Day One-Hundred-Two...Peeved

So, the old story goes:

~ Boy meets girl.
~ Girl gets to know boy a little.
~ Girl seems to get along well with boy.
~ Boy seems to look past much of the "negative" things about girl.
~ Girl is pleased.
~ Girl keeps talking with boy about many things.
~ Boy and girl seem to have much in common.
~ Boy mentions that girl's size is not a dealbreaker.
~ Girl makes fatal mistake of mentioning her dealbreakers.
~ Boy then becomes shark-faced jerk and tells girl that "the deal has been broken".
~ Girl confronts boy about mean and rude comments.
~ Boy gets meaner and meaner.
~ Girl is glad boy doesn't know where she lives.
~ Boy respones in a mean-spirited tone, saying he is just indifferent.
~ Girl explains that is no reason for being mean.
~ Girl tries to tell boy that her feelings were hurt.
~ Boy doesn't give a rip.
~ Boy goes into a sob story about being kicked out of the home he has shared with his brother for the last 16 years, and that girl and boy "not working out" is the least of his worries right now.
~ Girl, again, reminds him that is no excuse for being mean.
~ Boy laughs at girl.
~ Girls feeings are hurt even deeper.
~ Boy seemed like a nice guy...even complementing girl on her smile and making her feel good about herself.
~ Boy, was girl wrong!
~ Boy told girl to leave him alone.
~ Girl reminded boy that he was the one that initiated conversation, not girl.
~ Girl told boy that if he would stop writing, trying to defend his rude behavior, girl would have nothing to bother him about.
~ Boy said, "Ok, seriously...stop writing to me".
~ Girl blocked him.
~ Girl is really fed up with boys starting out seeming like gentlemen and turning into jerks.
~ Girl was really surprised, and excited, to get to know someone who really saw beyond all her imperfections.
~ Girl even told brother about boy and how good she felt about getting to know boy.
~ Girl shouldn't be this sad over it. After all, girl only knew boy through MySpace and for only a few days.
~ Girl, still, is sad.
~ Girls feelings are hurt.
~ Girl is doubting herself again.
~ Girl had stopped "looking" for a mate and boy just popped into her inbox.
~ Girl hadn't been on a dating site for months!
~ Girl was starting to be content with where she was.
~ Girl has gone back to school.
~ Girl is a nanny.
~ Girl was just coming to the point where it was OK to be where she was.
~ Boy really put a ripple in that pond.
~ Girl now has a date with Roomie to go dancing with new boys.
~ Girl, right now, doesn't care what boys they are.
~ Girl just wants to have some fun for a change.
~ Girl just wants to be Girl for now.
~ Girl wants to love, be loved, be in love, sure, but girl also wants to have a bit of fun before she's too old to have any.
~ Girl is losing hope.
~ Girl is very emotional right now.
~ Girl is starting to wonder what will become of her. Will she end up a "cat lady" with no cats?
~ Girl doesn't particularly like cats as pets.
~ Girl doesn't want to end up old and alone.
~ Girl wants to have a husband and children.
~ Girl isn't sure that's really ever going to happen.
~ Girl really is just stupid for being this upset over boy...especially since girl hardly knew boy.
~ Girl is just dumb.
~ Girl needs to get a life.
~ Girl needs to get out and meet people.
~ Girl is going with Roomie down south in a few weeks to have a blast...hopefully.
~ Boy has no idea how much words can cut deeply.
~ Girl feels really bad right now.
~ Girl is going to go to sleep and hopefully wake up feeling better.

Day One-Hundred-One...I Fell Asleep!

I've been quite tired the last few weeks with the remodeling going on. Then, last night, Moob and Orangeblossom came home just as I was going to head to bed. Well, we hadn't talked all day, so I thought I'd stay up a little and catch up with them. An hour-and-a-half later, I finally went to bed...about 12:30. Mind you, that would be fine if I were on summer break. Wait, I AM on summer break, but I'm working. I get to hang out with Iris Burrows this summer! She's totally awesome, but that's another post.

So, I had to get up at 6:30 so I could be to Iris's house by 7:30 or so to get her to a class. I did. Her class is an hour long. I went up to the parking lot of QFC and started reading. I set my alarm to go off at 8:45 so I'd have 15 minutes to get back and pick her up. Well...I fell asleep reading Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway. It's a hard book to follow, so it took a LOT of brain power. So, like I said, I fell asleep.

Needless to say, I over slept! I woke myself up at 9:30! I was 30 minutes late getting Iris at school! ARGH! Fortunately, she had somewhere safe to stay. We now have each others cell numbers if something happens again. I pray it won't, but just in case!

So, tonight, I'm going to bed early! I need to catch up on my ZZZ's!

Day One Hundred...And Then, Rejected

So, I lost my job. Three and a half days before the end of the year. I stayed home several times due to genuine migraines and didn't get my doctor's notes in on time, so the HR woman fired me.

I was having fun...

Sigh...

At least I have the Nanny job for the summer. And, possibly some student loans I can live on.

We'll see...

Shreck...

...THE MUSICAL! Yes, I just heard about it! It's coming to the Seattle 5th ave theater in August! I may have to take Millyra and Iris Burrows.

That'd be hilarious!

Day Niney-Nine...I Got Accepted!

I'm going back to school! Yes, yes I am! I'm getting a second BA in English, as well as my endorsement in English/Language Arts. So, hopefully, I'll be starting classes on June 23rd. Maybe. I was admitted on a "late admit", so I'm not sure if I'll start on the first day or not. I hope I do.

I'm hoping to take 2 classes on campus, and one online. The online will be Spanish. It's an immersion class. It'll be cool! The on-campus classes will be American Literature: Contemporary America and Special Studies in Literature: The Perils of Presence.

In the fall, I should be taking a full load in the evenings...I havent' quite figured out which ones I'm going to take. I have the option to take the following classes:

COMM 340 History of Mass Communication
COMM 201 Introduction to Communication I
COMM 202 Introduction to Communication II
ENGL 302 Critical Practice
ENGL 333 English Novel - Early and Middle 19t Century
ENGL 330 English Literature - The Romantic Age
ENGL 352 American Literature - The Early Nation
ENGL 353 American Literature - Later Nineteenth Century

For the Winter and Spring, I have the choice of the following classes:

Intro to Linguistic Thought
American Literatyre - The Colonial Period
American Literature - Later Nineteenth Century
Women Writers
The Composition Process
Reading Major Texts
Traditions in American Fiction
Rise of the English Novel
Early Novel: Early and Middle 19th Century
American Literatyre - Contemporary America
History of Film: 1960 - Present
Senior Seminar
Elementary Spanish II

I only have to take a total of 45 credits. So, that means with the 15 credits I'm taking, I only have to be in school for 3 quarters, meaning I'll graduate in Winter of 2008.

But, I may just continue through Spring and get a few extra credits. We'll see. I do want to take 2 years of Spanish. That would be very cool...

Day Ninety-Eight...I Can Get Cable!

Ok, so I already have cable, but the title is in reference to a commercial that was on several years ago in which a girl gets a phone call from an employer offering her a job. While the employer is describing the job and benefits, you hear the girl's inner-voice saying "I got the job, I got the job! Who got the job? I got the job! I can move out of my parents' house. I can get a cat. Awww...I can get cable!"

So...

I got the job! I got the job! Who got the job? I got the job! The Nanny job for the summer, that is! I have yet to hear about the teaching jobs. And, while I don't live with my parents, I don't want a cat and I already have cable, I can do some things with the extra money I'll be earning...like get out of debt, have my truck serviced and the AC fixed, and get my teaching certificate replaced and add my Deaf-Ed endorsement added at the same time. I'll be MUCH better off this way.

And, I just made my first play-date! My girlfriend has a membership to the zoo! She can get herself, her 4 year old and 1 other child in for free. Everyone else is half-price! I'm so excited. It'll be like being a real mom...only I get paid!

Hmmm...gotta make more names...brb

~ Iris Burrows...that is my summer charge.
~ Rosie-Posie Bramble of Willowbottom: my girlfriend from down south who is moving up north.
~ Peony Brockhouse of Loamsdown: Rosie-Posie's daughter.

Ok, so Rosie-Posie Bramble has the zoo membership. She can get Iris Burrows, Peony Brockhouse and herself in for free. Then if Moob agrees, I could get Millyra in for half price and myself for half price. That'd be WAY cool! Take a backpack with lunches, walk the zoo, eat, walk the rest of the zoo! How cool would that be!

In other news, I went back to the podiatrist. On July 1, I get custom made orthodics for my shoes. I have fallen arches in both feet, as well as tendonitis. I mentioned it earlier. My doctor also said that, although this issue happens to skinny people, too, if I lost a significant amount of weight, it would be very beneficial. I told him I was thinking about LapBand surgery and he totally agreed that I should explore that as an option. He even offered to write a letter of support and medical necessity. That should be transcribed and mailed to my house this week.

And, speaking of LapBand, my family and I are going to an informational meeting tomorrow evening to find more out about the procedure, etc. It should be interesting. I'll have to look again, but I believe that according to the surgical center's website, my insurance has historically paid for some or all of the procedure. If that's the case, I am SO jumping on that. I don't care if others think it's a crutch, a cop-out, the "easy way out", a temporary fix, the cheater's way, or any other negative perspective. I've tried and tried and tried to lose weight, but can't seem to get it under control. I told Moob the other day I've been on Weight Watchers about 6 times since I was 15 and lost 50 pounds about 10 times. So, I think this will be a good thing for me.

