Day Twenty-Four...A Block to Work

Today I subbed at Olympic View Middle School...the middle school across my back yard fence. It was SO much fun! I got an assignment a few days ago for another school in the district, but the sub coordinator called this morning to cancel. I was disappointed, but she offered me another job subbing in 6th grade language arts at OV. I was SO excited! Ok, so here's the main reason. I just found out that my nephew is best friends with one of the boys from my church. I hadn't seen my nephew in 4 years until he came to church a couple Sundays ago. Which means I haven't seen my niece, sister, brother-in-law or other nephew in the same amount of time. So, my nephew is in 7th grade and my niece is in...yes...6th grade. I had the opportunity to possibly see my niece today. I was extatic! I could hardly stand it! So, I checked in at the front office and they told me I'd be subbing for 8th grade. My heart just about sank into my belly. I was so sad...disappointed. My niece is 12...I haven't seen her since she was 8. It's an interesting situation with my sister. She only comes around when she needs something. Once that need is fulfilled, she takes off. Her littlest boy is 5 1/2. He has brain cancer. The strange thing is that, based on her past behavior, she should be running to us for help. But, she's not. It feels really strange. I've reached out to her, but she hasn't responded. I've emailed her...nothing. I thought for a long time that I could just leave the relationship as is. But seeing Brian again made me realize exactly how much I miss them...I miss having them in my life. I miss being their Auntie Nenna. As I sit here, crying slightly, I realize I do have a hole in my heart for them. It just is strange because it's not like we've had a huge, irreconcilable fight. She just stopped coming around. It kinda hurts, but I know that's my own insecurities. Weird...

I've started reading a book by John and Stasi Eldredge called "Captivating". It talks about the position a woman has in God's plan...that Eve was the Crown of Creation, not an afterthought. So far I'm on chapter 6 and it's been pretty amazing. The word-pictures the authors use to describe feelings that nearly all women have are amazing...they fit me so well. I can't pinpoint exactly where these feelings/perceptions come from, but I do know that I haven't felt worth much to anyone since I was very young. I remember not having many friends as a child...1...maybe 2 at one time...no, really, just one at a time. First, it was Sarah...then it was JJ, then Moob, then Lindsey, then Jaime, then Heather. It's been Heather since middle school until 2005. Now it's Moob again. But, except for Moob, all the other friendships have died because they just stopped. With Moob, we moved, they moved, we found each other, she moved again, we found each other, I moved out of state and we finally found each other again! Anyway, I've really never had a good, healthy relationship. I've always felt very alone. I know that's why I allowed certain situations to happen. But, it seems like all of my friendships just...stop. Even ones from college. I lived on campus for a year...one of the most AMAZING years of my life...but I'm only in contact with 1 of the girls from my floor...and there were 24 of us...and she lives in Arizona. But anyway, back to the book...this book is showing me so many things about myself as a woman...a woman created to bear the image of God...the femininity that God has, the relationship-based love He has for us...that's me. I'm important. I'm needed and the negative feelings I have are a direct attack from the enemy. The enemy specifically hates women. Here's why: women want relationships to work out...and they are the givers of life. We produce the babies that will carry mankind forward. Not to say men don't play an important role, but we incubate the babies, bear them, nurture them, teach them, love them and expect them to grow and be successful. That's our job as women. That's our role in the grand scheme of God's plan. Therefore, the enemy will make a direct, specific, hateful attack on our emotions in order to make us not trust God. He did so to Eve. "Surely you will not die" were the words he said to Eve, making her disbelieve God's word, causing her to think God was holding out on her. She felt that in order to make the relationship right, she had to take matters into her own hand. She had to take control. She ate the apple. Since then, there has been conflict between women and the enemy. He will do anything and everything to make our lives miserable. But, God says we are beautiful. We have a beauty to reveal to others...to the world. We just need to take a hold to that promise and believe it of ourselves, not in a proud, haughty way, but resting in the fact that God...the maker of the universe...thinks we are something to be beheld...something to be looked upon with awe...something more beautiful than the mountains, flowers, oceans and plains He created...THAT'S TRULY AMAZING!