Day Sixty-Six...Another Year Older

So, today was my birthday. I feel no different than I did yesterday...or last week...or last month...or last year. I don't feel any wiser...I don't feel any more experienced in life. I do, however, feel more loved, more cherished, more appreciated, more in touch with my friends and family. I feel much more settled. I feel like I finally belong where I am. I'm teaching...I'm loving my family...I'm loving my friends (who, incidentally, have become my chosen family) and I couldn't be any more satisfied. I do wish I was married. I do wish I had children of my own, but I am content for right now, knowing that God will bring those things into my life at the perfect time.

So, God met at church today. If you read my previous post about 5th period, you know that I've been struggling with what to do with them...struggling to get them to behave...getting them to do, really, anything. Well, it seems that when I am at my wits end, God meets me there. When I end, He begins. When I am empty of ideas, that's where He is able to step in and take up where I cannot. My Pastor has consistently reminded me (and the rest of the congregation) that I am in full time ministry. I work at Renton High Community Church. That is where I pastor. That is where my ministry is located. My students are my congregation. My staff are my congregation. They are my sheep. I have been placed there to show God to them. Well, again, Pastor Dan reminded me that I am in full time ministry and that my school is my congregation. Suddenly, God told me that my job in 5th period is to not lose my temper...not let them push my buttons, but to turn each resistance into an opportunity. So, I asked, "an opportunity for what, Lord?" He told me, "an opportunity for love and acceptance. Let them know you love them. Make them understand you're not going anywhere. Be their stability. Be their constant. Be their safe place." WOW. My entire attitude and outlook on those students melted into one of compassion, love and grace. Instead of dreading 5th period, I am actually looking forward to going back and engaging them. It will be a challenge and I will fail, but that's what God's grace and mercy are for. By leaning onto and into Him, I will have the strength to be that pillar for my kids. Thank you, Lord, for speaking to me.

God also met me for some emotional and spiritual dryness I've been experiencing lately. I've felt a bit disconnected from people lately. And, I know it's me...nothing anyone's done to "drive me away", but I've felt a little disconnected. I've been feeling down, too, with Valentine's Day and all of the hullabaloo about being in love and having a companion to come home to. I spent Valentines Day with my brother, eating Chinese take-out and watching a movie. Now, I absolutely LOVE my brother and LOVE hanging out with him. But the fact that we were with each other instead of a sweetheart...that was kinda depressing for both of us. At least we had each other, but really...it kinda stank...for both of us. It would really be nice to have a sweetheart. We're lonely. We're getting older. And, on Sunday, I told God so. I was really upset about it all. It sucked having another birthday without someone special in my life. It sucked not having a sweetheart to buy you flowers or have a necklace to drape around your neck. It sucked to go through Valentine's Day as a single person...when nearly ALL my students had at least candy from their friends. ARGH! Well, like I said, I told God about it. And, being God, He was compassionate toward me. I know He loves me. And, He proved it to me. Pastor Dan invited everyone who had a need...spiritual, physical, emotional...to come up for ministry from the Body. I went forward and a woman named Gwen came and prayed for me. I only told her my name...nothing else. And...WOW...the prayer she prayed...straight from God. He, through Gwen, told me that the path He has me on is for a reason. He's got a plan for me that will bring His name so much more glory than could ever be imagined. He told me that the road I have been on has not been for me, but for others. My life would be a testimony to His faithfulness...His grace...His mercy...His provision...His protection...and His love. I've never had so much revealed to me. I've always thought that my life may be used to help others, but to have someone else prophesy that over me...WOW. Quite interesting. It gave me a LOT to think about and a lot of hope.

So, now, I can honestly say that I am content with where I am and who I have become. Yes, there are things I would like to change in my life. But, if I were to change those things, I would change God's purpose in my life and would miss the joy of ministering to others.