Well, I think that's all for now. Its already nearly 2 hours past my bedtime. Who knew at 32, I'd have a bed time...and it would be early! Heh!

Day Ninety-Seven...I Can't Sleep!

So, I thought I'd write down some of the things on my mind so hopefully I'll get tired and go to sleep...sincei have to be up at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow for work!

1) I have an interview for a summer Nanny/Companion/Tutor job about 15 minutes away from my house. It will be for an 11-year old girl who loves swimming. tennis, horse-back riding and other activities. In fact, the family owns horses that they board up north. Part of my job will be to drive her there a few days a week to ride. She's also dyslexic. She has school during the summer for about an hour, and also some reading homework to do so she doesn't regress (lose the progress she's made already), but other than that, it's an open day for her. It will be perfect for both of us. I may even be able to take Millyra with me and the two of them can play together...or we can all go to the zoo or aquarium or park or...wherever Millyra has come up with for our "to-do" list!

So, I'm meeting with the mother and daughter...and possibly her father...tomorrow at 6. I'm not at all nervous...except for when they see my size. Many people assume that because I'm fat, I'm not active. I am active as muc as I can be. And, since I've gotten my sleeping more under control, I have a LOT more energy to do things. Ayway, that's kinda concerning me. I did tell her I was overweight, but I belonged to the Y and am trying to lose some weight.

2) I only have 2 more weeks of school left. I have Monday through Friday of this week, then Monday through half of Friday next week. Then it's SUMMER BREAK! I'm so excited! And, even though I have to work, I get to choose the job because I get my salary through August.

3) I sent a thank-you card to the princpal with whom I interviewed last week...for the ASL job. I really want to stand out.

4) The second ASL job closes tomorrow. It's also a .8 FTE at a different high school. I would take that one if they offered it to me.

5) I REALLY want the DHH job. I've been "obsessing" about it since the day I saw it posted. It's hard to not get my hopes up...I'm a realist, but I'm also full of self-doubt when it comes to my abilities.

6) I'm really concerned about Dilibririth. I've been researching the Lap Band weight loss surgery. I have her almost convinved to do it. We're actually all going to an informational seminar on Tuesday to learn more about it.

7) I'm kinda hungry...

8) I'm getting sleepy...

9) Veeeeeeeery sleepy...

10) G'nite!

Day Ninety-Six...The Chance of a Lifetime

So, as some of you know, I've been trying to get into a teaching job at a specific district here in the area. In fact, it's the same district in which I attended 4th through 12th grade. I graduated from this district and would LOVE...translation - it is my DREAM GOAL - to teach in the same district. What an amazing story...to come full-circle like that! Anyway, tomorrow I have my first opportunity. I'm interviewing for an ASL position at my former high school. Now wouldn't THAT be cool! I'd be teaching alongside some of my former teachers! What a trip! *Squeaking with delight* Yes, tomorrow I have an interview at 9am. And you wonder why I'm still up, not fast asleep? Because I'm SO nervous. I've had such crappy experiences thus far, I don't have the tools I need to be confident and to assert that I AM a good teacher. My track record says I'm not all that good. And sure, I'm not all that experienced, but I am good at what I do. I haven't gotten that one great opportunity to show what I can do without bashing my head into the wall.

Sigh...

So, I hope this is my foot in the door. It's only a .8 FTE (80% of a full time employee), but because of my masters degree and my experience, I am not starting out at base salary. So, I can survive quite well on 80% of my starting salary. In fact, I'll be making about $500 more a month than I'm making now.

And, if THIS position isn't my foot in the door, then I have 2 other opportunities. There's another .8 ASL position at another high school. I'd like that one, too. It's not quite as nice as my high school, but at least it's in the district.

But...

The one I REALLY want...

Is the full-time Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing teacher at the K-8 school where I did my internship in 2005. I would LOVE that job. I already know the principal, the program, the program manager, the students, the other teachers, the Interpreters, and the school...it would be a PERFECT FIT! Ultimately, that's where I want to work.

Sigh...

That job closes on June 11, I think. I'm going to mail a letter to the principal there and let her know I'm very interested. I'll do some name-dropping and see where it gets me.

Sigh...

In other news...

I'm going to Monmouth, OR on Saturday. I have a workshop I'm going to attend. It's about Assessment Tools in the ASL classroom. It'll be VERY informative. I'm also going to a 3-day workshop in the south-end in August. That'll be a thorough training on how to use the Master ASL curriculum. It's free to me because I'm part of the ASL Consortium. I'm working on getting my curriculum approved so that the students who earn a B or better in my high school class can get college credit to satisfy foreign language requirements or pre-req classes if they want to go into a Deafness-related career. Anyway, these 2 conferences/workshops should help me plan for next year, provided I get either of the ASL jobs.

So, right now, my career is very up-in-the-air feeling right now. I have paychecks through August and benefits through September, but after that...

Sigh...

I'll keep y'all posted!

Too Funny!

Day Ninety-Five...An Interview

I've been trying to get on as a teacher a certain school district since I graduated in 2005. I even got my my masters degree in order to teach in the DHH program there. Well, that possibility is finally here. I have an interview with them for an ASL position on Thursday, June 5th at 9 am.

I REALLY want this job! But, as I've always said, I want what God wants more. So, if it's His will for me is to have it, GREAT! If not, yes, I'll be sad, but, I'll be content because I know He has something greater for me.

Sigh...

I still want it VERY, VERY VVVVVVEEEEERRRRYYYY much!

The Definition of Atheism:

The belief that there was

nothing

and

nothing

happened to

nothing

and then

nothing

magically exploded

for no reason,

creating

everything

and then a bunch of

everything

magically rearranged itself,

for no reason whatsoever,

into self-replicating bits which then turned into

dinosaurs.

Makes     PERFECT     sense.

Day Ninety-Five...Back to Work Tomorrow

So, here's the update on my job situation. I had my meeting with HR and my union rep last Monday. The principal didn't want me back. That stung. But, I did hear from my department head that he never wanted an ASL program at the high school in the first place. Figures. But, the district wanted to honor the contract we had, so the HR woman said I would be working with a current district teacher in a self-contained special education classroom. That way, I would still get my salary (just a little less than my normal salary because of all the unpaid time off) through the end of August and benefits through the end of September. Well, I was SUPPOSED to hear from her last week Tuesday afternoon. She was SUPPOSED to find a job for me for last week Wednesday. She didn't. I had to cancel substitute jobs for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday because she told me I would go back to work on Wednesday. I didn't.

I heard from her today. I'm going to a middle school in north Renton. Which is OK with me. I won't get off as early as I did at the high school, but not as late as the elementary schools. So, I start tomorrow at 10am. I meet with the principal at the school at 10am. Then, I imagine I start working that day. Maybe, I'll just meet the principal and the teacher, get to see the kids and then start working on Thursday. That'd be cool.

On the home front, I've been sleeping with my mask now for about a week and I can definitely tell a difference. I have WAY the heck more energy than I've EVER had. In fact, I got up the other day and worked for about 3 hours with Grey Cloak in the new bedrooms, taping and mudding. I've NEVER done that before. I give out after about 30 minutes because I'm JUST exhausted. It's been hard to just get up and go to work every day. Now, I'm actually excited to go back to work and see how much more I can accomplish with the new energy.

Speaking of the new bedrooms, we're almost done. The walls are up. The floor is down. The windows are in. Nearly all the seams have been taped and mudded. Moob and I are planning to finish up the taping and mudding this week so we can sand and texture this weekend. Then, once the texturing is done and dried (about 2-3 days), we can paint. Once that is dried, we can lay the carpet and move Olorin downstairs. Then, we can paint the upstairs room that Olorin was in so Moob can move in there. Then, we can paint Moob's old room so the new roomie can move in.

Hmmm...I have to give her and her son names.

Brb...

Orangeblossom Bulge of Great Smials (new roomie)

and

Mungo Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern (new roomie's son)

Fitting...for both of them! Hee hee!

Ok, so once Orangeblossom and Mungo move in, we'll have 4 adults, 2 kids, 1 kid-to-be, 3 dogs, 2 cats and 2 turtles. Whew! That's a houseful! But, it'll be SO much fun!

More Fun Stuff

1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:
(father & mother's middle name)

Michael Joyce

2. NASCAR NAME:
(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)

Melvin Willard

3. STAR WARS NAME:
(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)

WheJe

4. DETECTIVE NAME:
(favorite color, favorite animal)

Purple Jaguar

5. SOAP OPERA NAME:
(middle name, county where you were born)

Michelle Seattle

6. SUPERHERO NAME:
(2nd favorite color, favorite drink, add 'THE' to the beginning)

The Blue Macchiatto

7. FLY NAME:
(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 3 letters of your last name)

JeWhe

8. GANGSTA NAME:
(favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)

Reeses Chocolate Chip

9. ROCK STAR NAME:
(current pet's name, current street name)

Cheyenne Washington

10. STRIPPER NAME:
(name of your favorite perfume/cologne, favorite candy)

Velocity Riesen

What We Gonna Do Tonight, Brain?

This one's for DAN!

