinuated that when my mom used the downstairs bathroom, it smelled like "unwashed fat-a$$". She called my dad weak for not standing up to my mother and preventing her from ruining her children. She said she had pictures of my unclean bathroom that she was going to plaster all over her blog, MySpace and ALL the dating sites I've ever gone to before or could possibly go to in the future. She said that my life would end up like it's always been: lonely, wasted, broke. And while I've always feared I'd not married and having no children, I'm never lonely. Even if I was the last person on earth, I'll NEVER be alone. My God and Savior is always with me. My friends (true friends) and family (real family) are always here with me. I'll never be broke because life isn't about money. And my life is never wasted as long as I'm doing God's will...and that's something she'll never understand. She had the chance to understand that, but she walked away from it.

And, you know, the really sad thing is that Moob had the opportunity to really get to know me and my family. She had the opportunity to become an integral member. She was my sister. My dad was her dad. My brother took Millyra out for a "date" because Millyra's dad was out of town for work for several months. At one time, Moob really liked my brother..."like"-liked! Ya...I was trying to get them together. But, Moob kept putting me off. She doesn't believe she deserves happiness. It's really sad...she DOES deserve happiness...she just won't allow herself to have joy.

I guess I've done everything I can do...someday we both will have to stand before God and give account for our actions. All I can do is make sure MY actions are above board.

Sigh...

God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, the wisdom to know the difference.

Day One-Hundred-Four...Interview

I had an interview last night at about 7:00 pm. I was for a caregiving position for a soman about 1/4 miles away from where I live. I can walk to work! So, here's the stats:

~ Employer's name (well, not her real name): Francesca Romani

~ Location: 1/4 miles away

~ Pay: $10 an hour (all private pay!)

~ Time: 40+ hours a week

~ Job duties:

LOTS of transferring - from bed to wheelchair, from wheelchair to restroom, from restroom to chair, chair to car, car to pool, pool back to chair, chair back to car, car to wheelchair, wheelchair back to chair in the house...you get the point.

Shopping: I take Francesca to Costco for groceries

Transportation: We'll be going EVERYWHERE! Francesca has several rental properties in the area as we have to check up on those, we go to the pool, we go shopping...

Overall, I think it's going to be a good, rewarding job. It felt like a shoo-in, but I'd HATE to get my hopes up and then be disappointed. So, I'm going to continue looking for jobs until I hear for sure. If I DO get this job, I'll start the beginning of August, which isn't too far away. Only 15 days.

I've got a few emails out for nanny positions, too...

We'll see what happens...

Day One-Hundred-Three...Changes

So, since I last blogged, there have been some significant changes in my life.

On the home front, that's changed! I'm now living back at home with my parents and my brother. We now have 4 people and 3 dogs in one house. It's pretty crowded, but it's good! There's a LOT more peace in my heart and my life right now that I've felt in a LONG time. Long story, short, Moob flipped out on me. I was out of town for a conference and, via text messaging, within a matter of 45 minutes, she went from, "Oh, sure, Cheyenne (my pooch) can stay overnight and Sulla can get her in the morning" and "have fun at your conference" to "I see the murmuring has continued" and "you're just a @#$!-ing %*&@" and "maybe me and mine need to find another place to live". I still have no idea what set her off...except for an arguement she had with Sulla about picking up some tools left out in the front yard after being used in the remodel. So, June 29th, I went to my conference, June 30th I had to come home, July 1st, I packed up most of my belongings and by July 2nd I was out of the house. Unfortunately, I still have to deal with Moob. She refused to turn over my cable, phone and internet belongings from the cable company. Supposedly a technician is coming over on Wednesday to that house and will collect the equipment, but I have NO idea what condition it will be in. Hopefully, she'll have SOME integrity and NOT damage the equipment, or else I'll have to end up paying over $500 to replace them. We'll see...

