Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

Doubting Thomas got a bad rap. I started writing a song a few months
ago. It's still incomplete, but it talks about my unbelief. I've been
through the peaks and valleys where I've experienced God's provision.
Living situations...college...graduate school...Idaho (*shiver*)...and
even more recently with the situation in my last house
(**double-shiver**). But, there have always been times where I've
questioned God. I've never had that child-like faith where, in the
midst of life's chaos, I can SEE my Father's hand. Afterward I can see
it. Scripture says "Blessed are they that do not see yet still
believe." But you know what? Those people are in the minority. I want
to be one of those, but I don't know how. I need to see the nails. I
need to put my hand in His side.

Sigh...

So, I had to ask for help. I asked Tamuríl, my friend and Pastor's
Wife, for some wise counsel. Let me take a moment to tell you about
Tamuríl. Tamuríl and Elrohir are the Pastors of my church. I've been
going there for about a month. I started out going pretty regularly in
October of 07 for Bible study with my friend Nienna. I fell in love
with these women and they have been my friends since. Unfortunately, I
had to stop going in January of 08 because Bible study went until 9:00,
I didn't get home until 9:30, in bed by 10:00, asleep by 11:00 and I had
to be up by 5:00 to commute to Renton every day. This was before my
sleep apnoea diagnosis and treatment, so 6 hours of sleep a night wasn't
NEARLY enough. But, I started going again about a month ago. I came to
Sunday service and surprised everyone. And have gone since (except once
when I was sick). So, Tamuríl has become my friend and confidante. I
love her. I trust her. I know she has my best interest at heart.

Anyway, last Friday after Bible study, I asked her advice on a serious
situation. I laid everything out: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I
told her what I wanted to do and why. And I told her why I shouldn't do
that. Then, I asked for her counsel. She didn't tell me what to do.
She told me she would fast and pray for me. I was kinda disappointed
because I wanted her to jump behind me and support what I wanted to do.
But...in the long run, it was a good thing she didn't. I've been able
to pray, listen, pray some more, ask God for certain things to happen if
He wants me to do one thing and other things to happen if He wants me to
do another. It's been very enlightening into God's character and how He
uses people to show that to you. Throughout the day, Tamuríl sent me
scriptures. All these scriptures told me to "rest in Him" and "cast
your cares" and "don't worry". Well, I'm not a worrier. Ask anyone!
It's one of my faults! But I was worried about this situation. I
wanted to jump, but was worried about making the wrong
decision...disappointing my family...hurting us financially. But God
used Tamuríl to communicate His care for me and my worry because I
wasn't in a place to see it. He was able to give me a glimpse of His
character as my Abba. He calmed me down enough to think. He held me
tight enough to feel secure and comforted. He quieted me down enough so
I could begin to hear His voice through the calamity.

So, did I get my answer? Yes and no. No, I didn't get the answer I was
looking for. But, yes, I got the answer to a question I didn't know I
needed to ask.

God is THAT faithful.

And, let me clarify. I was asking God for a Yes or No answer. What he
gave me was the calmness and peace I needed to avoid a rash decision.

God is THAT in tune to what I need.

I'm just waiting for one last bit of confirmation before I make my
move. But I have such peace and serenity about it that I'm
just...speechless.

God is THAT good.

Life...Sucks...Ducks

So, since my last post, I've discovered that I am just not quite cut out for this life. I am very overwhelmed. I just don't quite know what to do. Here's a few things that have been going on.

1) I fell at work. I work graveyard shifts. That means, I work by myself. About a month ago, the toilet at my client's apartment was overflowing. The maintenance man came by, removed the toilet, figured out what was wrong, and repositioned the toilet. Well...he didn't put it back on correctly. Naturally. How does this connect with me falling at work? Wait for it...ok, so the night after the toilet was fixed, I went in to use the bathroom and fell in a puddle of water. I fell on my butt, hit my head on the open door, and my right arm on the vanity. I had no idea where the water came from. So, even after falling and being in pain from the fall, I cleaned up the water. I had to. I don't work with anyone else. It's just me. I'm all by myself...get the picture? Well, after I was finished, I still had to go to the bathroom. I did, flushed, and water came spurting out of the base of the toilet. Nice. Again, I had to clean it up, on my hands and knees...all the while, I was in pain, fighting a headache, backache and sore arm. Called my boss, told her what happened. Called the doctor, he told me I couldn't go back to work the following night. So, I've been off work since February 21.

2) Last Sunday, I was coming home from running errands and I caused an accident. It wasn't very bad, but it put me back to where I was when I fell. So, I couldn't go back to work (not really that sad), but I'm back in pain again.

3) Grey Cloak is still ill. He hasn't worked for over a year. He's been sick since June. I'm not expecting him to go back to work. I don't even want him to go back to the field. It would be GREAT if he could get something at the Union Hall, teaching new apprentices all his tricks. THAT would be awesome! Dilibirith is not able to work. She's been unable to work for years. I don't expect her to go to work either. If she can, we're going to get her set up on eBay or CraigsList and sell some of her cards. She's VERY good and could probably make some good money.