Day Ninety-Four...The Result

Ok, so I didn't sleep very well last night. I kept waking up with my mask vibrating against my face. I had to adjust it several times during the night, so, I didn't wake up feeling all that rested. I did notice a few differences, though:

1) When I did sleep, I slept well. I remember having a couple dreams, too. That usually doesn't happen!

2) When I got up at 5:30 to pee, I wasn't just exhausted, even after only 6 hours of sleep. If I had wanted to, I could have stayed up and had a very full day.

3) When I got in the shower, I didn't want to go back to sleep. Usually, once the water hits me, I have to force myself to stay moving so I stay awake.

4) Although I was tired today from shopping and being on my feet too long, I didn't have that exhaustion I usually feel. Yes, I'm tired, but it's midnight...I SHOULD be tired!

So far, that's it. So, although it's no magic pill, I really believe that after I get the kinks worked out, once I'm accustomed to wearing the mask and sleeping in new positions to not make the mask fart, it will really help.

Luuuuuuuuuke...

Today, I got my CPAP machine. For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with severe obstructive sleep apnea. That means that I stop breathing for 10 seconds or more several times a night. Now, everyone hold your breath for 10 seconds. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10. And breathe. Ok, not so bad. You could probably go longer. And be just fine. But suppose I woke you up several times during the night to do that. Say, over 200 times to be exact. You'd never get any sleep. Well, that's what happens to be. I don't necessarily fully wake up to hold my breath, but my sleep is disturbed over 200 times...and that was just in the 6 hour test period. In a normal 8 hour period of sleep, I don't breathe for a minimum of 50 minutes. Basically, I fall asleep, hod my breath, wake up enough to breathe, fall back to sleep, wait 45 seconds, hold my breath again, wake up to breathe, fall back to sleep and do it all over again...200 times. I'm sorry I keep emphasizing that but, WOW, that's a LOT of times. It's no wonder I'm exhausted all the time!

So, fast forward to today. I got my breathing machine. In fact, I'm lying here in bed with a mask on my face that totally makes me feel like Darth Vader! Lol! It's kinda weird, but at the same time, I have mentally prepared myself to sleep with it. And, really, the only problem I foresee is learning not to roll over without adjusting my hose. Well, that and making out in bed, but we'll jump off that bridge when we come to it. That's not an IMMEDIATE concern! Hee hee!

So, tonight is the first night I'll have this mask. If I'm like most people, I'll feel better right away. Not 100% better, but improved. If I'm like my dad, it'll take a while to notice a difference. This is the one thing I HOPE and PRAY he DIDN'T pass on to me. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Day Ninety-Four...Still Employed (Kinda)

Well, I met with the HR woman, the Employee Relations woman and my union rep (who is JUST AMAZING! She's awesome!) today about my job. Just a snapshot, I was off for Spring Break the 1st week of April, then I got sick the 2nd, 3rd and 4th week of April. I had BAD bronchitis, on the verge of pneumonia. I was literally on bedrest for 3 weeks. My doctor finally released me back to work on April 28th. Well, I got notice that I was put on administrative leave, pending their findings on a few "issues" they had with me and my classroom management. For more info on those things, keep reading my other posts. Anyway, i met with the HR woman, the Employee Relations woman, my union rep and the principal and they threw some things at me, let me "respond"...my responses were very orchestrated...like in court when the lawyer asks a question that is a yes/no question, but the witness/defendant attempts to explain themselves and the lawyer cuts them off or questions them in such a way as to make them look bad. That's what it felt like anyway.

Fast forward to today. I met with those above...except the principal. But the principal didn't want me back at the high school. He, through the Employee Relations woman, said that there was not enough time between now and the end of the year to fix the issues. He said that there were many students, specifically my seniors, who were still very concerned about graduating because they didn't get any feedback and/or grades. He said that he found my files with their graded and returned papers, but that there were several papers with "good job" but no feed back or grades. Well, duh! Those are the papers that if you did them, you got credit and if you didn't you didn't. It wasn't a graded assignment.

He also didn't think that there was enough time to train me to improve my classroom management skills for secondary classrooms. (uh, sir,...it's the STUDENTS! NOT THE TEACHER!)

However, despite the fact that the principal didn't want me back, the district decided they would honor the contract. But, I will not be back teaching ASL at the high school. Instead, I will be a Teaching Assistant in a self-contained Special Education classroom. I will still get my teacher's salary...and will be paid through the end of August. In addition, I will continue with my benefits through the end of September, which is long enough for me to secure another teaching job and continue my benefits elsewhere. And, because I was sick for 3 weeks, rather than taking ALL of that out of my May 30 paycheck, the payroll department and the HR department re-calculated my contract so that the "sting" will be spread out through the next 4 months. Meaning, I will get a little less than my usual teaching salary each month, but it will be a consistent amount at the end of May, June, July and August. So, financially, I will be OK. Especially if I get the job for which I interviewed down in Vancouver.

And, I don't have to work this summer. I CAN work, but I don't HAVE to work. I might work part time...it depends. I just want to get through the end of the year right now. I have 5 weeks left until the last day of school. I can do it. And, this rearranging of my contract is a blessing. I can go to work, come home and not have to worry about lesson plans. I don't have to worry about being prepared as much as I would have with my previous assignment. It's quite relieving not having to worry about it. I will have to clear out my classroom of my personal belongings, but I'm going to do that on Thursday at 2:30...after students are gone. I get to bring my chair home! It's kinda cool!

Anyway, now I can go camping and not have to worry about taking time off a new job. YAY! I won't be able to go to Joyce Meyer with Moob on the 30th, but a small sacrifice for the bigger picture. As much as I would LOVE to go, I just can't.

So, that's the story in a nutshell. God has shown me grace and mercy in this situation and I have to be SO much more responsible. I can't stay home on too many "mental health" days. I can't blow my money with the idea that I'll get another paycheck at the end of the month. I can't spend any money until I know all of my bills are taken care of. I can't eat out. I can't just throw money away.

I hope that this situation won't ruin my chances of getting a teaching job for next year.

On a different note, I've applied to the University of Washington for Summer Quarter. I have been thinking (for quite some time) of going back to college and getting 1 more endorsement: English/Language Arts. It would open up so many more options for me. I could teach middle or high school English in addition to Elementary School, Special Ed and Deaf Ed. So, I would have 4 endorsements, plus subbing I could do. I was initially just going to pursue the additional endorsement...until I found out that as a non-matriculated student (that's the fancy way of saying I'm not pursuing an actual degree), I wouldn't qualify for federal financial aid. So.......I looked into what it would take as far as time and credits to complete another degree. I was thinking of a Masters in English, but I thought, nah, I already have a Masters degree. It was quite intense work. So, I looked into a Bachelors in English. If I can transfer all of my credits from the community college under the Direct Transfer Agreement or something like it, I should be able to JUST concentrate on the classes for my major. I can incorporate the courses I need for the endorsement AND the degree. So...I should come out WAY ahead. Now, I just have to figure out how to pay for it. Hopefully, I'll qualify for financial aid OTHER than loans. If not, I may not do it.

Sigh...

Going to make a box for a birthday gift.

Late...

It's now 11:02 and I'm still in the waiting room.

Sigh...

Truth Time...

I have an appointment at 11:00 with HR and my Principal and my Union Rep to see if I still have a job. I'm waiting in the waiting area in the district office.

I'm not nervous at all. Whatever happens, happens and I know I'll be alright. Either way, God will take care of me and those who depend on me.

Day Ninety-Three...Many Things On My Mind

1) Tomorrow, the 14th, Millyra goes away to 5th grade camp for 3 days. I'm a little weirded out by my feelings about it. She's not my birth child, but...I'm feeling a little weird about not havng her around for 3 days. I'm already thinking about her coming home with wonderful stories. I miss her already...and she's not even gone yet! Strange!

2) I still haven't heard from the district about my job. It's been a week and a half since I was given the all-clear by my doctor to return to work. The district seems to be dragging their feet. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE the fact that I'm on paid leave. But, my kids, unless they've found a sub who knows ASL, are missing out on their education.

3) I had an interview today at a private school for the deaf near my home (about 25 minutes south of where I live). It was an awkward interview. Well, actually, the interview went VERY well. It's for a Teacher of the Deaf position, but it's in a Signed Exact English program, whereas most my my adult experience and education is from an ASL program. So, part of me felt like a "traitor to the cause", but the majorty of me felt good about the possibilities it opens for me. It will allow me to work with professionals in the field. It will allow me to gain another year experience. It's a paycheck! And, the school is small enough that the administration are deeply involved in th3e classrooms...I like that. They'd like to make a decision by the end of this month.

4) Moob and I worked out for 75 minutes today. We rode 15 minutes on the stationary bike, walked 30 minutes on the treadmill, and did the weight circuit for 30 minutes. I don't hurt, but by ab muscles are a little unhappy with me.

5) I suck at managing my money. First, I mixed up the bank cards between my personal account and the household account, so I spent my $75 of grocery money on mother's day gifts and last minute ingredients for dinner. Second, I've been off work for going on 5 weeks, 3 of which were unpaid. I'm not sure, but I think I'll have a VERY tiny paycheck at the end of this month. I don't know if I'll have enough to pay my rent. I can call payroll tomorrow and find out. I MIGHT get the economic stimulus payment on Friday, but I don't know if I qualify for sure. If I get it, that will be a minimum of $300. I hope I get the $600.