On the school front, that's changed, too. Because of all of this "boloney" at my house, I fell behind in my studies by a week. Now, normally this wouldn't be too much. I have my masters degree and THAT was an intense program. This is just an undergraduate degree in English, one of my favorite subjects. However...it is a literature class that has INTENSIVE reading...and DRY material. Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. That was a HARD book to wrap my head around. Anyway, these professors gave assignments in the VERY beginning. I was already late with one assignment because I had to move. There was NO way I could catch up and finish well. So, I emailed my advisor and filled her in on the details of my life. She told me that I would withdraw from classes and, because I was enrolled past the first 10 days of class, I would still be admitted to the program when I return in the fall. So, upon much prayer and petition, I decided to drop summer quarter and will return in the fall. I will continue with my classes and actually finish in the summer of 2009.

On the job front...well, that's different, too. I started a job as a nanny the end of June. But, I was let go on last Friday because they found someone to do it for free. I was sad, but I completely understood. They were paying me $200 a week. They could afford it, but if they found someone to watch Iris Burrows for free, you can't blame them. That's $200 they can use for something else. It's ok...I have an interview on Wednesday evening at 7:00 pm for a caregiver position about 1/4 mile from my house. It's for a woman with MS, 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, and all "private pay". It requires a lot of transfers, but I shouldn't have a problem doing that. I have training in Special Education and part of that was how to perform transfers to and from wheel-chairs. So, I'm excited about it. If you think about it, please pray for me on Wednesday evening at 7:00 pm.

On the construction front...well, the rooms were move-in ready, but not all of the details were completed. We got the big room nearly finished. The only thing we had left to do was put the trim on the walls and the threshhold where the carpet seams come together. We also didn't get to finish the detail painting. We didn't finish trim out the corners because we ran out of time (read that: Moob got her panties in a bunch and wigged out and was pushing for us to get things "functional"...her words, not mine). In the smaller room, Sulla went ALL OUT. Mungo Hamwich is a HUGE Seahawks fan. He plays junior football, even. So, Sulla decided to do a Seahawks theme: Seahawks blue paint on the trim, green paint on the outlet covers, a jersy-style door in which Mungo's name was at the top and the number 12 (signifying the 12th man on the team...it's a Seattle thing!) in the middle of the door. It looked AWESOME! However, after the blowup with Moob, she blogged a rant stating that because Sulla f@$%ed her drawings, Mungo HATED his room. We found out later, from Mungo himself, that he really liked the room.

Ok, I'm not going to spend a LOT of time responding to Moob's rant on her blog because it's really not worth my time and energy. I will say this: I do feel bad for Moob. She has become so bitter with her own life and with the person she has allowed herself to become, that the only way she can feel less miserable is to project the things she hates about herself onto other people, then blast them. And, while I do believe that when she gave her life to Christ, it was real. However, at some time, she allowed herself to be influenced by the lure of her past life. She began going down south and hanging out with her old friends, drinking, dancing and partying. She even decided to spend Mother's day down south instead of here...with her mother...and her daughter. Millyra preferred to spend Mother's day up here, with me, going to church, than with her mother.

Ok, I said I wouldn't spend a LOT of time responding, so, that's it. That's the last I'm going to say about the whole situation. If anyone wants to know the truth, they can email me and I'd be glad to answer any questions. But, I'm not going to blast anyone in this blog. That's not what it's for.

In other news, Sulla and I are considering buying a house together. We do well living together and, when we're both making full time incomes, we can really afford it. We have developed a knack and love for home improvement. Right now, we're getting ready to paint mom and dad's house, renovate the yard and clean up the inside of the house. If we buy a fixer-upper (not too much of a fixer), we can fix it up and rent it out if/when we decide to go our separate ways, keeping it as an asset. That would be VERY cool!

Well, I think that's pretty much all I have to say right now. I'm getting tired and I need to get up and start cleaning. The kitchen is a MESS right now! It'll get done by the end of the week, though.

G'nite!