Sulla...now that's another story. I'm so fed up with him...I could just SPIT! I'm not sure if I'm fed up with HIM or the situation. It's hard to tell. He's been out of work since last year, too. Part of it has been because he was fired and hasn't been able to get a new job. Part of it, he claims, is his medical issues. Ok, but I have medical issues. Here...let's look at them.

He has depression.
He has anxiety.
He has sleep apnea.
He's severely obese.
He has migraines.
He has regular headaches.

I have depression.
I don't have anxiety.
I have sleep apnea.
I'm severely obese.
I have migraines.
I have regular headaches.

But, I do I have arthritis in my back.
I also have Fibromyalgia.
I also have TMJ/TMD.
I also have a fallen arch in my right foot that makes it VERY difficult (not to mention, painful) to walk.

Now, he doesn't do anything around the house if he doesn't want to because he has "off days". But, I'm expected to work, cook, clean (ok, I don't do much cleaning), laundry, create the menus, go GET the food, bring it home, pack it, freeze it, put it away, organize the pantry, make the juice, take care of Dilibirith...getting the picture?

So, I do a LOT around here. And, he doesn't. Now, I completely understand not being ABLE to do much. But, it seems like he is ABLE to do what he WANTS to do. Case in point: yesterday, a friend called asking for Sulla to work on his truck so he can move to Oregon. Well, naturally, that's something that Sulla is interested in, so naturally, he said yes. In fact, when I asked Sulla last night, after being out all day long, if he would be willing and able to cook dinner, he let out a great big sigh, told me he was willing, but unable because "he had a headache and (the friend) was coming over to have him work on his truck".

WHAT?

He couldn't make dinner because he was going to help his friend after sleeping all day?

What the Pho?

Here, I have been busting my A$$ off, working at work and around the house. He gets to sleep all day, sluff off any responsibility, and do absolutely NOTHING because he's "sick" and "having a bad day" and "going through a slump" and "has a headache", but can work through a headache to take a look at a truck?

I DON'T THINK SO!

So, today...he gets up early (another peeve of mine...he sleeps all day, and stays up all night, works on his server, then is absolutely useless during the next day) to meet this friend. Starts working right away. Seems to be having a good time (naturally, because he's doing something he likes). He takes off with the only working vehicle without checking with me (or anyone, for that matter) about anyone elses plans for the day. I had to call him at 11:00 and remind him I had to leave in 20 minutes to be in Seattle by noon for a doctor's appointment. Luckily, he came home in time and I made it.

So, I leave, go to my doctor's appointment, and get a text message. "I threw my back out. When are you coming home?"

WHAT?

OMG...WHEN WILL THIS $HIT END?!?!

He wanted me to stop what I'm doing and come home. He wanted me to drop everything to rush home to take care of him. I was going to Seattle, then to Tacoma for some baby clothes/items (that's for another posting!). I told him I would come home after I was done. I didn't make it home until 6:30. Then...when I DID get home, I had to take the friend up to Everett. I left here at 11:30 and didn't come home for the night until 8:15. And, Grey Cloak, who is sick (with a cold), was made to cook dinner because Sulla was laying down. Now, I understand he threw his back out. I TOTALLY understand that one! But...it's just another thing...another excuse not to do anything.

IT'S MAKING ME SO ANGRY!

And, I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk to him, think about him...even look at him. It just makes me so angry! I wish I could sleep all day, watch TV, work on things I want to work on, not make dinner but still eat well.

SHEESH...

Ok, my pooch needs me, so I'm going to bed.

G'nite.

Knowing is Not Believing

In church today, I'm learning a great lesson. KNOWING IS NOT THE SAME AS
BELIEVING. What does that mean? The example was given about a baseball
player learning what to do in a defensive maneuver. Runners are on 1st
and 3rd. The shortstop has had instruction on what to do. He was
expected to do a specific move. The play was run and he didn't do that
move. Coach came to the player and said, "Now here's what you need to
do...". The player said, "I know, Coach."

He knew what to do, but didn't believe it would work. So, he did what
came naturally, not what he had been instructed to do. If he knew...and
believed...he would have done it.

Wow...

So, I know what is expected of me: do justice, love mercy and walk
humbly before my God.

But, do I believe that works?

Not always.

Am I im support of justice? Yes. But, do I DO justice? Do I obey the
speed limit all the time because it's the law? Do I tithe? Do I give? Do
I strive to live a righteous life? Not always. Why?

Belief.

Am I in support of mercy? Yes. But do I LOVE mercy? Do I forgive when it
isn't asked for? Do I give up the grudge? Not always. Why?

Belief.

Am in in support of humility? Yes. Do I WALK humbly before my God? Do I
present my heart with humility? Do I practice the walk of humility? Not
always. Why?

Belief.

It all comes down to trust. Who do I trust? Do I trust first my own
judgements? Do I trust what comes naturally? Do I trust my own
experiences? Do I trust my own senses?

Or do I trust God.

Period.

God has laid out EXACTLY what is expected. Why don't I do it?

Belief.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.