6) I ran over someone's chihuahua today. On my way to the interview, I was on the highway, cruising at about 45 miles an hour with lots of traffic, when, literally out of no-where, this little chihuahua comes BOLTING onto the highway. I had seconds to react. I slammed on my breaks in an effort to avoid him, but looked back and realized the dude behind me was going to hit me. I couldn't afford that (though I'm insured, I can't be without a vehicle for work...when I go back). So, I let off the break and swerved my best to avoid a hit from both ends...but the dog was running at an angle. I busted right over him...it made me sick. It still makes me sick...

7) I should be in bed sleeping right now (1:15 am), but, of course, I can't sleep. I could have been in bed by 9 or so...well, even when Moob went to bed (11:00), I could have gone at the same time. But, instead, I watched a little TV, came up to bed and have been laying here for an hour. I'm tired, but every time I close my eyes, my mind starts to race.

8) Moob and I are scheduled to work out again tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it on one hand. But on the other (I'm still awake at 1:15 in the morning) hand, I'm dreading it. Maybe we can go later in the day...that might help.

9) I've applied for Financial Aid with the government. I submitted my FAFSA yesterday and it was processed today. My Expected Family Contribution is $0.00! That's awesome! Now, I just have to figure out how to apply for aid through the college. Generally, non-matriculated (not pursuing a degree) students don't get financial aid. So, I have an email in to the financial aid office. The deadline for summer application is May 15, so...

10) I think I'm done...

Day Ninety-Two...

Day Ninety-One...Mother's Day

I'm so thankful for my mom. We've grown so close over the last several years...we're AMAZING friends. It's been fun watching our relationship go from parent:child to woman:woman. We can confide anything to each other...and do! I'm so blessed...

So, for mother's day, I cooked dinner. I had a london broil marinading overnight. It was SO yummy! The marinade was from www.allrecipes.com...my new favorite cooking website. Anyway, the marinade was vegetable oil, balsamic vinegar, worcesterchire sauce, soy sauce, lemon juice, thyme, basil, oregano and dijon mustard. By the time I whisked everything together, it came out about the consistency of brown gravy. I put the meat in 2 zipper bags with the marinade, then put the bags in the fridge overnight. Man, oh, man, was that yummy! The only thing I did "wrong" (according the Sulla, our resident trained chef) was throwing the marinade out and not reducing it to make a sauce to go over the beef. However, he said it was perfect!

Then, for side dishes, I made baked fanned potatoes. I cut the potatoes about every 1/4 inch or so, but not all the way through. I used 2 of my wooden spoons as a knife guide. Then I fanned them out on a baking sheet. I sprinkled them with italian seasoning, sea salt and melted butter. Then, I baked them at 450 degrees for 50 minutes. Then, while the recipe called for cheddar, I added mozzarella, parmesan and parsley, sprinkling that mixture and finishing the baking process for another 15 minutes. A culinary masterpiece with a dollop of sour cream. Again, Sulla said they were perfect.

For veggies, we had a typical salad. I also cooked carrots and pearl onions in the frozen section with which I lightly tossed butter, lemon juice, salt and dill. Mmm...mmm...grubbin'!

I also cooked biscuits...just plain 'ol biscuits...directly from the can. Heh!

Finally, for dessert, I must confess. I made 2 desserts because I am so indecisive. It hurst my brain to decide what undies I'm going to wear with an outfit! So, I choose a peanut butter bar and a "7-layer" bar that actually only had 5 layers...hmmm...

And, again, Sulla, the trained, experienced expert in the field, told me everything was BRILLIANT! Oh, he didn't actually say it...but he MEANT it!

And Dilibririth, my mommy, loved it!

She gave me the best compliment. She saod, "You have become such a good cook". Now, I've never had confidence flowing out my pores, so to hear that my whole family, including the one who is trained to do things like this, approved...even said it was PERFECT!

Then came the coffee. Dilibririth and I had some coffee after dinner, and after the boys left and the dishes were done,to settle our tummies. It was quite good.

Also, today was a day I felt validated...

I've wanted to have children for a LONG time. Well, this morning, my pastor wanted to honor all mothers in the room. He made all of us women who were 21 and older stand up because, "[you] may not have any birth children, but [you're] mothering someone."

Wow...what a way to have your feelings acknowledged and validated. I got a flower and a chocolate bar for mother's day!

Day Ninety...More Bitter than Sweet

Grey Cloak, my dad, is the most amazing man I know. He has such a gentle, gracious, giving, peace-making spirit...

Back in November, Grey Cloak invited a young man from his work, Angarator, and his 6-year old son, Findecano, to come stay in their spare bedroom until they could get back on their feet. Angarator is an addict who had just gotten out of rehab. Well, this arrangement went very well for the first month or so. Well, really through December 31st when Angarator was arrested on a probation violation and thrown into jail for 3 weeks. My parents watched Findecano for those 3 weeks. Angarator used my phone to make collect calls to keep in touch with his son. He finally got out and, again, was doing well. Then he started not coming home on Friday nights after work, leaving Findecano with my folks or brother. He'd shut off his phone so he wouldn't be bothered. He wouldn't return phone calls. Nothing.

When he was confronted, he confessed what he had done and promised not to do it again. He started to earn a little trust back. Well, my brother loaned him some gas money by letting him use his debit card at the bank. Well, Angarator stole nearly $300 from my brother. We also suspect he stole $250 from my mother's purse, not to mention the times he's promised to turn over most, if not all, his pay on Fridays.

Well, during all this time, we have seen Findecano change...from good to bad. He's 6. He's still very impressionable...and he's smart. He knows what's going on, though he can't put words to it, yet. During the time Angarator was in jail, Findecano did SO well. He was choosing to behave rather than acting up. He was being very good. As soon as dad came back from jail, that all changed. He started lying and stealing. He started sassing back. He started having the most ROTTEN, back-talking attitude.

Angarator has been given chance, upon chance, upon chance. Each time, he has thumbed his nose at Grey Cloak. Grey Cloak has done everything possible...including offering (at 54 years old) to go take the classes to become a foster parent again for Findecano, while Angarator was in treatment (he fell off the wagon several times). Angarator, being as selfish as he is, refused.

Chance after chance, time after time, Grey Cloak has wanted to give Angarator the benefit of the doubt. Had Findecano not been in the picture, I truly believe Angarator would have been out long ago. But, how could he send a 6-year old out to live in a car? He couldn't. Sulla and Dilibririth couldn't quite see that. Grey Cloak was between a rock and a hard place. But, he did the best he could.

So, fast forward to last night. Angarator had told Grey Cloak that he'd be back Friday night around 11:30 or so...which came and went. Then, he called and said he'd be home by noon...which also came and went. Finally, he called and said he'd be there by 6:30...which ALSO came...and...went. Meanwhile, we have his child. He left his child overnight without arranging it previously. Well, Grey Cloak decided that he'd had enough and told him on the phone several times that he needed to be home asap.

... ... ...

Of course, he took his sweet time getting home. He didn't show up until nearly 3 hours AFTER he told Grey Cloak he'd be there.

Now, the part I'm sad about is the fact that Findecano had to get mixed up in all this. He's only a boy...he deserves so much better, so much more, so much more unconditional love and parenting than Angarator can give him.

I also see that Angarator gets a child he doesn't really want while I am stuck here childless, wanting the children I can't have.

... ... ...

Sigh

So, Findecano is in God's hands now, wherever he is, protecting him, loving him, nurturing him, ready to come running when he realizes he can't do it himself.

I wish I could see that day...among others...

Day Eighty-Nine...Sigh

So, as directed, I contacted the HR department on Friday to see if I had a job on Monday. I actually called early the morning, I heard nothing. So, I emailed the about noon. Again, I heard nothing. So, called the principal about 3:30, left a message, then heard nothing. Finally, I emailed everyone again at 3:30. About 15 minutes later, I heard back and the HR woman said that they would be working this weekend and would let me know what to do come Monday. She instructed me that I am NOT to come to work until I hear affirmatively that I am to return to work.

Sigh...

Kinda weird, but, whatever! Until then, I'm on paid administrative leave...I get a paid vacation.

I'm running out of things to do...

Except cleaning my room...I could do that :-D

Day Eighty-Eight...Awaiting Answers

So, my fate lies in the hands of complete strangers. I know how defendants on trial feel, but the people judging my case aren't even a jury of my peers. Still, I am not anxious about being fired. I AM anxious about finding out one way or the other. I AM anxious about getting back to work and finishing the school year with my students and well. I AM anxious about building trust with my students in the next 5-6 weeks left of school. I AM anxious that when I go to apply to my next job, this will have a negative impact on me getting that job.

Sigh...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, make your requests known to God."

"And the peace that passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus."

Two of the verses I live by.

I have peace and confidence, not in myself and my abilities, but in the fact that God will take care of the situation in the way His name will be most glorified...despite me and anything I can do.

On the home front, Moob and Olorin are going out of town tomorrow, leaving Millyra at home with me for the weekend. I'm excited! It hasn't been just her and I...well, ever, I think! Heh! That's because we all live together and wherever Moob goes, Millyra goes. But this weekend, I have some fun things planned. First and foremost, SHRIMP! We are the 2 in the house that LOVE shrimp! We don't ever eat it because 1) it's expensive, and 2) we wouldn't eat it just ourselves in front of Moob and Olorin. So, it's gonna be steak and shrimp. And, we'll probably do some baking...maybe some movies. Just have an all-over girl's weekend! Then, we'll go to church with my parents and brother for Mother's Day and come back to my place for dinner. Haven't figured out what I'm cooking, yet. I DO have a London Broil I could cook if I got some more propane for the BBQ. That would be good, picking up some baby red potatoes and cooking them with some veggies. Yum! I think I might do that...

