Day One-Hundred-Twenty-Seven...An Apostrophy

So, when I was younger, in my early teens, I met a boy who turned my world upside down. I was a freshman in high school...he was a senior. He was tall, dark, and handsome. I was never one of the popular kids in school, so naturally, when a senior paid attention to me it made me feel ever-so-special! Well, we started going out.

And things slowly changed.

And, I mean slowly.

After a few months, I started dressing to please him. I started doing my hair to please him. Wearing the kind of make-up he liked to please him. Wearing the right clothes, saying the right words. In essence, I was becoming the person he wanted me to be instead of who I was. Well, at 14, I had no idea who I was anyway, so I didn't see anything wrong with that.

Then, he started pulling me away from my friends. I had to let him know who I was going to be with. I had to make sure he was OK with that before I made plans. That started out as a cute thing. I thought, "Oh, he cares so much about me! He is lonely without me!" And, again, I didn't know what was right or wrong in his behavior. I was 14.

Then, he started pulling me away from my family. I kinda had an idea that something was going wrong, but I was caught up in being in love. The more time I spent with him, the less time I was spending with my family. And, the less time I was spending with my family, the more caught up in him and being in love I was becoming.

The he raped me.

I'll let you all digest that one for a minute.

Yes, he raped me. I was so wrapped up in pleasing him that I forgot how to tell him "no". I wanted to. I tried. I just didn't want him not to love me anymore.

Well, about 9 months into the relationship, God finally got a hold of me and my heart...and my brain! I was at camp and He told me I had to break it off with him. That I was in an unsafe, unhealthy relationship with a man who would not let go of me if I didn't leave. So, in an act of pure faith ('cuz I really didn't want to go...no one wants to be alone!), I left him. I told him that I couldn't live that way anymore and that I was taking my life back. I haven't seen him since. And that's been 18 years.

But, I didn't really take control of my life. I decided (subconsciously) to put on a fat suit so no one would ever want to get that close to me again. I thought if I were ugly enough, men would leave me alone and I wouldn't be taken advantage of that way again. And it worked. I haven't had a date since then...18 years. That's a LONG time. And, it's not for lack of trying. I've had subscriptions to nearly EVERY singles website out there!

After a year of counseling, and some long, hard nights of crying, I've been able to pull myself together and move on. I've "dealt with it" and am a whole person. No, really! I've put it all behind me. I don't hold any animosity toward him. I feel bad that he thought he had to control me and do those things to me, but I'm not angry with him. But if that was truly the case, why do I need the fat suit?

I've tried to lose weight. I've been on Weight Watchers, Weigh Down, Slim Fast, just watching my calorie intake, working out! I've done GREAT on them, too! I've lost anywhere between 20-50 pounds at a time! And, I feet AMAZING when I'm doing it. But, I hit a brick wall and for some stupid reason I stop. I go right...up...to...the...horizon...and turn away. I didn't understand it until last night. I heard a song and it all made sense.

You see, I'm a pretty smart woman. And, I've always been smart. In elementary school, I was reading and comprehending at a high school level. By the time I reached 8th grade, my reading scores were off the charts (read that: college level...in the 8th grade). My IQ is 145. I've always been a very analytical, reasonable, thoughtful (full of thought about my actions) person. But, for some reason I wasn't smart enough to see that situation coming. Everyone else could...I couldn't. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have NOT known that was going to happen.

For years...and I mean Y-E-A-R-S...I have felt ashamed that I made such a stupid mistake. I have beaten myself up for it for the last 18 years. I even went so far as to avoid calling it "rape" and tell people I was "taken advantage of" or playing it off as though we had planned to have sex just to avoid looking stupid. And, I thought the fat suit was to avoid another situation like that altogether. But, in reality, the fat suit was to avoid feeling stupid again.

So, back to the song I heard. It was about a young woman who had gotten caught up in being in love. They say the first time won't ever last. But, that didn't stop me the first time he laughed. All my friends tried to warn me the day that we met, girl, don't you lose your heart yet. His dark eyes dared me with danger. Sparks flied like flames to paper. And the fire of his touch was burning me up...but I still held on.

I stopped dead in my tracks (in the Starbucks drive thru). Sometimes, we are not able to make choices because we are in love. I was so in love with him that I wanted nothing more than to stay that way. I wanted to get married. I wanted to make babies. I wanted to be a family...because I loved him so much. My choices were influenced by my love for him. And, you know what? That's OK. It's normal. People do strange things when they're in love ALL THE TIME! I'm not an idiot. I never was. I never will be. His raping me was not the consequence for me being stupid. I didn't earn that one. And the shame I have carried with me for the last 18 years is unnecessary. It's unfounded. It's time I can give it up. I don't have to carry it, or the fat suit, around with me anymore. I have permission to let it go. Now that I know the REAL cause, I can deal with that and let it go. I don't have to be this way anymore. And, I'm not going to be this way anymore.