I've decided that I really don't like the Christmas season. Not that I don't like celebrating the fact that my Savior came to earth as a baby, lived among us, grew, ministered, and ultimately died for the sins I would commit 2000 years later. I'm ok with that part. It's all the tradition I can't stand. Maybe I need to up my meds this time of year, but, I really can't stand being alone (in the un-married, no children kind of way). It is this time of year I feel most distant from everyone in my life. I can't explain why it is...I'm just really having a hard time with it all. I don't even have a place to hang my stocking that feels right. It's a family stocking. Where do I hang it when I'm just a family of one? I can see how Grandma might feel being alone at the holidays. No one to play "Santa" with or for. You know, I've been on 4 dates since I was 15 years old. Four. Not four each year...four in the last 16 years. And the last jerk fell asleep during the movie we went to see. He was so bored around me that even the action flick we went to see couldn't keep him awake.
I don't want to be the old lady you hear about in the news that died completely alone with just her cats to usher her into the afterlife.
I'm tired of feeling not important. I'm tired of feeling...I'm just tired. Tired of life being so much work. I'd like just one or two things to happen easily.
I don't know how Job did it. He lost everything and never once blamed God. I don't blame God either. I just wonder what His big picture looks like.
Am I using my education to prove to everyone (any myself) I'm not the loser I feel like? Am I going after that so hard to fill the emptiness in my life? Am I fooling myself into thinking that's what God wants me to do? Get my education? I don't know. Is that a bad thing? I don't
know.
Did I miss something? Is there something I'm doing or not doing that is messing up my whole life?
I don't know...
1 comment:
He fell asleep because he's bored with himself. You are fascinating.
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