And, I'll have Sulla (my bro) figure out some dessert or something. He did that last year. He and Millyra made individual tiramisu bowls. Yum!

Or, we just might get a watermelon or something.

We'll see...

A Good Meeting...

So, I got to the meeting and there were SO many different accusations they had for me...in addition to me being out for so long sick.

1) No Substitute Plans

~ Ok, that's just rediculous. Do I LOOK stupid? Why would I submit an absence and not submit sub plans? The first 2 times, the sub didn't get my plans and my students complained. So, since that time, I've emailed the secretary at the high school with a copy of my lesson plans...to cover my bahookie (thanks Andrew!). So, the principal will have to check with the secretary on that.

2) No daily work

~ Students were complaining to the principal that they don't have daily work to do. Uhhhh...again, rediculous! ASL is a visual language, not a written one, so the work we do isn't going to be written down. I explained to the principal that I have daily participation points that is a major chunk of student grades. If students come to class and participate by following directions, behaving well and doing their work, they get all the points for the day. If they're late, they get 2 points off. If they don't show, they don't get the points. They can make them up by doing outside work (like if they're gone for a field trip or other school related issues), but if after 1 week, it's not made up, they get a zero for that day. And, that has been my policy from day one!

3) I told all my students I was going to give them all failing grades despite the work they turn in and they were worried they wouldn't be able to participate in graduation.

~ No. I told the principal I would NEVER say ANYTHING like that. That would not be fair to the students who actually come to class and do the work (like the ones I can count on 2 hands!). I told the principal (and the others at the meeting) that if a student fails the class it's because they earned it.

4) I never posted any grades for students.

~ Well, this is malarkie because I spent many hours at home grading papers and entering them in the gradebook. All my students, and their parents, have been given the website to access their grades. If they have internet connection (which you can always get at the local library), they can have access to their grades. I HAVE to keep up on it...otherwise, I'll have 85 kids asking to see their grades every day!

5) I neglected to submit quarter grades for students.

~ That's because I was given incomplete information about how to submit grades. I was told by the Tech Education/Computer Teacher (who also happens to be my Department Chair at the high school) that I could enter the grades and be "good to go". So, I did. I entered them and was good to go! I even entered comments on their quarter grades because I wanted parents to know that their students' grades were lower because they hadn't completed a major (100 point) assignment by its due date. I subsequently gave them an extension because the material is valuable and I want them do have it, but they will not receive 100%. They had 6 weeks to read this book and do the report (6 pages, double-spaced, standard margins...oh, I did forget to say 12 point font...one student gave me his paper with a 21 point font...sheesh!). I even gave them multiple opportunities to read IN CLASS because we don't have enough books for all the students. They still didn't do the assignment. Well, 2 of them did. Well, 1 completed 5 of 6 pages and one gave me a 6 page paper with the 21 point font. I retyped it and it came out, at a 12 point font with standard margins, to be a 2 page paper. COME ON!

6/7) I had bad classroom management.

~ Yes, I do have bad classroom management...here. For some reason, I cannot make my kids mind. I have tried to be harsh, I have tried to be nice. I even tried bribing them with candy. NOTHING WORKS! I'm nearly bald from pulling my hair out over frustration. I spend most of my time within the classroom working on behavior modification/correction. This leads into another issue about administrative support. In my defense, the former teacher let me nearly nothing by way of instruction on what to do. So, I don't have a handbook. When I told the HR woman that, she (very snippy) said, "Well, could you have gotten one from another teacher?" When, I said yes, she said, "well, why didn't you?" I said, "Well, I asked [my department head] where I could get a handbook or if I could borrow hers. She took me to [the vice principal] who told me he'd have one for me by the end of that week." She cut me off and turned to the principal and said, "Did she ever ask you for one? Is it online?" I told her, "I didn't feel the need to ask him after I'd asked the VP for one. Then it slipped my mind and I supposed that it was up to me to make that decision on sending students to the administrators." She came across very huffy...not at all like she was trying to find out what happened at all. Fortunately, the principal said that some of the information is online, but he has a separate hard-copy handbook that is handed out to all teachers at the beginning of the year. Well, I wasn't there at the beginning of the year (DER!)

8) I show "R" rated movies without permission.

~ No, I showed 1 "R" rated movie that had already been approved (according to the curriculum of the previous teacher) and 1 move that was made-for-TV, so it didn't have a rating on the website I purchased it from. The sub this last week turned it on and discovered some suggestive language and nudity. The sub shut it off and didn't plug in the other movie (that I know was rated no more than PG-13). Instead, the sub told the principal about it. Which, I can understand. As a sub, if I was asked to do something questionable, I would probably talk to the principal, too. So, it was not the sub's fault.

So...those are pretty much the things they complained about...in addition to my extended illness. So, as of right now, I am on paid administrative leave (yay for the rest of the week off!) until they make a decision on what they're going to do. It's all in God's hands right now and I have faith that whatever happens is for a reason and I'll be OK. Moob is a little (ok, probably a lot) concerned about it financially. She won't be able to float me and the new roomie. And, that's totally understandable. It's not a complaint against Moob at all. In fact, it was she and mom-squared that convinced me to go in today. And, it was a good thing I did. The HR woman had emailed me (at my school address, to which I had no access since Thursday) saying that I had a meeting scheduled yesterday and if I didn't respond by noon on May 8th, I would be in breach of my contract and be fired on the spot. So, the prompting of the Holy Spirit was on Moob and mom-squared (my mom and Moob's mom). It was good I listened! At least now I have a chance.

I'll keep you posted.

Union Rep...

Just showed up...

Here goes nothing!

The Plan Is...

At 9:00 my union rep will come to the district office. She and I will talk. Then we will meet with "everyone else"...which probably means the Assistant Superintendent of HR, my Principal (cuz he was just here), my department head, my department supervisor, my union rep and me.

I honestly have no idea what's going to happen. I'm hoping for the best (seeing that there is only 6 weeks left of the school year) and preparing for the worst (since there is only 6 weeks left of school and they've had a sub for the last 3 weeks...)

Sigh...

I just want it to be over...

But, it doesn't lok like I'll be working today, so I can have my interview at 2:30 as originally scheduled.

Sigh...

More Waiting...

The Assistant Superintendent of HR has just informed me that they had a meeting scheduled for yesterday with my Union Rep and had done all of their communicating through the district email. I informed her I didn't have access to it as of last Thursday. So, I get to wait here to see if they can put together a meeting quickly for me. If not, we'll have to reschedule.

Sigh...

I don't think I have a job anymore...

Sigh...

On my way...

To the district office to meet with HR.

In the Office...

I'm sitting in the office at the high school...waiting to see what is going on with me and my job...

It's a nail-biter...

God has all things in control...

I may have shot myself in the foot...

I should stop being such a victim of circumstances and just deal with life no matter what happens...

Sigh...

Update...

After much deliberation and chatting with those about whose opinions I care, I am going in to work tomorrow...if for nothing else than to show up. As Moob and Mom-squared have pointed out, if they've already made up their mind, it's better to go and get it over with than to prolong the inevitable.

And, Moob, I wasn't angry at you tonight. I just have a hard time with that cond of confrontation. I shut down because I don't know what to say to you. It's like accusing someone of being in denial: no matter how hard I tell you I'm not in denial, you think it's because I'm denying the fact that I'm in denail. A vicious cycle with no way out...

And, it's hard hearing you talk about what I'm doing as a bad thing when you've been doing the same thing. I know you care about me and are concerned. I appreciate that. Thank you. Just have a little more faith in me and my abilities to get through and come out the other side much better than when I went in.

(^_^)

Thanks...

Day Eighty-Seven...Getting Nervous

Ok, so, I went online and found that my district now has a substitute arranged for me for the remainder of the week. I was told by the Principal Monday morning that he already had the sub for Monday and Tuesday and I would come in on Wednesday. Also, Wednesday, we'd have a meeting with the union rep. Now, I was totally prepared to be fired on Wednesday. I'm NOT prepared to have a sub in my class when I'm going in. Finally, I emailed my principal, the vice principal and my director asking what's going on. I told them that I would wait to do to hear from them before I do anything...

But, now I'm getting advice to go in. Well, I'm not sure I'm going to do that. I'll see in the morning...

I'll keep you posted.

On a better note, I have 2 interviews this week and next. One is for a teaching job in Shoreline and one is for a job in the summer at WSD. I should be fine...I just wish others could see it.

Day Eighty-Six...False Alarm

So, I was intending on returning to work today. After all, I haven't seen my kids in a month! I've been off for Spring Break, then sick for 3 weeks. Mt doctor gave me the Ok to head back to work today. Gosh...5:15 comes SO early, but at least it's light out. I seem to be solar-powered. If I have to get up early, I do better if it's light out.

Anyway...

So, I'm getting up, getting ready to shower when I get a call from my principal. He tells me he's glad I've been OK'd to return to work and that I'm feeling better. However, since I took such an extended absence, he authorized a substitute through Tuesday and that I would be able to return on Wednesday. Ok...I can do that.

The part that made me a little nervous (ok, a LOT nervous) was the fact that he said we would have a meeting on Wednesday with my union rep present. That's like going in to the principal's office and finding your parents have already been told everything that's going on and you're gonna be in BIG trouble when you get home. Ya, that's what my stomach feels like right now. No fun...

But they just CAN'T fire me...first, I'm in a contract. Second, I've been out because of a medical illness.

Sigh...

So, I've been looking for jobs elsewhere. Offices, other schools. I'll have to wait until Wednesday to see if I still have a job or I need to schedule any interviews.

Sigh...

I really wanted this job. Makes me sad I'm not going back in the fall. I DO know God has everything in control and everything happens for a reason and nothing happens without His knowledge and approval. Of THAT I am certain. The only drawback to being fired (ok, besides not having any money) is that I'll have to work this summer. I was SO looking forward to doing anything I wanted...or nothing at all! If I lose this job, I'll have to work this summer...not a BIG deal, but I was very much looking forward to having the time off and working if I WANTED to. I even applied for a short gig down at Washington School for the Deaf in Vancouver, WA for 2 weeks in the Total Immersion Sign Language Program. People come for a 6-day workshop where everything is conducted in ASL. EVERYTHING! No voices for 6 days! It's going to be GREAT! I can't get my students to turn their voices off for 6 minutes, let alone an entire period, an entire day! And there is 2 workshops. So it's a total of 12 days, working with people who WANT to be there, who have paid MONEY to be there, and are SERIOUS about improving their skills. I submitted my application a few days ago...we'll see what happens!

Sigh...

Nudge

http://nudgearts.blogspot.com/

Aw Hell Yeah

http://awhellyeahpoetry.blogspot.com/

Day Eighty-Five...Back to Work.

So, I'm heading back to work tomorrow after 3 weeks of sickness and 1 week of vacation (Spring Break). I'm feeling so much better (from the sickness) and not so good at the same time. I haven't been able to access my work email for 2 days. I get an error stating that Internet Explorer could not display the page. Technically, that tells me that their server is down because if they had denied me access, it would have said Access Denied, or something. But, it doesn't, so...

I also checked the online sub finder and the administration has scheduled a sub for tomorrow and Tuesday. I was told that, because I had an extended illness, I couldn't come back until I had official release from my doctor. Well, I went to the doctor on Friday and she gave me the return to work authorization. She faxed it to them that afternoon. So, they probably got the sub before the close of business on Friday.

I'm in a contract through the end of the year. They shouldn't be able to fire me...I AM in a contract. However, if you've read about my luck with this job, you'll know they've NEVER been on my side.

So, I'm a little nervous about tomorrow. I'm going to work, but there will be a sub in my classroom for 2 days. I have no idea what to expect.

I'll keep you posted...

Day Eighty-Four...Another Trip to the Doctor

A few months ago, I went to the Walk-in Clinic by my house because I had some pain in my left foot...moreso than normal for being this large. They took x-rays and told me I either had a stress fracture or a chip in my ankle...it was so small, he couldn't quite tell without an MRI. So, he put me in a walking cast and sent me on my merry way, telling me that it should be better in 4 - 6 weeks. Well, I went about 3 weeks and, in an unrelated appointment, was advised by my chiropractor to see a podiatrist because that area of the foot is not one that should be left to heal on it's own. So, I made an appointment with the podiatrist to whom my chiropractor referred me.

And today was that appointment...about 4 weeks after I made the appointment!

This doctor, Dr. Nishimoto of the Northwest Foot and Ankle Clinic in Everett (plug) was a great doctor. He's a Christian, which is always nice. But, moreso, he was very kind, had a great bed-side manner, and was straightforward with me, letting me know the possibilities for treatment of my condition...which, by the way, I've had since I was a young...not since I got fat. It's congenital...meaning I was born with it and it has progressively gotten worse over time. I have fallen arches and tendonitis in both feet...but more severe in the left foot.

So, for right now, I'm in a air-cast on my left foot because of the pain, while my doctor works with my insurance company to get some orthotics for my shoes to, hopefully, push my arches back up where they belong...thereby avoiding surgery to repair the one pinky-sized tendon holding my arch up. He said, right now, it's a little over stretched which is what is causing the pain. If we can get my arches back up where they belong, the tendon doesn't have to work quite as hard holding it up and it won't get torn or stretched out beyond repair.

I also have to get new shoes...running shoes...that have more support. New Balance with an 800 or higher number...the higher the number, the better. Yay, shopping!

And, I have a note from my doctor that restricts my standing to 1 hour in an 8 hour period! They're gonna LOVE me at work for that. Fortunately, I have desks I can move around so my students can see me and a higher chair, like a drafting chair, I can sit on for most of the day. So, that'll be cool...

And, I'm feeling better from my URI. The doctor at the Walk-in Clinig gave me 1 more round of prednizone, stronger and longer, to knock the holy heck out of this infection so I can go back to work on Monday. It seems to be working a bit better this time. I should be good to go. I'm still going to my regular doctor for a check-up on Friday to make sure there's nothing else hiding, causing these severe symptoms. The doc at the Walk-in Clinic said I should have been feeling MUCH better by now. Anyway, my regular doctor will do the follow-up and she'll give me a release back to work. I tell you, even though I've been sick, it's been nice sleeping in, staying up late, living in my PJs! I've even almost read an entire pleasure book from cover-to-cover! Now, the cough? That's another story. That's been a pain in my backside...literally. I lost 9 pounds in a little over a week because all I could do was eat chicken soup or cream of wheat and cough all day and night. I have GREAT abs, now! Well...not really! Anyway, on Saturday, I went grocery shopping and could barely make it to 2 stores without feeling like I was going to pass out. Today, not the case. Still coughing quite a bit, especially going from a warm store to a cold out doors, but my energy is coming back. I definitely welcome that!

And, speaking of energy, (Sarah, you'll appreciate this!) I should have a lot more of that after this weekend, too. Last week I was officially diagnosed with Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea. It runs in my family. My parents have it, my paternal grandfather had it, his brothers had it...we figure my paternal great-grandfather had it, too. He snored like a freight train, as did my grandfather and father! Now, like my mom, I don't snore, but I stop breathing when I sleep, first because I have such a small airway to begin with. My tonsils are huge and my throat is small (thanks, mom!). And second, because the muscles in my airway relax so much when I sleep that it cuts off my air supply. My brain starts registering that no air is coming (no oxygen...which feeds the brain and keeps me, you know, alive!), so my brain wakes up my body enough to put those muscles into motion to allow the airway constrictions to decrease, thus allowing oxygen into my bloodstream and brain. I've been depriving my brain of the oxygen it needs to thrive and my body the sleep it needs to rest and rejuvinate itself, repair itself and gear up for the next days activites. Hmmm..mo wonder I'm tired all the time! And, not it's not just because I'm fat and lazy!

But, that should all change after this weekend. I'm heading back to the sleep clinic on Saturday evening to be tested again and calinrated on a C-PAP machine. C-PAP stands for constant positive air pressure. Basically, it's a maching with a mask I wear when I sleep that is designed to force air into my lungs to keep me constantly breathing so my brain can relax and not have to wake me up to breathe, and my body can rest throughout the night and recuperate from the day. If it works for me like it worked for my mom, I should see an almost instant change in my energy level...which will GREAT because then I can do the things I want to do...like have the energy and stamina to work out...or walk my dog now that the weather is nicer...or just get up and clean the house without feeling absolutely drained after cleaning one room. That'll be a nice change...

Day Eighty-Three...Still Sick

So, I've been off work a total of 13 days...13 working days...and I'm still not feeling how I should be feeling after a round of steriods, a nebulizer treatment, antibiotics, 2 inhalers and a cough syrup with codeine. So, I went back to the walk-in clinic and saw Dr. McDreamy...uhhh...Dr. Todd. He was distressed that I wasn't feeling 100%. I told him I wasn't feeling even 50%. He decided to give me another nebulizer treatment...one that was more powerful and a little longer (more meds)...and another rounds of prednizone...also stronger and longer...in hopes that will knock it out.

He also gave me the rest of the week off and stern instructions to see my regular doctor on Friday. So, I have an appointment on Friday morning to see what's going on. If I'm not better, she will investigate further to see what is really going on.

Sigh...

Until then, I'm staying as low-profile as I can. Resting, watching stupid, mind-numbing movies on TV, probably finishing my book, researching more school (I'm thinking about another endorsement in either English/Language Arts or Social Studies...probably English...I'm good at that!).

And, I've found out that my job has been offered to someone else for next year.

Sigh...

So, if you want to chat, I'm prolly online all day!

Day Eighty-Three...Still Sick

So, I've been off work a total of 12 days...12 working days...and I'm
still not feeling how I should be feeling after a round of steriods, a
nebulizer treatment, antibiotics, 2 inhalers and a cough syrup with
codeine. So, I went back to the walk-in clinic and saw Dr.
McDreamy...uhhh...Dr. Todd. He was distressed that I wasn't feeling
100%. I told him I wasn't feeling even 50%. He decided to give me
another nebulizer treatment...one that was more powerful and a little
longer (more meds)...and another rounds of prednizone...also stronger
and longer...in hopes that will knock it out.

He also gave me the rest of the week off and stern instructions to see
my regular doctor on Friday. So, I have an appointment on Friday
morning to see what's going on. If I'm not better, she will investigate
further to see what is really going on.

Sigh...

Until then, I'm staying as low-profile as I can. Resting, watching
stupid, mind-numbing movies on TV, probably finishing my book,
researching more school (I'm thinking about another endorsement in
either English/Language Arts or Social Studies...probably English...I'm
good at that!)

So, if anyone wants to chat...I'm online pretty much all day.

Day Eighty-Two...Vewy, Vewy Sick

So, here it is, nearly 2 am and I'm laying in bed hacking up both my lungs. I've been sick for 5 days. Last Tuesday, I went to the doctor at the walk-in clinic by my house. Can I just say how much I like Dr. Todd? He is such a nice man. If he weren't married...

I digress...

Anyway, I have an upper respiratory infection that has hit me like a ton of bricks. Like I said before, I started out on prednizone, which worked GREAT before. My doc said if I didn't feel better by Friday, I could call for antibiotics...which I did. I stopped taking the prednizone after assuming that's what I was supposed to do. Well, you know what happens when I assume? I make an a$$ out of myself! Heh! So, although my runny nose and fever and body aches went away when I started the antibiotics, my cough, runny nose and headache got worse. So, I called the clinic today and the nurse said I was supposed to be taking both meds. Silly me...

So, I took my next dose of the prednizone AND the antibiotic today. I was hoping to be better by Monday (today) to go to work and back on schedule with the Y, but that's not going to happen. I can't walk from the kitchen table to the bathroom or my chair without getting winded and coughing so hard I pee and nearly pass out from the pressure in my head. I'm going back to the clinic when I wake up so I can get some different cough syrup (the one Dr. Todd gave me isn't really working much) and a note for work.

One funny thing about this is that when I cough, I inhale more than I exhale, so I have the burps all the time :-D

I hope I feel better soon.

Day Eighty-Two...Feeling a Little Better

Yesterday, i called the doctor. He put me on some antibiotics and I think they're doing the trick. Last time I had this same illness, he put me on prednizone, which worked VERY well. I was feeling better within 24 hours. This time, however, not so much. In fact, I felt worse. So, like I said before, I didn't go in to work at all this week (from Tuesday on) because I would get winded just walking from the couch to the bathroom. It was awful! Anyway, I've only taken 2 doses of the antibiotics my doctor gave me and I feel better. Still not up to running a marathon, but better. I coughed and coughed a LOT last night which is making me tired today, but overall, I do feel better. I hope I'm better to go back to work on Monday. I'm sure I will be!

And, I want to get back to the Y. I've set a new goal for myself. I want to be under 400 pounds by June 20th...that's the last day of school. I can do it if I lose 2.6 pounds a week. That shouldn't be a problem...especially since Moob and I are committed to going to the Y daily Monday through Friday. They have some very cool classes...one of which we missed last night because I was so sick. It was a hula dance class. Maybe we'll catch it the next time around. Or something just as fun. The cool thing about the Y is their FitLinxx system. You're assigned an ID number that is used with all the machines. It will automatically adjust the weights for you when you enter your ID. No thinking about how much weight should be added...no over-doing things. It's awesome!

So, to achieve my goal, I have to lose an average of 2.6 pounds a week between now and June 20. Moob and I are also going to take pictures of ourselves to help motivate us and spur us on to going to the gym every day. No, those pictures won't be published!

Day Eighty-One...Back to the Bottom

So, I've been sick all this week. I had my interview scheduled for today at 3:15. I was bound and determined to go to work today, but all I did last night was toss and turn and cough and pee and whine 'cuz my voice hurts. So, at 5:15 this morning, I emailed the woman at the district office who set up the interview. I asked her if I could reschedule. I heard nothing back so I called at around noon. She was out to lunch. I left very specific instructions for her secretary to have the woman call me back at my home number or email me at my phone email so I would be SURE I wouldn't miss this opportunity. Well, I finally got a message back, after it was too late, saying that "Our process for hiring in this type of situation is that if a candidate has to cancel an interview for whatever reason, we move forward with the remaining scheduled interviews. If we do not make a selection, then we can consider the candidate who cancelled and any others who may have applied in the meantime. So, we won't be able to reschedule your interview at this time. Feel free to check back with [the program specialist] in a few days to see if the position is being filled. Thanks."

Translation...because the program specialist didn't call me back in time, I have been pushed to the bottom of the barrel as far as interviews go. They'll proceed with the interviews, try to make a selection and then...and only if they can't find someone else...will they go back and try to reschedule my interview. I'm pretty much screwed because someone couldn't follow directions.

I emailed back explaining the situation and the only response I got back was that it has been forwarded to the Assistant Superintendent of Human Resources for consideration.

So, we'll see what happens. God will have me where he wants me.

Day...whatever it is today

I can't sleep. I've been out sick the last few days and my sleep schedule is all out of whack. In fact, I've been in my bed trying to sleep for 2 hours to no avail. Sigh. I'm tired enough. I keep yawning and my eyes keep closing, but once my eyes close, I start thinking of all kinds of weird things and in inner voice suddenly develops a British accent. And, once that happens, I can't turn it off (my mind, that is...as well as the accent!) and, thus, I can't sleep. Am I stressed out? A little. My job was is not a continuing contract, so I had to reapply and re-interview. I have my interview tomorrow after school. I'm sure I'll do fine. I'm just a little worried that come September, I'll have to start over again. Fortunately, I'll get paid through August, so that's good. And I got a bit of a raise, so that'll help, too. I'm nervous about the questions they'll as me. I've struggled so much this year...I don't want them to think I can't do the job. I don't want to bad-mouth the previous teacher, but she left me with squat. There's no formal curriculum, no supplies, no support materials. If you read my previous post, you'll learn that she lied to me about what she had and hadn't taught the kids...like she was trying to set me up for failure. I guess I just have to go in there with the confidence that God will have me where he wants me. I LOVE my job. I LOVE the school. I LOVE the kids...well, most of 'em! Nah, each one is special to me and I've really had a hard time with some, but if anything were to happen to any of them, I'd be devastated.

So, going in tomorrow, I have my 1st period class and my 5th period class. We're going to learn about lexicalized signs (words that were originally fingerspelled, but the fingerspelling morphed into the sign...like #BACK or #ALL...forming each of the letters quickly has become the sign for that word). I may, depending on time, she the beginning of a video Sound and Fury about Cochlear Implants. We'll see.

For the interview, though, if you think of it, please pray for me at 3:15. That's when my interview is scheduled. I just need to remember to have faith and the confidence that I AM the right person for those kids and that job. I need to project that confidence and determination at the interview. I need to speak with a tone of "You've already got the right teacher", without sounding cocky. I need to remember to remind them that they've already got a vested interest in me with all the training I've gone to and will go to in the summer. I have to act with humility, but confidence in who I am as a teacher. I'm a good teacher and they need to see that. It'll be interesting though...my voice comes and goes when I'm sick, so... I'll update you tomorrow. Right now, it's off to less-than-seven-hours-of-sleep-when-I-should-have-gotten-nine-hours land.

Day Seventy-Nine...Chili

So, today I tried a new recipe: Cincinatti-Style Turkey Chili. It was pretty darn good, if I do say so myself. It had sauted onion, garlic powder, ground turkey, chili powder, corriander, cumin, cinnamon (yes, you read that correctly, I DID say cinnamon!), tomato paste, chicken broth, red kidney beans and pasta. The recipe called for spaghetti noodles broken down into 2 inch pieces, but I found these cute little wagon-wheel shaped noodles at WinCo (which, by the way, has become my favorite store. I shopped there while living in Idaho and didn't like the atmosphere much...too many crazies! But here...well, Marysville...isn't too bad. Still a lot of people, but it's a bigger store so less crazies per square foot! Lol!), so I decided to get those instead. I made it with corn bread muffins and it was very tasty! And filling! I usually have 2 bowls of regar chili, but I only ate one of this.

And the family (except Milyra) really liked it. At least she tried it!

Then we had ice cream and peanut butter cookies for dessert. The perfect end to the perfect day!

I'm supposed to be sleeping right now, but I'm waiting for some of my food to digest. I'm laying down and feeling like I'm floating! I drank too much water right after dinner! Heh!

Day Seventy-Eight...The End!

Ok, it's just the end of Spring Break, but it DEFINITELY wasn't long enough! LOL! I'm heading back to school tomorrow for a week of WASL testing. Fortunately, that means I'll have shorter classes, except tomorrow. Tomorrow is a regular day, so 50 minute classes. It's not too bad...

So, that means that I have 49 school days left until the end of the year. That means I have 49 days to plan for my students. That means I have 49 days I have to deal with my students really not wanting to be there. I have 49 days to make my bosses happy with me so they don't hire someone else in my place.

Oh, also, it was a sad day on Saturday. My mom's dog, Claire, lived to be 18 years old. She passed away on Saturday morning. Actually, because she was so sick and old, mom and dad decided to put her to sleep. She had such bad arthritis, she was having accidents in the house because she couldn't get up and get to the door fast enough, she was blind and deaf, had no teeth, wasn't eating much. It was just time. My mom held her as she went down. It was bittersweet for her.

So...that's pretty much where I am right now. Not in a BAD place, not in an AMAZINGLY HAPPY place, but I'm a'ight!

Day Seventy-Seven...Diagnosis, Almost

So, at 32, I would expect that I could get 8 hours of sleep every night and wake up mostly refreshed and ready to face the following day. I would expect that I could come home from work and not feel like taking a nap. I would expect that I would be able to sleep through the night. I would expect that I would be able to fall asleep within a few minutes of hitting the pillow at night. I would also expect that doing the littlest things wouldn't make me exhausted. Well...my expectations are incorrect. I DON'T get 8 hours of sleep every night, even though I go to bed between 7 and 8 pm (I have to get up by 5 or so to get to Renton by 7). I DON'T wake up mostly refreshed and ready to face the day because I'm so exhausted. I DON'T come home from work and feel like not taking a nap. I DON'T sleep through the night. I DON'T fall asleep within a few minutes of going to bed. It takes be anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes to fall asleep, and even at that, I don't STAY asleep. It's been that way for several years, but I've really noticed it since I started working. It's starting to affect my abilities at my job.

So, I took charge of the situation. I went to the doctor today. My parents and my brother all have sleep apnea and my mother and brother have Restless Leg Syndrome (the creepy-crawlies, crabby-legs syndrome at night). My mom says I breathe just like she does at night (she's come into my room when I lived at home and purposefully listened to me sleeping to check) and my covers are almost always off my bed when I wake up. So, I probably have both. Both of those things have, most likely, been disturbing my sleep, probably for years. The doctor wants to do a sleep study on me. I'll go back to the clinic on Thursday night at about 7:30, they'll hook me up to machines to monitor how I sleep, and I'll spend the night there. Then in about 7 days, I'll get the results. If I have it (and there's little doubt in my mind), I'll most likely get a machine to wear when I sleep that will help push air into my lungs and keep me breathing. If this works, I should sleep better than I have in years and I should have the energy I need to do the normal, everyday things I want to do.

Also, the doctor gave me a sample of some medicine for RLS (the creepy-crawly, crabby-leg syndrome). He told me to try it and see if it works. If not, we can try something else.

I really hope that this does the trick. It will be nice to sleep again. It would also be nice (and, I'm just kinda thinking out loud right now), but it would be nice if I could some how have this doctor deem it a medical necessity for me to lose weight through the Lap Band surgery and have my insurance pay for it. I have been doing some research and it seems like the Lap Band is the way I would like to go. It's MUCH less invasive, it's adjustable, and there is FAR LESS complications and dangers associated with it (when compared to Gastric Bypass). Granted, every surgical procedure carries a certain amount of dangers and risks. But the Lap Band procedure does not involve cutting or removing any of the stomach muscle at all. It's a sleeve that is put at the top of your stomach. The sleeve can be inflated or deflated in an out-patient office visit. It can also be reversed/removed if complications arise.

But, right now, I think I'll concentrate on the sleeping issues I have, get those taken care of, then deal with fixing the underlying weight problem. Who knows, maybe taking care of the sleep apnea will give me the energy I need to work out every day like I'm supposed to. If so, I'll be able to lose my weight on my own. If not, then I can talk to my doctor about the other things.

Day Seventy-Six...Oh...My...Goodness!

AHHHHH! So, I've found 34 new blogs on stamping and card making! {screeching like a little girl} I've included them for your viewing pleasure!

So, I'm so excited about it because it has pictures, designs and instructions I *may* begin posting some of the cards I make, again, for your viewing pleasure!

EEK! Fun! Grin!

Day Seventy-Five...Spring Break

Ok, so it's Spring Break and I couldn't be happier. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job! But, I definitely need some time off...and some time to regroup. I need to gather my things, gather my thoughts and (re) plan the rest of the year. The former teacher, I think, had it in for me. I'm not sure why, but...whatever.

So, with that, I've got to redo all my plans for the rest of the year based on what my students have done thus far. I borrowed 2 students' notebooks with everything they've learned/done this last semester. That way, I know what they've done and I can plan accordingly.

I'm also going to SCCC to get the videos that the former teacher was supposed to leave for me, but (dun-dun-duuuuuuun) didn't.

But, for now, I'm just going to bed.

Day Seventy-Four...Things are Balancing Out

So, I've been tweaking my teaching style a bit. I've decided to be a little more prepared and consistent with my students. I figured if I can't change them, I'll change me.

So, I've decided that Mondays will be new vocabulary day. Tuesdays will be vocab review, and grammar days. Wednesdays and Thursdays will be Receptive Translations, Expressive Translations and Copy Stories, and Friday will be exam day. I think that'll be the plan from now on.

Again, I think that'll be good. I'll let you know how it works out.

Day Seventy-Three...A Better Day

So, today, I decided to play 2 games with my students. Both games were focused on an aspect of ASL: fingerspelling and signer's perspective (my left, your right...kind of thing). 1st period was OK with the games. But, 5th period...OMG! They LOVED them! They loved them SO much that they took the last game and modified it to include the whole class rather than teams of 3. It was SO much fun! I felt a whole lot better today than I did yesterday.

And, I emailed my principal and informed him of the situation with the other teacher. He's going to email me tomorrow with a time we can meet. I felt VERY good about that!

So, I'm not going to spend too much time on the computer because I'm going to bed on time tonight. G'nite!

Day Seventy-Two...A Bad Day

Have you ever had the feeling that you really sucked at something, but just found out that you do? Ok, so that's the day I'm having today. I made the mistake of asking my students for some feedback on how they felt the class was going. So far, I've had 2 classes basically tell me that I suck and that we shouldn't be reading in an ASL class. We shouldn't have manual communication outside of the classroom. We shouldn't have so much to do in this class. Well, what the hell are we supposed to do, then? If I don't assign homework, they complain. If I assign homework, they complain. They complain because they don't have enough practice time. So, I give them ManCom (community contact) and they complain because "it's way too much". Fifteen minutes a day is NOT way too much! Technically, they should have more homework, but because the former teacher told me they won't do it, I don't overload them with it.

Oh, and don't get me started on the former teacher. Ok, so I knew this woman. My cousin actually had her as an ASL teacher. And, the signs she taught my cousin...some of them were wrong signs...more English than ASL. Anyway, whatever. So, I do a few days of "transition". It wasn't actually transition...I came and sat on my butt all day while the students worked on her final project. I did nothing as far as transition. No teaming, no introductions, NOTHING. So, the day comes when I'm to take over the class...half of the students didn't realize I was going to be their new teacher. Can you believe that? ARGH!

Here are some of their comments:

~ no ManCom (this was said by most of my students)
~ less hard curriculum
~ no essays
~ no book work (meaning, no reading)
~ less Deaf Culture
~ be more in control
~ give reasons for learning what we're learning
~ I really want (the former teacher) back
~ more vocabulary
~ more quizzes on vocabulary
~ less vocabulary at once
~ reading a book is fine, but don't make us do an essay on it
~ less projects
~ more projects
~ more conversation activities
~ less conversation activities
~ more interactive
~ I feel like I've learned nothing new (this, coming from someone who sleeps in my class!)
~ this class is boring (this, coming from someone who doesn't put the effort into practicing...she can't communicate with me at all!)

And, this is just from my 1st 2 classes. I still have 4 more to go!

And, also, the former teacher told me she'd leave me the curriculum for the classes...she didn't. She took it all with her and left me some mis-matched papers. So, now it's my job to figure out what she did last semester, how she did it, and move on from there. That's what I've been doing the last 2 months. The students are so bored...but, I can't move forward until I fill in the gaps the former teacher left.

AND...I found out today that some of the students are in contact with the former teacher, telling her how horrible my class is...how horrible a teacher I am. I also found out that she's telling them, and I quote, "Yeah, I heard it was pretty bad. Just stick it out so you can get the credit for graduation." The cojones on that woman...bad mouthing another teacher to her former, MY CURRENT, students! ¡Oh mi calidad... las bolas en esa mujer! ¡Ella apenas hace que desea gritar! ¿Qué clase de un profesor es usted? ¿Qué clase de una PERSONA es usted? ¿Qué el infierno usted le piensa está haciendo? ¡Usted no puede apenas ir detrás alguien parte posteriora y hablar malo sobre ellos... especialmente con sus propios estudiantes! (it sounds better when you're angry in Spanish!)

And, I started my period today, so I'm EXTRA grouchy!

Circumcised

(This is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

(wah, wah, waaaaaaaah!)

Day Seventy-One...The Third Day of Swimming

So, this week Moob and I decided we were going to get back into swimming...even with my bum foot! The Dr said it was ok to swim because it is high resistance, low impact. So, today was day three. I started out not wanting to go on Monday. Then, I didn't go on Tuesday. Then, I (reluctantly) went yesterday. I actually felt better yesterday for going. Today, it wasn't as much of a battle to go. I just met Moob at the Y and we just did it. I hope it gets easier as the days go on. I'm sure it will...as it becomes a habit, it'll be easier to 'just go' every day. And, really, that's what I need. I need it to be an every day thing. It's too easy for me to put it off a day, then another day, then another...pretty soon, I'm derailed. I really don't want to get derailed again. I'm tired of falling off the tracks and having to pick myself back up, dust myself back on and get on the train again. It sucks! So, I think I'm just going to 'do it' this time. I've already lost 4 pounds since I went to the doctor on the 23rd of February. I attribute MOST of that to having to haul around this big, dumb boot all day long!

So, I'm not going to make any 'resolutions' or 'promises' or 'grand plans'...I'm just gonna do it. I really do feel better when I take care of myself. When I do, it makes it much easier to take care of others :-D